The Essential To Recovery Of Self Acceptance By James Hollis

There is something in us, all of us, that knows what is right for us, which path is ours and not someone else’s, something that pushes us beyond our comfort zone into areas of growth, development, and presence in this world greater than we have lived up to this point. ….While all the twelve-step programs promote a self-inventory, a laundry list of harm brought to self and others, they follow with the recommendation that one should seek confession and make amends with those harmed, when doing so would not bring further harm. That all makes sense. But one has to add one’s own name to that list of those harmed, to the list of those needing amends and reparation. Just as any of us may have regrets for things done and for things not done, so do we also have to see in what way the legacy of those choices continues to affect others, or perhaps continues to metastasize within us.

The more thoughtful we are, the longer the list of things that ask forgiveness. Given that it is so hard to forgive ourselves when we are sensitive to those around us, I have always drawn some leavening from the concept of grace. Theologian Paul Tillich expressed it best when he defined grace as accepting the fact that we are accepted, despite the fact that we are unacceptable.

Yes, given the accountability of a thoughtful, conscientious adult, our list of shortcomings is long indeed. And yet, given that we too are only human, sensitive, vulnerable, bound to our wounding history, then why can we not also lend a measure of grace to ourselves as we might readily to others? Since when are we exempt from the human condition? Why are we an exception to Philo’s recommendation of kindness, given that we too are persons in a rather big crowd with really big problems? Why are we judged more than the other? Is not our radical condemnation of ourselves a narcissistic variant of our “specialness”? Is it not a form of peculiar narcissism to fault ourselves even more than others? Is it not a perverse satisfaction to deny to ourselves the grace we can bestow on others? Is it not a failure of love to be unable to love even the unlovable parts of ourselves?

The capacity to love our unlovable parts is not an endorsement but a recognition that they are also part of who we are. These troubling zones of the soul are what give form and depth to the human gestalt, without which we would be but creatures of our environment, automatons of “goodness,” conditioned by overwhelming forces of sanction, social pressure, and accommodation. These parts are what give us character rather than the thin-souled one-dimensional creatures we were sometimes raised to be.

These unlovable parts are what make us most human and therefore most worthy of grace and of love. Only grace, which accepts, and love, which heals, can ever lead us to a larger spiritual life, lest we remain mired in recrimination and derogation of the richness of the soul.

Furthermore, paradoxically, only in the act of loving these unlovable parts of ourselves, which our ego consciousness sees as other, can we ever love others. This acceptance of others starts at home, by accepting the other that resides within us as well.

I am still working on this myself, but I am working on it.

– Living an Examined Life: Wisdom for the Second Half of the Journey

This James Hollis quote above is part of a larger article entitled simply ‘Self Acceptance’ that I hope u will check out. I believe this article on self acceptance is crucial for those of us with a history of relapse.

These articles have a special relevance to the section of the GUGOGS website entitled ‘Healing Our Jekyll/Hyde Divided Selves’ as well as ‘Emotional Sobriety’.