Well, I’m a half-century old now, and I have decided to face the music and become a grown-up. That word was uttered during my youth with such reverence: “When I get big enough, I can sit at the dining room table with the grown-ups,” we children would say wistfully at family gatherings.
And I suppose it’s finally time. Taking responsibility for my own actions and behaviors isn’t something I relish doing. It’s so much easier for me to continue being the victim, thus justifying my bad behaviors: you did this to me or you said that to me or you did it to me first. And on and on and on.
The AA program has taught me that changed behaviors are simple but not easy. I may know exactly what change I need to make but actually making it can be difficult. It takes commitment, tenacity, and a level of faith that the change itself will result in good. I’m learning that from AA people. I watch those I respect; I watch their calm demeanor, their ability to act responsibly, their commitment to a spiritual way of life that has allowed them to walk through pain and come out the other side with a smile still on their face as they utter the words, “I am so grateful to be here today to live this wonderful life.”
I borrowed others’ faith for a long time, and now I’m beginning to get a bit of my own. I wake up most mornings with a feeling of positive anticipation for what the new day will bring. I look forward to participating in my life, whereas in the past I was always waiting for something to happen before I could get on with this business of living. I spent my entire life getting ready to live. And it seemed there was always just one more thing that needed to happen before I could consider doing that.
I used to lament over and over the things that didn’t go right for me yesterday, last week, last year, or when I was a child. Meanwhile, I carefully mapped out my plans for things that would have to be done tomorrow, next week, or the rest of my life. I was so busy juggling the regrets of the past with the expectations of tomorrow I had no time for living in the present. I missed those precious moments of today.
No more. I am living in the moment. I am participating in my life as it happens today. If my neighbor invites me over for coffee when I’m in the midst of baking a cake, I ask her to come to my house and visit while I’m working. If a friend calls in need of support, I stop watching the ball game on television and listen to her. If my husband suggests an impromptu movie on a Sunday afternoon, I allow myself to alter my plans and go. In the past, everything had to be scheduled, had to be on the list, or it couldn’t be considered. I still make those lists each day but now with the understanding that changes–even deletions–are real options. I believe my to-do lists give me focus, but I do not believe (as I used to) that they are written in stone. If the kitchen drawer doesn’t get cleaned out, but I get a much-needed midday nap instead, that’s okay today. I did the more important thing.
A dear friend gave me a phrase some years ago that I often use. When I find myself consumed with regrets for the past or wallowing in fears for the future, I ask myself, “But how is my now?”
And you know what? My now is really awfully good. I am alive and physically well; I have a loving family, countless good friends, and a spiritual way of life today that allows me to participate in my own life as a responsible grown-up. And now I’m able to say, “I am so grateful to be here today to live this wonderful life.”
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