No One Is Coming – 12 Essential Insights For Emotional Sobriety By Allen Berger

What if what we were seeking was already within us but was masked , hidden and unknown?

This article is extracted from Chapter 7 of Dr. Allen Berger’s outstanding book 12 Essential Insights For Emotional Sobriety.

You can think of this article as helping us discover and welcome with curiosity the ‘unsuspected inner resource’(BB p.567) described in Appendix 2 (Spiritual Experience) of the Big Book this way:

“He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self discipline. With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience.”

As you may know, Dr. Berger has over 50 years of sobriety and is a Gestalt therapist specializing in addiction and recovery. You can find other articles from Dr. Berger in the Emotional Sobriety section of the gugogs.org website.  Dr. Berger uses the idea of pausing and finding your second voice to help us discover this unsuspected inner resource.

Additionally in the Healing Our Jekyll/Hyde Divided Self section of our website; we find modern therapy in the form of Internal Family Systems identifying experientially this ‘unsuspected inner resource” as having 8 C qualities of Compassion, Caring , Connection, Courage, Clarity , Curiosity, Calmness , and Creativity along with 5 P attributes of Patience, Perseverance, Presence, Perspective, and Playfulness. This evidence based therapy is confirming that these spiritual qualities live within us in a way that appears completely resilient to all forms of trauma and abuse.

You may also find Bill W’s correspondence with Carl Jung and Dr’ Jung’s book ‘Modern Man In Search Of Soul’ a very useful complimentary set of articles about this quest for wholeness – Bruce M.

Toxic Ideas and Nourishing Ideas

The idea that someone is coming to solve our problems is a variation on the emotional dependency theme. We mistakenly believe that the right environmental support will solve our problems. Well, it won’t. This idea diminishes our role in our well-being. It says that we can be fixed only when someone else gives us the answer.

This idea is toxic because it contradicts our true nature. We, each of us, have the answer to our dilemmas deep inside, waiting to be discovered. Because we have somehow and somewhere lost faith in our ability to grow and heal, we don’t even realize we possess this wisdom. It’s like we have forgotten that we learned to walk.

No one taught us to walk. We had the innate desire and motivation to learn to walk. We wanted to actualize our potential to walk. So, we figured it out. We put one foot in front of the other. But it took time. We didn’t just jump up on our two feet and walk. We started where we were at, on our back or on our stomach, and grew from there. We never had the thought that we should be starting from somewhere else. Nor did we have an expectation of how long it should take. We just accepted that we were where we were. We experimented and learned from our experience. How many times did we fall and pick ourselves up and try again? As many times as we needed to learn. We didn’t have an expectation about how many mistakes we could make before figuring things out.

Please don’t confuse what I am saying as meaning that we don’t need environmental support or that we can be self-sufficient. Because that is nonsense—another toxic idea.

We all need environmental support and will continue to need it for our entire lives. I need the oxygen around me to support my life, but it is my responsibility to inhale and exhale. I need the support of my friends and family as I move through life, but it is my responsibility to do the work that helps me progress in my recovery. Those people outside don’t cure me. They support me. In other words: No one is coming. We need to show up for ourselves.

In recovery, our sponsors can give us guidance and make suggestions. But we have to try those suggestions on and see if they fit for us, if they are in fact helpful. We need to play an active role in our recovery, especially if we want to achieve emotional sobriety.

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I have said that our drive to be whole is innate. Instinctual. But if that is the case, why didn’t Philip arrive at his place of healing after twenty-five years of searching? What holds each of us back as we seek to become whole? What makes us lose sight of our true nature?

I believe that a toxic idea holds us back. A toxic idea is an idea that diminishes who we are. It obstructs our development and interferes with self-actualization. It reinforces stereotypes and reinforces the idea that we need to be someone we are not to be okay. It reinforces the idea that I am OK only if conditions, people or life itself lives up to my expectations.

In his constant seeking, Philip sought someone or something that would give him the solution to his pain. He had bought into a toxic idea. In Philip’s case, his perpetual seeking is quite understandable. He was set up for it! Remember, we expect our future to reverse the traumas of our past. Philip had an expectation that his future would somehow undo the damage done to him by his parents and his predatory neighbor.

Deep in his heart, Philip believed that something or someone would magically make right the betrayals of his childhood. He had been abandoned, so he thought his future would reverse that by providing him with the person or program who would step in and cure him, show interest in him, act in his best interests, and care for him. He then tried out an astonishing variety of systems, believing each might hold the magic key that would open the doors to peace.

This was Philip’s toxic idea: that there was something out there that would rescue him from his pain. Philip hitched his life to the idea that someone was coming to the rescue. This idea is toxic because it diminished the role Philip needed to play in his own healing. Only Philip could unearth the events buried inside him that caused his pain and suffering. He alone needed to find the words that would surface his pain, allow him to share it with another person, and begin to heal his wounds. No one else could give these words to him. He needed to rescue himself.

Of course, Philip, like most of us, needed support to help him find the words. We all need others to hear and understand our pain, to let us know we’re lovable and safe despite the wounds we’ve hidden from public view. I felt fortunate to be in the room with Philip as he found the words and began to regain control of his life. But ultimately, it was his job to do the work.

Nourishing ideas support our true nature. They enhance our growth and encourage us to honor our integrity. They foster self-esteem and self-confidence. Believe it or not, the statement “No one is coming” is a nourishing idea. It may feel like abandonment, but it is not; it is a statement of your innate access to wholeness. We need to cultivate this idea to support our recovery and help us achieve emotional sobriety.