In the 4th step of the Twelve & Twelve on page 53, we are presented with this assertion:
“The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much.”
Perhaps a foundation for any successful partnership is how to communicate and more specifically how to have a conversation. I find this article very helpful in setting a realistic goal of trying to convey not convince if I’m really interested in moving toward a true partnership.
Thom R partners with Allen Berger on their Emotional Sobriety podcasts. Thom has long term sobriety and is also a psychotherapist and author. You can learn more about Thom from his website. I’ve also added this article to the Emotional Sobriety section of our website. This article is an extract from a longer article that Thom has written entitled ‘Basic Reminders For Effective Conversation’. – Bruce M.
A conversation is not the same as a debate. A conversation is not so much about convincing someone of something as it is about conveying your perspective — the way you are perceiving something and the ways you are feeling about something.
Even if you are needing to solve a problem in your conversation, it is not necessary that the two of you agree on everything related to the subject matter. In fact there is much room for disagreements when you can avoid defining every disagreement as a conflict. All conflicts involve disagreements but all disagreements do not need to be conflicts. Short version of this one: agreeing about everything is highly over-rated.
Similarly, respect does not have to be based on agreement or shared perception. We have the ability to have effective conversation with people with whom we disagree as long as we can learn to practice respectful communication. All this requires is that you acknowledge and accept that the other person in the conversation is not you, is a separate human being who has a right to their own feelings and thoughts.
And keep in mind: the purpose of a good conversation is not to make the other person more like you. (That may seem silly or obvious — but put it in your back pocket. It is an often-needed reminder.)
If there are problems to be solved in a conversation in which there are disagreements, it will mean that both people will need to accept some compromise. Otherwise, the conversation just becomes a futile exercise of stonewalling – or worse, of bullying. (btw Bullies don’t have conversations, they push people around, threaten, intimidate, try to control. Everyone of us is capable of doing that. It can be quite subtle and still be bullying. Best advice here is: don’t be a bully AND don’t be arrogant enough to think that you cannot be a bully.)
The above public service announcement on bullying is brought to you by something we should all consider essential to being capable of good conversation. And that is genuine humility.
Humility in effective conversation is not just something expressed with words. We can all sound humble; it’s not that hard. Genuine humility means that, even when I am absolutely sure of what I think about / believe about a particular situation or particular person, there is always the possibility that some additional information could have the effect of amending my perception – even completely changing my mind.