The Big Book calls resentment the “number one offender” in relapse that “destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease”(BB p.64). In the 4tb step inventory, Bill W suggests we have some major work to do in becoming good partners in our relationships. From page 53 of the Twelve & Twelve:
“But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much.”
And Step 10 in the Twelve £ Twelve has the very uncomfortable suggestion that we are not just victims to what disturbs us but participants with this:
“It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong (or off) with us.” – 12&12p.90
Dr. Allen Berger’s Emotional Sobrierty Worksheet focuses on unrealistic demands and expectations as a key factor in understanding our participation in what disturbs us that can trigger anger and resentment. With all this in mind, let’s dig deeper into this very rich growth opportunity. Our likely work will begin with awakening to becoming conscious of the many unspoken and unwritten demands and expectations we’re imposing on ourselves and others – Bruce M.
It’s common for individuals to enter relationships with unrealistic expectations, fueling an insidious cycle that can lead to resentment and the end of that partnership.
Unrealistic expectations can erode strong connections and leave emotional scars on both partners. This article examines how unrealistic expectations become resentment in relationships and their detrimental effects on individuals and their bonds.
Understanding the cycle of unrealistic expectations
To understand how unrealistic expectations can breed resentment, we must first define them. Unrealistic expectations are our hopes and assumptions about a partner, family member, ourselves, or relationships, often grounded in fantasy rather than reality.
Expectations involve the vision of a relationship where our partners fulfill all our needs, communicate effortlessly, and have the same values and interests. However, when unmet expectations collide with the complexities of human nature, disappointment can ensue.
Unrealistic expectations often stem from various sources. Media and pop culture play a significant role in shaping our perceptions of a perfect relationship. Romantic comedies and fairy tales often portray idealized versions of love that we expect people to live up to, where conflicts are easily resolved, and happiness is constant.
Our past experiences and personal history also shape how we view relationships, potentially leading us to unrealistic expectations of our partners. These might include:
- Parental behaviors
- Childhood trauma
- Unmet needs
- Attachment styles
- Experiences with rejection, abandonment, or infidelity in past relationships
Societal and cultural pressures may further contribute to unrealistic expectations as we strive to meet the standards set by our families, peers, and society.
When unrealistic expectations become resentment
Unrealistic expectations set the stage for a predictable cycle that can lead to resentment. Initially, we may enter relationships with an idealized vision of our partners and the future we envision together. We generally feel excited, hopeful, and convinced that this person may be the key to our happiness.
However, as time goes by, reality sets in, and we may start to notice the discrepancies between our expectations and the actual dynamics of the relationship. Disappointment and disillusionment can creep in, shattering the illusion we once held. Negative emotions such as frustration, anger, and resentment might occur when our legitimate expectations go unmet. We may get upset that our partner doesn’t prioritize our needs, feel shocked when conflicts arise, or be resentful when they fail to live up to our idealized visions.
The give and take of healthy relationships may feel imbalanced, leaving us longing for the effortless connection we believed was possible. Unspoken expectations can further exacerbate the situation, as we assume our partners should intuitively know what we desire without us having to communicate it.
Over time, premeditated resentments can accumulate, poisoning the relationship. The emotional distress caused by resentment can affect the individuals involved and erode the trust and intimacy that once bound them together. Communication breakdowns may become more frequent as conflicts escalate due to unmet expectations. The relationship can become a battleground of hidden resentments and unexpressed disappointments, leaving both partners disconnected and unfulfilled.
Common unrealistic expectations in relationships
To address and overcome feelings of resentment, it may be beneficial to identify and understand the common, unrealistic expectations that tend to arise in relationships. Recognizing these patterns can help us reshape our perceptions and develop healthier perspectives.
Belief that relationships should bring constant happiness
One common, unrealistic expectation may be the belief that relationships should always be a constant source of happiness. Society often portrays love as continuous bliss, where conflicts and challenges are nonexistent. However, relationships can experience ups and downs. Difficulties are inevitable, and it’s through facing these challenges together that partners can grow and deepen their connection.
Expectation that partners should fulfill all our needs
Another unrealistic expectation may be that our partners should fulfill all our needs. While it may be natural to desire support, companionship, and emotional intimacy from our significant others, it’s helpful to recognize that no single person can be everything to us. Expecting our partners to meet all our needs can create an unrealistic burden that leads to disappointment.
