One of the most powerful tools AA suggests for emotional sobriety is the power of pause or restraint when we find ourselves disturbed. This pause or restraint can give us an opportunity to find a conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves.
This article attempts to share some common ways to deepen the freedom we experience as we practice this pause as well as some approaches to this conscious contact that you may find helpful.
I think of pause as a chance for me to see reality with more clarity. In that pause I have a chance to move away from my ‘little god’ attempt to vainly elevate myself as judge and move toward a non-judgmental curiosity that is humbly asking what am I missing and what I am supposed to be learning here … seeking to understand how I am distorting what’s real with the blind spots of my fears, demands, expectations and unenforceable rules. Below is a collection of resources (with links) that might be helpful in further exploring this important new response ability the program is suggesting to us. Here’s an overview of the process where I hope we find acceptance, courage and wisdom …
1. Let’s Step Back , Be Still And Get In Touch With Our Emotional Imbalance
2. How Can We See More Clearly What Is Happening, Avoid The Distortions of All Or Nothing Thinking And Accept Our Contradictions
3. How To Reframe Our Imbalance As Areas For Growth & Maturity – Is There A New Freedom Available Here? Can We See And Relate Differently To Our Pain, Uncertainty & The Persistent Need For Hard Work
4. Could Humility Connect Us To A Peacemaker Within Us – A Neutral, Curious, Compassionate Unsuspected Inner Resource Where Combat Ends and Healing Begins
5. How Can We Discover, Develop and Express Our Second Voice
6. How Can We Accept Ourselves & Life As It By Learning To Rely On This Peacemaker… The Best of Us …Our Unsuspected Inner Resource, Our Wise Self – Bruce M.
1. Let’s Step Back, Be Still And Get In Touch With Our Emotional Imbalance
For many of us, it feels almost involuntary that when we are disturbed we ‘blame and complain’. And often this blaming and complaining leads to a sense of righteous indignation about what is wrong ‘outside’ us that is disturbing us. If only XXX would be different, I wouldn’t be disturbed. And since I may not have any real control on what is occurring outside myself, we blame and complain. This blaming and complaining can lead us to an experience of being a victim of these disturbing things that are happening to us. How many of us have expressed this ‘victim’ frustration with statements like this :
“XXXX is making me crazy”
“YYYY is making me angry or upsetting me”
Statements like these are telling ourselves that our disturbance lives outside us and would disappear if this outside circumstance went away. We embrace a mindset that really believes we are disturbed because of this person, place, or thing that often we have no real control over.
We can find ourselves in these situations many, many times each day. And each time we experience these disturbances we can reinforce this narrative of how my life is ‘making me’ disturbed and thus ‘causing’ my anger and frustration … as if I have no other real choice but to be disturbed. And this mindset leads us to what I described earlier as this perhaps unconscious blaming and complaining about what is happening to us.
When we find ourselves in this place of emotional imbalance can we relate to this image of isolation from Chuck C’s New Pair Of Glasses book?
I’d like to challenge us with three questions:
1. Do we have a choice in whether we blame and complain about what we can’t control in our lives? Is blaming and complaining an appropriate response to what we can’t change in our lives?
2. When we blame and complain, are we reinforcing a victim mindset that robs us of our freedom and denies the ‘response ability’ that perhaps, with faith, can see open doors rather than only closed doors?
3. What ‘response ability’ is the program suggesting when we feel disturbed? Are these suggestions vague or very specific? Can we begin with this possibility that the ‘best of us’ can lead the ‘rest of us’ to a new freedom?
2. How Can We See More Clearly What Is Happening, Avoid The Distortions of All Or Nothing Thinking And Accept Our Contradictions
Into Action: On the list below, check all of your defects AND all of your assets. This is an inventory of both bad and good characteristics.
To me, this is one of the most important values of this exercise. We are not all or nothing. We are very often both. To see ourselves as only one or the other is to distort the truth.
Accepting our contradictions is to accept our humanity and to see ourselves with more clarity and rigorous honesty.
