Getting To Know Our Differentiated Self – 12 Essential Insights For Emotional Sobriety By Dr. Allen Berger

I think there is a strong connection between this article and what I like to call the ‘mini-steps’ suggested as responses to a spot inventory of what disturbs us. These mini-steps are suggested in the Twelve £ Twelve in Step 10. Specifically, I see this article as very prescriptive when I find myself taking things personally and feeling the impulse to defend myself or attack the person making the assertion I find disturbing.

Here are the Spot Inventory Mini Steps (page 91 of Twelve & Twelve) – 1. We need self-restraint, 2. Honest analysis of what is involved (which may involve our sponsor or trusted advisor), 3. A willingness to admit when the fault is ours , 4. An equal willingness to forgive when the fault is elsewhere

Dr. Berger’s suggestions about speaking from a ‘second voice’ not the ‘first voice’ reinforces the importance of restraint or pause in my response. Much of the article is suggesting a way to a more ‘honest analysis’ of what is really happening (i.e. mini-step #2). I also believe this ‘second voice’ points us to the ‘unsuspected inner resource’ within us … the true self … that can help us separate what is really true from what is false. This possibility that you hear often in AA rooms “what you think about me is none of my business”. – Bruce M.

Emotional sobriety is a practice, a way of approaching ourselves, the people in our lives, and the situations we encounter.

Emotional dependency creates a reflected sense of self, meaning we believe the other person’s behavior and attitude toward us is an accurate reflection of who we are rather than an expression of who they are. We see in their actions and statements a reflection of our worth or value. We view their behavior as a mirror in which we see a reflection of our worth or value—their approval or disapproval of us. We lose sight of who we are because of what they say or how they act.

These emotional reactions are another tip-off that we have identified with our false self. We constructed our false self specifically to please other people—to soothe our anxiety that if people knew our innermost being, they would find us unlovable, unacceptable, or unworthy of belonging. This false self is fragile. It requires constant reinforcement and approval. Thus we look to others for validation.

If your response is disproportionate to the actual situation, you are taking it personally. If your response is to try to manipulate the other individual, you are taking it personally. You are being emotional dependent.

Ruiz goes on to say that what causes us to be trapped in the dream of hell is ”personal importance”. He writes ”Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about ‘me’.

Ruiz believes that we learn to take everything personally because of how we were raised. ”We think we are responsible for everything. Me, me, always me”, he writes, ”Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”

Differentiation

The higher our level of differentiation, the more autonomy we experience in our relationships. You are attracted and interested in one another but not dependent on each other’s acceptance and approval. They seek to cooperate with one another rather than manipulate each other. As a result, the relationship does not cause an excessive amount of anxiety. This means we honor our integrity, because when our differentiation is high, it is not negotiable. We hold on to ourselves (keep our integrity) and don’t get lost in the relationship.

The suggestion I have for you is to listen to your second voice. What do I mean by that? Your first voice is the part of you that speaks first—the part that speaks from fear, anxiety, and emotional dependence. It represents the part of you that takes things personally, the part that is stuck in its personal importance. This is the part of you that says, “What they are saying (or doing) is about me.” This first voice is a reactive voice, and it speaks from the part of you that takes what others say as a personal slight, something cruel, condescending, hurtful, mean-spirited, or humiliating.

Your second voice comes from a different place, a place that is typically more mature than the first. The second voice comes from your wise self. It will remind you that what other people said or what they did wasn’t personal. It will help you see that their statement or action was about what they thought and believed, not who you are or what you deserve. It will remind you to stop taking things personally.

Remember, they do what they do because of who they are, not because of who you are.

Empathizing with the other person this way will help you stop taking things personally. It will also help you have a healthier relationship. It will help you hold on to yourself and raise your differentiation. Not taking anything personally will help you achieve emotional sobriety.