Belief in perfect compatibility
Perfect compatibility may be another unrealistic expectation that can breed resentment. People may construct stories about finding their “soulmate” or “other half.” But no two individuals can align perfectly in all aspects. Recognizing and accepting differences as part of the rich dynamic of a relationship can be integral to creating and sustaining healthy connections.
Expectation of effortless passion
The expectation of effortless passion may also contribute to resentment. While passion may ebb and flow over time, many people expect the initial intensity of attraction to remain constant. However, many relationships require effort and nurturing to maintain the spark.
Unrealistic expectations about passion can lead to disappointment when the initial infatuation fades, leaving partners feeling unfulfilled.
Overcoming unrealistic expectations and nurturing healthy relationships
The journey toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships begins with recognizing and managing our unrealistic expectations. Here are some strategies to help break free from the cycle of resentment:
- Developing self-awareness and recognizing unrealistic expectations: Taking time to reflect on your expectations can help you better understand their origin. Acknowledging that your expectations may be unrealistic and letting go of rigid ideals can be challenging but ultimately liberating.
- Open and honest communication: Establishing a safe space for dialogue and directly expressing needs can be significant to relationship health. Cultivating effective communication enables partners to discuss topics such as expectations, boundaries, and disappointments constructively.
- Navigating emotions: Resentment can stem from charged emotions quickly spiraling out of control. Managing emotions and responding instead of reacting can prevent unnecessary hurt and anger. Creating space to process complicated feelings can help partners better understand each other’s perspectives.
- Compassionate understanding: Patience and understanding with your partner can help manage resentment. Suspending judgment and offering compassion can help partners reach a consensus and create a stronger bond.
- Cultivating realistic expectations and acceptance: Reassessing expectations with a realistic lens can help to manage resentment. Accepting that differences are part of relationships and embracing your partner’s positive aspects can help create more meaningful connections.
Building and maintaining healthy relationships often requires ongoing effort and commitment. You can foster an environment of trust by being reliable, honest, and transparent.
Regularly checking in with your partner about their needs, desires, and concerns can be a great way to deepen your understanding of one another. When you can have meaningful conversations that address conflicts constructively and practice forgiveness, you can create a safe space for open and honest communication.
Meeting activity
We’ll spend time sharing our perspectives on 5 questions. We’ll share on each question and then move to the next one. I wanted to give u time to think about … maybe even pray and write about these 5 questions. Or perhaps better yet ; journal this week on how your actions reveal your answers to these questions:
- What unwritten rules and unrealistic expectations am I placing on others? Are these demands seeking outwardly what I can only achieve inwardly?
A great way to prepare for answering this question is to see how many ‘should’ demands you place on people and/or yourself.
When you find yourself disturbed, simply answer this fill in the blank statement with as many answers as you can:
They should ___________
I should ____________
I like the reminder that often we are ‘shoulding’ all over ourselves and all this ‘shoulding’ is separating us from accepting life as it is not as I want it to be.
Further, often what we’re demanding from others … their support, their agreement, their affirmation and praise may be an indicator of what we haven’t yet learned to accept and find ways to support within ourselves. - As I place demands on others, am I moving toward treating them as objects to meet my demands rather than subjects who I can more deeply discover and authentically encounter?
- Where do I stand in the tension between making room for you and making room for myself? How am I at honoring my own integrity as a means of making room for me. Am I seeking to understand the others in my life with curiosiity, empathy and compassion as a means of making room for you.
- How am I doing in finding the best in me that can lead the rest in me? I think of this as my conscious connection to the God of my understanding. I love the following Big Book references to this ‘best in me’ … as an “unsuspected inner resource” (BB p.567), “position of neutrality” (BB p.85) and “newfound Friend” (BB p.13).
- Am I using pause/restaint to locate and honor the second voice in me that has no outcome demands or agendas? A second voice after pause that’s capable of an honest appraisal of the situation along with an openness and willingness to apply appropriate spiritual principles.
You might also find the 30 minute video from Allen Berger in the article below a useful way of gaining some insights to emotional sobriety and relationships.
Hope you can join me next Sunday for a topic I suspect we can all agree has room for growth and healing.