Most of us express this reality of our contradictions with expressions like “a part of me wants and believes X” but another part of me “wants and believes something completely different not X but Y”. This is not an indication of a pathology but rather a more accurate way of understanding and accepting ourselves and the multiplicity within us.
At the heart of our addictions, we often find an internal Jekyll /Hyde conflict that is fueling our addiction and perhaps negatively contributing to the quality of our sobriety and our potential for relapse. Coming to terms with this internal conflict is a very important aspect of what I hope you begin to experience in this exercise. You can learn more about this if you go the the section of the gugogs.org website and take the menu option ‘Healing Our Jeyhl/Hyde Divided Selves’.
One of the most realistic observations you can reach as you go through this first exercise is to see and accept how full of contradictions you may be. You may see a part of you that you would characterize as ‘procrastinator’ and another part of you that seems to really be ‘disciplined and acts promptly’. You may find that these contradictions relate to your emotional state … when I’m afraid I procrastinate but when I’m confident I’m disciplined and act promptly … or perhaps you see these contradictions triggered by certain people or circumstances. These would all be very valuable insights you might gain from this exercise. This should also give you hope that within the truth of your own life experience you see evidence of your character ideals while at the same time you often are reminded of how far you are from these ideals showing up consistently and predictably in your daily actions and attitudes.
Simply practice rigorous honesty with this exercise and then spend time with your sponsor. You may wish to use the Set Aside Prayer as you both enter and exit this process.
3. How To Reframe Our Imbalance As Areas For Growth & Maturity – Is There A New Freedom Available Here? Can We See And Relate Differently To Our Pain, Uncertainty & The Persistent Need For Hard Work
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
“It’s doesn’t really matter what we’re expecting of life; what really mattered was what life was expecting of us”
“Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose”
and finally:
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
– Victor Frankl (Man In Search of Meaning)
Big Book (page 552) – “True freedom is when I want to do what I ought to do”
Consider this cartoon about the PUH’s of Pain, Uncertainty & Hard Work
And these ideas from Brian Johnson the author of the book ‘Activate Your Heroic Potential’ ‘may be helpful.
You wanna live a truly heroic, meaningful life?
It’s supposed to be challenging.
That’s Rule #1: It’s not supposed to be easy.
And the story you may be telling yourself about the fact that it should be easy and that you must be doing something wrong if it’s not easy is arguably the #1 obstacle to you enjoying the process of living a great and noble life.
A great, noble life is supposed to be challenging.
Well, we have a society in which we are being seduced to believe that it’s supposed to be easy. It’s not.
Let’s REALLY get rule number one and know that IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EASY.
A hero out on their heroic quest is battling dragons, not sidestepping lizards.
Think about your favorite hero’s journey story.
What’s your favorite all time heroic myth?
Is it Harry Potter? Is it The Matrix? Is it Lord of The Rings? Is it Shawshank Redemption?
So let’s quit telling ourselves the story that it should be easy or that we should already be at a place in our evolution where things aren’t hard.
That’s the wrong story to tell ourselves.
And if you aren’t willing to embrace those challenges and create a life in which you are challenged, you’re gonna wanna walk out of your life, just like you’d wanna walk of that movie.
So again, Rule #1: it’s not supposed to be easy.
Part two… I hate to be the one to break the news to you if this is news to you… but it’s never going to be easy.
As Phil Stutz says, again, my beloved coach, you’re never going to be exonerated.
You’re never gonna be exonerated from three things.
I remember writing this down after five years of working together. He’s told me this again, and again, and again.
There’s no there there. You’re never gonna get to a place where you’re done doing the work.
But I remember writing down, and I literally laughed out loud, when he said “look, you and everyone else, no one’s going be exonerated from three things. (1) Pain, (2) Uncertainty, and (3) Hard work.”
If you want to actualize your potential, if you want to tap into that infinite potential that exists where? Outside of your comfort zone. Then again, that discomfort, that pain, that uncertainty, that self-doubt is an inherent part of your evolution.
Nothing is wrong with you when you haven’t reached some place where you’re constantly blissed out.
And again, this is the seduction of our current society.
