Emotional sobriety doesn’t spontaneously appear. We have to work hard at growing up. Bill did. In addition to the time he spent working the Steps, getting spiritual direction from the Reverend Sam Shoemaker, spending time alone in contemplation, and working with others, he also sought out psychotherapy. His therapist was the famous Dr. Harry Tiebout, the first psychiatrist to recognize the importance of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Bill gained many valuable insights into himself and his feelings as a result of these efforts. Bill defined emotional sobriety as a “real maturity” and “balance” in our relationship with ourselves, our fellows, and our Higher Power.
We cannot have balance if we make what other people think more important than what we think. We cannot have balance or hold on to ourselves if we don’t grow up, emotionally. Therefore, it is best to think about emotional sobriety as a by-product of a particular way of being in life. Bill was an incredibly honest and humble man. He admits that he had major problems in his life because of his “failure to grow up, emotionally and spiritually.”
Isn’t this impressive—the cofounder of AA admitting he was immature? His level of humility and honesty is truly inspiring. Since maturity is critical for total recovery, our immaturity needs to be addressed in recovery.
In several of his writings, Dr. Harry Tiebout identified the cause of emotional immaturity as “infantile aspects of the child’s ego that persist into adulthood” (1999). It was Dr. Tiebout who first used the term “king baby” to describe one aspect of our behavior. He observed that we wanted everyone to submit to our will and desires.
The foundation for recovery is humility. The Twelve Steps are designed to create and maintain a sense of humility in our lives. We must learn to let go of our selfishness and self-centeredness. We must learn to get out of our own way—or rather, out of the way of our real-self. Therefore humility is also important in achieving emotional sobriety. Humility will ultimately be the foundation upon which we develop the ability to hold on to ourselves; to prevent ourselves from being knocked off balance by people, places, or things; and to not be overly influenced by others. It also puts our needs and desires into proper perspective.
Can you begin to see how relevant emotional differentiation is to this entire discussion? In fact, I believe that differentiation is to emotional sobriety as water is to life. Differentiation quenches the thirst of emotional sobriety. One of the hallmarks of emotional sobriety is honest and humble self-esteem. By self-esteem, I am not talking about the arrogant display of “esteem” for oneself or a pompous assumption of privilege and superiority. True self-esteem occurs when we respect our own needs and our desires as we do those of others, neither overvaluing nor devaluing them.
Until we achieve emotional sobriety, we will either feel less than or better than others. Without emotional sobriety, we will never experience the value of true humility and how it can improve our relationship with ourselves and with others. The first step toward emotional sobriety is to see the effect of our unreasonable expectations. Bill saw that unreasonable expectations—what he called his “adolescent urges” for “top approval, perfect security, and perfect romance”—created an impossible way of life for him, just as they do for us too.
Bill also described how he wanted “perfect security and perfect romance.” We are perfectionists. We have very strong and rigid ideas about how life is supposed to be, which is one of the reasons we drank, used other drugs, or did both. We didn’t know how to deal with life as it was; we wanted it our way. Bill also recognized that the emotional issues that were causing him to be depressed were deep within and, for a long time, outside of his consciousness. Bill was very insightful.
Bill mentioned that his “fears, compulsions and phony aspirations” need to be brought into line with what we know and believe.
How do we address these in recovery? The first step is to be honest with ourselves. Our greatest phony aspiration comes from our “perfectionist dreams and specifications.” We are perfectionists, whether we care to admit it or not, and we project these feelings onto circumstances and other people. This doesn’t mean that we do everything perfectly, because that’s impossible. Rather, it means we expect ourselves and others to live up to our perfectionistic specifications. We are absolute, black and white, in our concept of who we think we should be and how life should be. This is a major problem and feeds our emotional dependency.
Emotional freedom is possible. We constructed the false-self, and we can deconstruct it. Bill tells us there is hope. With much effort, we can grow up. We begin by identifying the problem. Bill identified the culprit behind his unrealistic expectations and depression. His hidden and raging Mr. Hyde was his “almost absolute dependence—on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security and the like.”
When we are emotionally fused, people or circumstances actually make us feel this way or that. The more emotionally dependent we are, the more influenced we are by circumstances or how others behave or feel.