In our February 2026 Emotional Sobriety Series, we’ve discussed how the power of pause can help us discover how ‘the best in me can lead the rest in me’. We discussed how this ‘best in me’ discloses itself when I find a ‘position of neutrality’ which has no agenda to produce some desired outcome. We can then ‘seek to understand’ with compassion and curiosity when in this ‘position of neutrality’. The Big Book on pages 84/85 describes this fitness of spiritual condition this way:
“Love and tolerance of others is our code. And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone – even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality – safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.”
I believe we discover the ‘unsuspected inner resource’ described as the essence of a spiritual experience (Appendix 2 Big Book p.567) in this ‘position of neutrality’ within us. Some among us might describe this as their God image or the Holy Spirit. While other modern therapies who have room for a spiritual dimension like Internal Family Systems(IFS) represent this indestructible resilient core/essence of who we are with their 8 c’s and 5p’s depicted here:
We also know that if we have ‘room for you and room for me’ we have a basis for a true partnership (12&12 p.53).
When the ‘best in me’ is leading ; I believe we can practice what this article below is suggesting … to convey our perspective or point of view without any agenda to convince anyone of anything. We are free to describe our experience without any demands or unrealistic expectations or unwritten rules. I see this skill of conveying not convincing as essential to allowing a healthy relationship to flourish by making enough ‘room for me’. If I combine this with the curiosity and compassion to ‘seek to understand’ you without any agenda ; we have an incredible basis for a true partnership that has empathy for the other and integrity with myself. I think you’ll find this article and the podcast linked below very helpful in growing ourselves in healthy relationships from this bedrock of what is best in us. – Bruce M.
Don’t have conversations to convince, but have them to convey. Convey information , exchange information.
And we don’t do that very much.
If I’m dependent on you, I’ve got to convince you that you’re wrong and I’m right, so I’m okay.
I need your support that I’m right instead of just the fact that this is my experience … convincing not conveying.
This also would be more honest. If I was in a situation and I’m feeling threatened at that point by what the other person’s position is and I say, you know, I’m wondering if you are able to support my reality here for a minute or just to try to look at it from my side.
We’re also saying, I’m not asking you to deny yours.
No, I’m just saying, can you have empathy for mine?
That’s adding more authenticity more self. It’s asking for what we want.
Yeah. And that’s a very difficult, a very difficult thing for a lot of us to be able to do.
It’s not a demand.
That’s the difference.
Conveying is a great way to contextualize it or to frame it. The difference between a request and a demand is what happens if someone says, no, I’m not able to give you that right now.
You want that support and I’m just not able to, I’m too upset. And if it’s a demand, then I get angry about it. If it’s a request, I may get sad.
That’s the difference.
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