Dan Thurman has written an excellent book entitled ‘Off Balance On Purpose’. I believe his chapter on ‘Own Your Reality’ has some very useful complements and pragmatic wisdom to help us to a more accurate and meaningful self examination that has no ceiling and the reality that more can always be revealed. I see much value in this chapter for both Step 4 and Step 10 work. I’ve also added a lot of links to many other GUGOGS articles that seem relevant to Dan’s insights.
As many of you know, Step 10 in the Twelve & Twelve makes the provocative claim that ‘it is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.”(p.90). The Twelve & Twelve then further suggests four mini- steps to begin to spot this disturbance. This spot inventory begins with a pause or ‘self restraint’. It then goes on to suggest we conduct “an honest analysis of what is involved, a willingness to admit when the fault is ours, and an equal willingness to forgive when the fault is elsewhere.” (P.91). We are reminded that this is a challenging process and “we need not be discouraged when we fall into the error of our old ways, for these disciplines are not easy. We shall look for progress not for perfection.”
As I’ve written in this related article, self examination is at the heart of both our 4th step and ongoing 10th step work. Many of us bring a strong sense that our real problems are external and are a function of people, places, and things that are not as they ought to be. We may feel victimized by these circumstances which seem to unceasingly make us ’restless, irritable, and discontented’. The steps and our recovery challenge us with a very different perspective and point of view. In Appendix 2 of the Big Book, recovery is described as a ’profound alteration in our reaction to life’. It further outlines that this change requires an indispensable dose of ’honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness.’ Our recovery is less about changing what is happening externally and more about changing our perspective on what we see as we learn to respond differently in our actions and attitudes to the realities of our lives. The ancient Stoic philosopher Epictetus in the 2nd century described this realization as ‘we are not disturbed by things, but by the view which we take of them’. Many would describe recovery as a lifelong ’inside job’ of transforming our responses and worldview as we seek to practice spiritual principles for what we desire and for what we do … ‘our wills and our lives’ as described in Step 3. – Bruce M.
Own Your Reality (Excerpts from Chapter 10 Off Balance On Purpose)
Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, “reality” is defined by the participant. What you choose to observe, focus on, and determine about your life is exactly what you will experience and share with others. There is not one reality but endless “versions,” each determined by the viewpoints, agendas, opinions, values, and interpretations of the participants at any given moment. The problem is, we are so close to the subject matter (our lives) that we begin to adopt our view as gospel. We look for validation and find it in observational evidence to support our case and willing witnesses who testify in our defense.
But what if your assessment of reality is totally off? What if you are basing all of your efforts and energy on a false premise—a mistaken measurement?
This chapter will help you comprehend your real-life situation. If you have been inaccurate in judgment or in placing responsibility, you are about to figure that out. You’ll then be able to move forward with an open mind and honest action. The fundamental question you need to answer is one you are probably asked, in some context, every day.
… The question “What’s happening?” takes on greater importance and depth when you ask it of yourself. And when you dare to answer that question with complete honesty, you undertake the next step in the process of living off balance on purpose. You “own” your reality. Before you can make purposeful steps forward, you must know where you are starting from. It’s not about looking forward and envisioning your dreams. Not yet. First you need to see your life as it is. Not better than it is (deceiving yourself by ignoring reality). Not worse than it is (bathing in the indulgence of victimhood). As it is. Now.
Owning our realities is the way we find our footing, confidence, and basis for action. The problem is, far too often we rush headfirst into an encounter without taking a moment to pause and evaluate the reality.
What’s happening? What’s really happening? Give this vital question attention as you move through your day. Before responding to situations, inserting your efforts (or opinions) and doing something, pause to consider and observe the scene. It may take just a moment, or it may require some more careful study, but what you learn may truly surprise you. Over time, and with regular practice, this will become more natural and effortless—part of your routine. Before action, you’ll take half a moment, a minute, or a month—whatever is required to accurately assess the reality of the circumstances—before forming an opinion, conclusion, or plan of action.