We’re looking at “how do we create a good mood all the time?” vs. what the Stoics described as a good life.
Well, if you’re looking for a good mood all day every day, you’re gonna be in trouble.
Stress goes with meaning, scientists say.
It’s a sign you’re doing it right (not a sign you’re doing it wrong!) when you feel that discomfort, that overwhelm, etc.
Rule #1: two parts.
1. It’s not supposed to be easy.
2. You’re never gonna be exonerated.
4. Could Humility Connect Us To A Peacemaker Within Us – A Neutral, Curious, Compassionate Unsuspected Inner Resource Where Combat Ends and Healing Begins
Big Book Spiritual Experience (Appendix 2 p. 567)
Most of our experiences are what the psychologist William James calls the “educational variety” because they develop slowly over a period of time. Quite often friends of the newcomer are aware of the difference long before he is himself. He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self discipline. With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves.
Grapevine Article By Dan H
It is easy enough to give alcoholism a personality: it’s cunning, baffling and powerful. It is patient, doesn’t discriminate, and it wants to kill me. It’s tied up in a tangle of knots with my selfishness, pride and fear. So it seems reasonable to personify the other side, the “place” within from which emanates love, honesty, compassion, sanity and a willingness to help others. And it seems reasonable to appeal to this place—to state a willingness to live my life under its guidance. I call this appeal “prayer.”
Big Book Place Of Neutrality (pages 84/85)
Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them…Love and tolerance of others is our code.
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone – even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality – safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do …What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee – Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.
It Begins With Pause & Restraint
Step 10 Spiritual Axiom (Twelve & Twelve p.90)
*It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.
- Dr. Berger would suggest we change the phrase ‘wrong with us’ to ‘off with us’ in the video associated with his Emotional Sobriety Worksheet.
Spot Inventory Mini-Steps (Twelve & Twelve p.91)
A spot-check inventory taken in the midst of such disturbances can be of very great help in quieting stormy emotions. Today’s spot check finds its chief application to situations which arise in each day’s march. The consideration of long-standing difficulties had better be postponed, when possible, to times deliberately set aside for that purpose. The quick inventory is aimed at our daily ups and downs, especially those where people or new events throw us off balance and tempt us to make mistakes.
In all these situations we need
*1. self-restraint,
*2. honest analysis of what is involved,
*3. a willingness to admit when the fault is ours,
*4. and an equal willingness to forgive when the fault is elsewhere.
We need not be discouraged when we fall into the error of our old ways, for these disciplines are not easy. We shall look for progress, not for perfection.”
* Numbers are my add – Bruce M.
Our First Objective Restraint/Pause (Twelve & Twelve p. 91,92)
Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year. Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.
Disagreeable or unexpected problems are not the only ones that call for self-control. We must be quite as careful when we begin to achieve some measure of importance and material success. For no people have ever loved personal triumphs more than we have loved them; we drank of success as of a wine which could never fail to make us feel elated. When temporary good fortune came our way, we indulged ourselves in fantasies of still greater victories over people and circumstances. Thus blinded by prideful self-confidence, we were apt to play the big shot. Of course, people turned away from us, bored or hurt.
Now that we’re in A.A. and sober, and winning back the esteem of our friends and business associates, we find that we still need to exercise special vigilance. As an insurance against “big-shot-ism” we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more His success than ours. Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up.
Such a radical change in our outlook will take time, maybe a lot of time. Not many people can truthfully assert that they love everybody. Most of us must admit that we have loved but a few; that we have been quite indifferent to the many so long as none of them gave us trouble; and as for the remainder—well, we have really disliked or hated them. Although these attitudes are common enough, we A.A.’ s find we need something much better in order to keep our balance. We can’t stand it if we hate deeply. The idea that we can be possessively loving of a few, can ignore the many, and can continue to fear or hate anybody, has to be abandoned, if only a little at a time.
We can try to stop making unreasonable demands upon those we love. We can show kindness where we had shown none. With those we dislike we can begin to practice justice and courtesy, perhaps going out of our way to understand and help them.
