What does emotional sobriety look like in our relationships ? Here are a few ideas that Dr. Berger has helped me to discover and begin to work on:
- Seeing with more clarity the demands and conditions I place in my relationships. What unwritten rules and unrealistic expectations am I placing on others? Are these demands seeking outwardly what I can only achieve inwardly?
- As I place demands on others, am I moving toward treating them as objects to meet my demands rather than subjects who I can more deeply encounter and connect to? For me, this is a major warning sign that I am off and out of balance. I’m attaching myself to outcomes I may think I have to produce not actions guided by spiritual principles that trust outcomes to a Higher Power. I see that this movement toward attachment to outcomes is taking me away from the direction I want to move in with my 3rd step decision.
- Successful relationships will have room for you and room for me. Honoring my own integrity may be a good way to see room for me. Seeking to understand with curiosiity, empathy and compassion may help me make room for you. There can be a tension here but there also can be a harmony when these are better aligned.
- This experience of emotional sobriety in relationships requires me to have consistent access to the ‘best in me that can lead the rest of me’. I think of this as my conscious connection to the God of my understanding. I also love the following Big Book references to this Power … an “unsuspected inner resource” (BB p.567), “position of neutrality” (BB p.85) and “newfound Friend” (BB p.13).
- The ‘best in me’ is almost never my first impulse … I am much more likely to find it in the pause as I learn to honor the still,small voice that has no outcome demand or agenda but a true fidelity to practice spiritual principles. I think of this ‘best in me’ as the image of God that is within each of us (although often very hidden, masked and unconscious).
The video is about 30 minutes and is packed full of meaningful insights from Dr. Berger’s very recent talk in 2026. Allen Berger is a leader in Emotional Sobriety. His book 12 Essential Insights For Emotional Sobriety is featured prominently in the Emotional Sobriety section of the gugogs.org website. He is a Gestalt therapist with over 50 years of sobriety. – Bruce M.