I love the phrase ‘let the best in me lead the rest in me’ that Dr. Allen Berger came up with. This article can help us realize that within us there is an ‘unsuspected inner resource’ (BB p.567) where we experience a ‘place of neutrality’(BB p.85) and discover this ‘best in me’. It further helps us understand that when we become aware that there is a part of me that wants X while another part of me wants Y … we are not pathological but simply coming to understand the conflicts and contradictions within us. And the ‘best in us’ can lead us in reconciling these contradictions and healing these conflicts. We are not all or nothing. We are very often both. To see ourselves as only one or the other is to distort the truth. Accepting our contradictions is to accept our humanity and to see ourselves with more clarity and rigorous honesty.
At the heart of our addictions, we often find an internal Jekyll /Hyde conflict that is fueling our addiction and perhaps negatively contributing to the quality of our sobriety and our potential for relapse. Coming to terms with these internal conflicts is a very important aspect of this article
This is another article that I’ll add to the growing “Healing Our Jekyll/Hyde Divided Self” section of the gugogs.org website. – Bruce M.
From the introduction of the book: Move Toward by Jenna Riemersma
Have you ever noticed that the more we try not to feel or do something, the stronger that feeling or urge seems to get? You know—the harder we try not to eat all the Oreos, the more we end up craving the whole bag? (Well, not us, of course—I’m talking about all those other people who eat the whole bag.)
That happens because “that which we resist persists.”* The more we battle the parts of ourselves we don’t like, the harder they tend to fight back. What if instead of fighting those parts of ourselves, we did the opposite?
What if we moved toward what’s hard with curiosity and kindness? What if compassion were much more effective than conflict in helping things shift and transform? This counterintuitive idea is at the heart of a psychotherapy approach called Internal Family Systems (IFS). Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s (and now with thousands of trained practitioners worldwide), IFS offers a powerful framework for understanding ourselves—one that’s both deeply compassionate and surprisingly effective at easing some of the biggest struggles both inside and outside of us.
IFS teaches that we all have an undamaged “Self” at our core, along with many different “parts” that make up who we are. These parts are all positive—they embody the good qualities that make up our unique personalities—but in the wake of tough experiences, they can get burdened with difficult feelings or behaviors. Once burdened, these parts tend to get activated and take us over when they experience a “trigger” in our environment—like when that kid in the souped-up Camaro nearly hits you, your road rage part gets triggered and takes over, and you say a few certain words in front of the kids that would make your pastor blush. Much like clouds that cover the sun and block access to its light and warmth (Schwartz, 2021), our triggered burdened parts cause us to lose access to the qualities of our Self—like calm, curiosity, and compassion—that are always present.
Trying to push these burdened parts away usually makes them hang on tighter. (Here’s lookin’ at you, Oreos.) But if we welcome them, acknowledge their good intentions, and listen to their needs, they tend to calm down and assert themselves less intensely. This allows us to reconnect with our wise Self-energy, which can help those parts let go of the burdens they carry and reveal their true positive qualities underneath.
Sounds amazing, right? Well, there’s good news, but there are some tricky parts too. The good news is that you really do have a powerful undamaged Self at your core, all parts of you really are good, and this approach really does work. The tricky part is that IFS is more complicated than it looks, and it’s honestly pretty hard to do the opposite of our natural instincts, especially when we’re triggered. I want us to be able to access the wise and centered Self inside of us, especially in those difficult moments when we need it most. But, of course, any tool that helps us do that needs to be simple or we won’t use it. That’s why, in this book, I’ve simplified the spirit of IFS into three easy-to-remember steps that we can use whenever we need a quick way to connect with our Self-energy: Notice Know Need.
By noticing our parts with curiosity and kindness, we create some helpful space between us and whatever emotion or thought is running the show. Asking what those parts want us to know helps us to understand their story and what our symptoms are trying to tell us. Learning what our parts need from us—like a pause, reassurance, or help—gives our inner Self a chance to actually meet those needs and calm things the heck down.
By making these principles easy to remember and simple to apply, I hope to help you find calm when you are triggered, understand the important messages your symptoms are trying to tell you, and get your needs met more effectively.
You’ll find that you can also use notice, know, and need to connect more wisely with others—kids, partners, friends, neighbors, coworkers—to strengthen and deepen your relationships. And when you’re faced with situations, people, or groups that are toxic or downright unsafe, these same three words can help you find your courage, set boundaries, make decisions about speaking up, and create safe space.
Doing the opposite of what we’ve always done—welcoming instead of fighting—can be hard, and many people find it helpful to explore this in a supportive group. Consider inviting your book club, your faith group, or a few friends to read this book together and discuss each chapter. The reflection questions I provide at the end of each chapter are perfect for facilitating these types of group conversations. If you prefer to go solo, these questions make great journaling prompts as well.
Getting to Know a Part
These questions can help you get to know a part of yourself once you are able to welcome it with curiosity and compassion. Gently reach out to your part with the following questions, and trust whatever response comes up—answers might arrive as words, images, feelings, sensations, memories, or just a sense of knowing.
Basic Connection Questions
Are you aware that I am here with you so that you’re not alone anymore? (Invite the part to notice your compassionate presence if it doesn’t seem aware of you.)
What do you want me to know about you?
How are you doing right now?
What’s most important to you?
How old are you?
Feelings and Concerns Questions
What do you long for?
What are you most afraid of?
What helps you feel safe?
What do you worry about most?
When do you feel most activated or triggered?
Relationships and Environment Questions
How do you feel about the other parts of me?
Which parts of me do you get along with?
Which ones concern you?
What situations make you feel most alert or reactive?
How do you feel when I’m around certain people?
What environments feel safest to you?
Origin Stories Questions
When did you first start feeling this way or doing this thing?
What was happening in my life at that time?
Were you trying to help me in any way?
Is there a particular event or time period that really impacted you?
What did you learn about the world back then?
Past Relationships Questions
Was any of your burden handed down to you from other people?
Did someone teach you that this was the way to be?
What messages did you take in about yourself?
What messages did you absorb about how to stay safe or be loved?
Would you like me to be with you in the way you needed someone to be with you back then?
Needs and Wants Questions
What do you most want me to understand about you?
What would help you feel more at peace?
How would you like me to connect with you?
What do you need from me when you’re feeling activated?
What would help you feel less alone?
Support and Comfort Questions
How can I better support you?
What would make your life or job easier?
When you’re activated, how can I help you feel better?
What do you need to feel heard and understood?
If you felt completely safe, how might things change for you?
Relationship with You Questions
How old do you think I am? (Offer an update if a number other than your age arises.)
What changes could I make so that you could feel safe to rest?
Are there ways I’ve been dismissing or ignoring you?
How can we communicate together more effectively?
What would trust between us look like?
Remember: Approach these conversations with the same gentleness you’d offer a friend. There’s no rush, and not every question will resonate. Trust your instincts about which questions feel right in the moment and be patient with whatever comes up or doesn’t come up. Sometimes parts need time to trust before they’re ready to share.
Riemersma, Jenna