In a way learning self-forgiveness is the classic human search for identity. As long as we remain in hiding from the so-called negative aspects of ourselves, we remain incapable of embracing all of who we are. When we consider only certain of our human characteristics acceptable, we have no choice but to remain fragmented, experiencing ourselves as less than whole. And since rejecting certain aspects of ourselves does not exorcise them from our personalities, we find ourselves in a stagnant pool of guilt (for having such unsavory traits) that, left alone, will become at least the toxins of self-distrust and dislike, and possibly the poisons of self-disgust and hatred.
…There are many negative, not to mention untrue, things we are taught to believe as we grow up. And destructive, false beliefs will need to be confronted and transformed. But none of these may prove as harmful as one big missing piece of developmental information: in our society, historically, we have not been taught the importance of maintaining a positive, loving and respectful relationship with ourselves. In fact many of us have been actively discouraged from such a self-compassionate state, learning instead that to care for ourselves is selfish.
If we were not taught this essential component of good mental health — that self love is good and necessary — it is for one reason: those who taught us could not teach what they did not know. There is no master plan for one generation to destroy the next; it is a matter of legitimate ignorance and/or inadequate application of knowledge.
If you take the risk of believing this to be true and decide that you can learn to forgive yourself, there will be many obstacles along the way, but none as daunting as those that you will discover within your own consciousness. Some beliefs you will gladly release, and others will be strangely difficult to let go of.
Note – I believe you can begin to practice steps 1,2 and 3 if u feel a sense of powerlessness over your self hate and condemnation. It is another pathway to deepen the gift of desperation I experience … to awaken a rigorous honesty over my powerlessness … and thus to release and surrender my illusion of control. I love and deeply relate to Bill W’s description of a Power greater than himself as a ‘newfound Friend’ (BB p. 13).
Thom Rutledge partners with Allen Berger on their Emotional Sobriety podcasts. Thom has long term sobriety and is also a psychotherapist and author. This article is extracted from his book entitled ‘The Self Forgiveness Handbook’. You can learn more about Thom from his website. I’ve also added this article to the Emotional Sobriety and Toxic Shame sections of our website. – Bruce M.