5. How Can We Discover, Develop and Express Our Our Second Voice
Emotional sobriety is a practice, a way of approaching ourselves, the people in our lives, and the situations we encounter.
Emotional dependency creates a reflected sense of self, meaning we believe the other person’s behavior and attitude toward us is an accurate reflection of who we are rather than an expression of who they are. We see in their actions and statements a reflection of our worth or value. We view their behavior as a mirror in which we see a reflection of our worth or value—their approval or disapproval of us. We lose sight of who we are because of what they say or how they act.
These emotional reactions are another tip-off that we have identified with our false self. We constructed our false self specifically to please other people—to soothe our anxiety that if people knew our innermost being, they would find us unlovable, unacceptable, or unworthy of belonging. This false self is fragile. It requires constant reinforcement and approval. Thus we look to others for validation.
If your response is disproportionate to the actual situation, you are taking it personally. If your response is to try to manipulate the other individual, you are taking it personally. You are being emotional dependent.
The suggestion I have for you is to listen to your second voice. What do I mean by that? Your first voice is the part of you that speaks first—the part that speaks from fear, anxiety, and emotional dependence. It represents the part of you that takes things personally, the part that is stuck in its personal importance. This is the part of you that says, “What they are saying (or doing) is about me.” This first voice is a reactive voice, and it speaks from the part of you that takes what others say as a personal slight, something cruel, condescending, hurtful, mean-spirited, or humiliating.
Your second voice comes from a different place, a place that is typically more mature than the first. The second voice comes from your wise self. It will remind you that what other people said or what they did wasn’t personal. It will help you see that their statement or action was about what they thought and believed, not who you are or what you deserve. It will remind you to stop taking things personally.
Remember, they do what they do because of who they are, not because of who you are.
Empathizing with the other person this way will help you stop taking things personally. It will also help you have a healthier relationship. It will help you hold on to yourself and raise your differentiation. Not taking anything personally will help you achieve emotional sobriety.
6. How Can We Accept Ourselves & Life As It By Learning To Rely On This Peacemaker… The Best of Us …Our Unsuspected Inner Resource, Our Wise Self – – Bonnie Weiss
Have you ever found yourself saying “a part of me wants XXX and another part of me wants YYY’. The section of the website entitled ‘Healing Our Jekyll/Hyde Divided Self’ gets into lots of details about this topic. You may also find this article an excellent overview of Internal Family Systems (IFS). How this fits into accessing and conscious contact with this Unsuspected Inner Resource of your Wise Self is further explored in this linked article. – Bruce M.
There are two doorways into our awareness of parts. As we learn about IFS, and we become conscious of the fact that most of the time we’re operating from parts that have their own agenda and are trying to do something for the system as a whole. We can awaken in a moment that “It’s a part that’s operating and not my true self.” It’s a wonderful experience to say, “Wait a minute, that’s not who I am. It’s just a part of me operating and that’s trying to take care of me.” This awareness often comes with a deep breath, maybe a smile, and a shift back and down into Inmost Self. There is a sense of, “I don’t have to do this. There’s another way to be in this moment.” We move from the awareness of the part into a deeper and more present way of being.
The second doorway opens as our consciousness becomes more comfortable with the experience of being lead by our Inmost Self(i.e. Unsuspected Inner Resource). We find we can hang out there more regularly. We move a little slower, take time to feel the sunshine on our face, notice all the tender uprisings of Spring, allow pleasure to linger. From this place, we can feel when a part gets activated. We track the slight contractions in our body when we’re aroused into feeling anger or frustration, reactivity, or sadness. It’s an exciting experience to actually catch a part emerging and be able to be with it before it completely takes over and blends with us. Its like riding a wave.
Our goal in IFS is not to get rid of the parts, but to have this second experience; to live our lives more openly and with presence, to move in a more embodied way. This way is gentler, softer. From here, our relationship with our parts is ongoing. We shepherd them. We walk with them. We soothe them and befriend them. They become our allies and the capacities that they bring to each encounter are capacities that are available to the whole system. Some of our parts carry strength, courage, or passion. When we align with, our parts those capacities are available to the whole system.
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