Reality Check
When you are feeling overwhelmed or ungrounded, or if you are unsure of what you should do, it’s always a good idea to conduct a quick “reality check” by mentally reviewing three fundamental truths:
1. You are here because of your past choices and actions.
2. The past is over.
3. You control what happens next. Let’s examine each of those powerful statements to get a full grasp on how to conduct this reality check.
REALITY ONE: YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE OF YOUR PAST CHOICES AND ACTIONS
Whatever you are presently experiencing is a direct result of your decisions. You can take full credit for your successes and missteps. Own your past. It’s yours—bought and paid for with your time, money, and energy. Whatever pattern exists in your life right now, you created it.
Period.
This first point is often a deal breaker, an insurmountable hurdle for those who are unwilling to surrender their status of “aggrieved victim.” It is difficult and humbling to claim credit for our shortcomings. Yet this step is truly the keystone requirement for making positive strides toward a more promising future.
Pride must take a backseat to progress. Pride and blame are soothing antiseptics, and when applied they can bring instant relief to life’s pains. But upon closer examination, they merely mask the infections and cause greater inflammation and suffering. In contrast, humility is a true healing agent. When applied deliberately and consistently, it promotes the comfort that comes from within. Recovery always begins with a proper diagnosis.
“But what about life’s unexpected tragedies? Illnesses? Crimes?” Granted, certain life events come at us with little explanation or warning. Please understand I am not assigning you personal blame for the tragic and inexplicable losses you will certainly face, nor for the actions of criminals against or upon you. There are times when we will be devastated by life events and will need to take time to absorb a loss or a disaster before moving on. Thankfully, most of our daily hardships are not of this sort. The majority of life’s events are self-created circumstances that, left unchecked, take on unhealthy, powerful proportions, dominate our thinking, and forestall progress.
Even when events occur that are unexpected or out of our control, we can take responsibility for our response to those actions. “Aren’t there times when I can feel justifiably victimized?” you might ask. Sure, you could feel that way if you want. But why bother? What good would it serve? What is the point? Feel free to blame whatever or whomever you like. Just realize that as long as this is your focus—however long you choose to assign responsibility to people and events outside your control—is exactly how long you forestall a solution. Why not skip all of that and claim responsibility for your actions within the situation? Focus on positive, deliberate action, not blame. This strategy will save you a great deal of time and energy.
REALITY TWO: THE PAST IS OVER
You can only begin from where you are now. The past is over. Let it go. When you take ownership of your part in creating your life circumstances—the good and the bad—then you must reconcile your culpability. Becoming honest and clear can be a liberating experience, but it also has some negative side effects. One of these is feeling guilty for misdeeds and wasted opportunities. When we take credit for our mistakes, it can be a humbling proposition.
Bemoaning the past, however, is simply another form of victimhood. Feeling bad about the events and encounters of old is a futile effort. It is a self-punishing exercise that forestalls positive action. You are, essentially, victimizing yourself.
When our words and deeds create problems for others, we create a trail of wreckage that must be dealt with eventually. Better to address these issues sooner rather than later. Take responsibility and apologize to those you may have wronged. Try to resolve issues, or at least express a willingness to admit your mistakes and ask for forgiveness. Then, forgive yourself and move on.
Interestingly, we can get similarly “stuck” by dwelling on past success. Perhaps the newsreel of your past is sensational. When you think back upon remarkable, enjoyable, wonderful moments and realize that you own that reality—you created it and can claim the credit—that feels pretty good. Reliving the “glory days” can provide an intoxicating escape from present circumstances. But if you are spending a significant chunk of your present moments pondering the past—whether you are reminiscing or ruminating—you are out of touch with your current reality. The past is over. Let it go.
Do not allow yourself to be handcuffed by history. Remove the shackles of regret and the chains of triumph. They are holding you back—restricting your expansion toward your infinite potential. Your greatest days are ahead of you. While it is important to learn from past experiences, recognize that the power of transformation is a present-day commodity, and it is, at this moment, within your grasp.
REALITY THREE: YOU CONTROL WHAT HAPPENS NEXT
The future will not be the same as the present; life is in a constant state of flowing change. While some circumstances may be unexpected, you control your response to these events, and therefore you can have a positive effect on the overall outcome. Your success, happiness, and enjoyment of life depend upon no one but you. If you find yourself waiting for someone else to make a decision that will determine your happiness, you are in a vulnerable position indeed. Certainly, you need others to help craft your reality, and the people in your life are significant influencers. Others contribute to your life experience or, in some cases, detract from it. But there is a big difference between an influencer and a determiner. You are the determiner. You are the final authority on your life. Do not relinquish that role to anyone else. There is always something you can do to take a positive step forward. And the first step is a self-examination
Principles, Beliefs and Values
I grew up in Chicago, a city full of character, culture, and phenomenal architecture. The skyline’s centerpiece and iconic symbol of strength is, of course, the Sears Tower, which for twenty-eight years was the world’s tallest building, standing at a proud 1,730 feet including the antennas. In September 2007, Sears was surpassed by Burj Dubai, a project that continues to climb even as I write this. Presently, Burj Dubai stands at 2,064 feet and is still under construction, with its maximum height a closely guarded secret (to thwart other designers and builders who are seeking the “world’s tallest” title). When you build something that big, it turns out to be extraordinarily heavy (Sears weighs more than 440 million pounds). To hold the structure in place and secure it against wind and weather, it must have one solid foundation. For Sears, this involved digging 70 feet to reach the solid bedrock before construction began. For Burj Dubai, 192 piles (reinforced concrete columns) are buried more than 164 feet into the sand. With every construction project, whether it is building a home or a soaring tower, the first task is always the same. Build the foundation. Without a formidable foundation to anchor the building to the earth, all other construction efforts would be uncertain and temporary.
As you think about constructing your future, you will want to build upon a foundation that will be stable and support growth and lasting changes. To accomplish this, you will need to go deep and anchor your beliefs, values, and principles. Take ownership of what they are and enhance them to support a soaring tower of potential. They are a part of your current reality, whether you have defined or acknowledged them or not, so you had better take the time to understand them before attempting to define your purpose.
What you believe and what you value most translate into your beliefs and values. These work hand in hand to create principles, or rules for life, which guide your behavior. We all have principles, even though they probably are not catalogued in any “official” way and even though you may not have given much thought to what they are. Think of beliefs, values, and principles as a structural system in which each element supports the next one. For example:
1. If you believe that most people are inherently good. 2. Then you will likely value people, relationships, diversity, and opportunities to learn from others. 3. These values will probably lead to such principles as:
Stay open to people and to multiple approaches to a situation. There’s more than one right answer.
• Nurture new relationships and maintain the ones you have.
• Communication is essential.
But what if you had a different core belief? For example: 1. If you believe that most people are inherently corrupt, selfish, and dishonest. 2. Then you will likely value security, separation, protection of what you have and think, and a select group of people who think like you do—people you can trust. 3. These values will probably lead to such principles as:
• Keep people at a distance.
• Be skeptical of other people’s motives; they are out to get something.
• Security is essential; protect and defend ideas and property at all costs.
Do you think that these two differing sets of beliefs, values, and principles will result in you having different life experiences? I juxtaposed these two examples to point out that what you believe creates a chain reaction with your values and principles. What is most interesting and illustrative is that, in each case, the person has created a system of thought (beliefs and values) and action (guiding principles) that will confirm and perpetuate the beliefs he or she cherishes. The two individuals will both be proved right each and every day.
There is more than one reality. Our beliefs, values, and principles define and facilitate the reality we wish to experience. Above all else, we want to be proved right. So let’s get real. What do you believe?
Love is hard to find.” or “Love is all around us.”
“I’m always broke.” or “I am meant to be prosperous.”
“There is never enough time.” or “Every moment has infinite potential.”
“I’ll never be able to live my dream.” or “Anything is possible.”
“The world is falling apart.” or “I can make a difference—small actions have a huge impact.”
“Opportunity is limited.” or “Opportunity is limitless.”
“Staying in shape has always been a battle.” or “I deserve to be healthy and fit”
“Quitting smoking is incredibly hard.” or “I am capable of shedding old habits.”
“I can’t seem to find any life balance.” or “Off balance is okay, as long as it’s purposeful.”
“I’m just not good enough.” or “I’m doing my best and getting better.”
“My spirit is always hurting.” or “My spirit is healing and evolving.”
“If I only had that, I’d be satisfied.” or “I’m satisfied and content right now, right here.”
Which “reality” would you rather have? That of the person on the left, who is broke, alone, in poor health, hurting, and hopeless? Or that of the person on the right, who is attracting love, health, prosperity, positive change, new
opportunities, and greater potential? It’s an easy call.
What do you believe? Are your beliefs beneficial to your long-term success and happiness, or do they need to be reshaped? You can change beliefs, and it’s easier than you might think. Start by suspending your disbelief.
SUSPEND YOUR DISBELIEF
When you go see a movie, you sit down in a dark theater and watch, wide-eyed, as a series of implausible events and scenarios occur. When you surrender to the screen, anything is possible, from the incredible to the supernatural. And although we know that what we are watching is imagined, we “suspend our disbelief” temporarily so we can simply enjoy the ride.
I believe this is the same way you reshape a belief from limiting to empowering. Suspend your disbelief that your previous mental construct is the only right answer. Introduce the question: What if it was different?
For example, let’s say you have a belief that maintaining your health is a constant struggle. You believe being healthy takes a supreme effort and requires difficult sacrifices. Deep down you know your life would be better if you did get in shape. But it’s just too hard.
Like most beliefs, that is a persuasive statement, and it has been confirmed through your experience, so it is hard to simply flip a switch and suddenly believe something different. So, instead, just consider a possibility. What if it were possible that you could become healthier and maintain that condition without a monumental struggle? What if you could actually enjoy the process, and it was fun?
I’m not asking you to substitute a belief that is 180 degrees from your previous position. Doing battle with your beliefs is a losing proposition, because you’ll likely become defensive, set yourself up for failure, and reconfirm your limitations. Instead, I’m just asking you to introduce the possibility that your beliefs could be different—more empowering—even temporarily. Just try the new belief on for size. Slip behind the wheel of a new belief system and take it for a test-drive; see if you notice a difference in performance. What would you value? What new principles would guide your life and inform your decisions? Enter the theater of your mind, where anything is possible, and suspend your disbelief that you are limited by the past. Imagine that you can have an amazing, fulfilling, blessed, healthful, and enjoyable existence. Then watch the story unfold.
TAKE YOUR TEMPERATURE
In the late 1970s, many fads swept the nation—disco, pet rocks, and Farrah Fawcett hair to name a few. I also recall the wild popularity of mood rings. These trendy and fashionable collectables were a huge hit because they allowed people to judge the mood of the wearer by observing the color of the stone in the ring. If you were mellow, relaxed, and friendly, the stone would appear a light green or blue, signaling that you were approachable. If, however, you were angry, excited, or anxious, the stone turned black. Mood rings were a fun fashion statement and conversation piece. And for a time, some people believed that they were accurate. In fact, the rings worked on one simple principle—temperature. The “stone” is actually a glass capsule containing thermo-chromatic liquid crystal (or a clear quartz crystal with a layer of liquid crystal underneath it). This material shifts its color spectrum based on subtle changes in the body’s temperature. Heat it up (by raising your internal temperature through activity or emotion or by standing in the sun, for that matter) and voilà! You’ve changed your mood.
With or without the accompanying jewelry, temperature has long been used as a way to characterize mood and temperament. Whether it corresponds to an accurate thermometer reading or not, we understand that some people are naturally cooler than others, and some can get hot with little or no provocation. How about you? Do you have a cool head or a heated temper? Are you all fired up, looking for conflict? Or are you able to chill, even in the midst of unexpected situations? What’s your temperature?
As you continue to take ownership of your reality, take an honest look at your internal temperature. Answer these questions.
TAKE YOUR TEMPERATURE READINGS
• Are you happy, cheerful, and positive, or depressed, defeated, and usually negative?
• Is your sense of humor good-natured or sarcastic?
• Are you loving or skeptical?
• Are you able to stay calm when others become frantic, or do you add fuel to the fire?
• Do you create stress for yourself and for others, or are you capable of diffusing stress through calm thought and deliberate action?
• Do other people benefit from being around you, or do they view you as a challenge to tolerate?
Own up to your dominant mode of operation, that is, your emotional temperature, whatever it is. Then decide if it’s acceptable to you or if it’s something you can improve.
TIME FOR ACTION
Understanding the concepts we’ve been discussing in this chapter is not enough. In the following pages, I’ll describe concrete steps you can and should take if you are serious about this process of ongoing improvement. First things first, though: If you haven’t done so yet, get a journal or start a file that serves as your special place to capture the valuable insights you will take from these exercises. Do these exercises before reading the next chapter so that you will be ready to take the second step toward an off balance on purpose life of fulfillment.
EXERCISE ONE—WHEN IN DOUBT, ZOOM OUT
This mental warm-up is so simple that you do it with your eyes closed! Find a quiet space and read through the instructions completely before performing this exercise. I first learned to do this when I began performing. The prospect of taking the stage was frightful to me and caused a lot of anxiety. But I learned that the emotions I was feeling at the time—stress and fear—could actually be converted to more positive and useful feelings—excitement and playfulness. Take a moment right now to imagine yourself where you sit reading this lesson. Now, take an “outside view” of the situation. Instead of seeing through your own eyes, position your mind’s eye above you, looking down at you in the chair. Then “zoom out” so that you are at the highest point in the room, on the ceiling, watching yourself. Got it? Good. Now, zoom out farther still, right through the ceiling and into the sky. Look down at the office building or home in which you are sitting and reading. Then continue outward in your mental image, past the clouds, through the layers of atmosphere and into space itself. From this vantage point, watch the earth below you, rotating around its axis in the star-filled galaxy. In less than a minute, you have just created some personal objectivity. You most likely have a more detached (and less emotional) perspective of your life situation. If you didn’t quite get there, do it again. The more you repeat this visualization technique, the more natural and effective it will become. So, return to this exercise anytime you need to get the big picture view.
EXERCISE TWO—DEAR SELF
Have you ever noticed how it’s always easier to look at someone else’s life and see their potential than it is to see your own? As an outside observer, we can clearly view their reality (or at least, we think we can). Positive choices become obvious because we are not emotionally attached to the outcomes. Maybe you’ve tried to share these insights with a friend. If so, you learned that a gentle, loving approach is extremely important. You are now about to take that approach with yourself, by writing a letter. I’ve even started it for you:
Dear Self (use your name), I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, and I need to let you know what’s on my mind. You see, I care about you very much and wanted to share a few observations about your life situation in the hopes that it may help you discover a fresh perspective. Please receive these comments in the loving spirit they are intended.
The way I see it … This may be the most important letter you will ever write. Give it your serious commitment.
Own your reality. Don’t rent it, lease it, borrow it, or lend it. Own it. It’s not a time-share either, so make sure it’s your reality, not someone else’s reality of your life. It’s personal. It’s vital. It’s ever changing. This moment’s reality is different from when you started reading. You are different.
Starting right now, take increasing ownership of your reality. Give it thoughtful and careful attention. “What’s happening,” here, you see, is the beginning of your expansion toward greater fulfillment.”