As John Bradshaw writes in his best selling book “shame as a healthy human emotion can be transformed into shame as a state of being. As a state of being shame takes over one’s whole identity. To have shame as an identity is to believe that one’s being is flawed, that one is defective as a human being. Once shame is transformed into an identity, it becomes toxic and dehumanizing. Toxic shame is unbearable and always necessitates a cover-up, a false self. Since one feels his true self is defective and flawed, one needs a false self that is not defective and flawed.” He goes on to say “such a feeling is so painful that defending scripts (or strategies) are developed to cover it up. These scripts are the roots of violence, criminality, war and all forms of addiction.”
And what can make this toxic shame difficult is that it hides itself not only from others but also from ourselves. When I find myself reacting to my frustrations with lots of self condemnation and hate, it is worthwhile to become curious about whether I am attempting to make real the false self I imagine ‘I should be’ and not accepting the real one I am.
Toxic shame may be a key creator of the pain that many of us are trying to solve with alcohol and our other addictive behaviors. Most of us can relate to using alcohol to kill or numb pain in our lives. Therefore, our initial experience was of alcohol as a solution to something that was causing us pain. Dr. Gabor Matte, whose medical practice served addicts, wrote the best selling book about addiction “In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts – Close Encounters with Addiction”. He describes it this way: “The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.”
At the heart of recovering from our alcoholism, we can use the Twelve Steps and AA to discover and address the causes and conditions of our pain as we find new creative ways to respond to this pain. There are also many valuable outside resources that can be useful in this pursuit.
This section of the website is focused on sharing information and resources that may aid you in your battle with that insatiable toxic shame. You can recognize this toxic shame if your self-talk is full of hate and condemnation. If you have struggled with relapse, you may find toxic shame an important new area for you to focus on ‘one day at a time’ that perhaps was not fully addressed in your prior recovery efforts.
A belief that ‘you are not worthy; not good enough, a mistake’ is incredibly painful. Yet many of us find ourselves burdened with what may feel like the prison and bondage of this belief. Often, this belief came very unconsciously into us when we were very, very young and quite incapable of rational reflection and taking care of ourselves. We were trying to fit into our families and life circumstances but, for whatever reason, we internalized our lack of love, belonging and acceptance as a fundamental shortcoming of who we are; not what we did or didn’t do. Many of us developed an identity that was completely blended with the shame of being ‘not good enough’. We believed our caregivers were right when we got the message that we needed to be something other than who we were to gain these essentials of what were missing in love, belonging and acceptance. And many of us have spent our lives trying to fill that empty hole … that donut within…. the certainty, on the inside, of our unworthiness coupled with ceaseless effort, on the outside, to find a fix that protects us from encountering this debilitating pain.
It’s also true that we live in a culture whose consumerism and economic vitality is built upon a not enough belief; we need more; that more is better; that to be content is to be left behind; that we can shame not love our way into solving what is missing in our lives. Brené Brown, a very well known and respected researcher on shame says “we want to believe that shame is reserved for people who have experienced really unspeakable trauma. You know, when we think of shame, we immediately think, “Oh, abuse,” but shame is something we all experience, and it comes up for many of us in our lives on a daily basis, and it doesn’t hide in kind of the faraway corners of our lives. It tends to lurk in all the familiar places: Appearance and body image, money, work, parenting, family, mental and physical health, addiction, sex, aging, religion.”
Brené continues: “I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous”
A well respected psychologist and writer, Linda Bloom says “There is a difference between shame and guilt. Guilt means I made a mistake. Shame means I am a mistake. Shame is an immensely painful feeling that we are all alone, unworthy of love and belonging.
So, my hope is that you can use the resources in this section of the website to begin or amplify your journey from a toxic shame that believes you are a mistake to a healthy guilt that accepts the very human limitation that you make mistakes.
False Pride & Self Centered Fear
Let’s do a deeper dive into understanding toxic shame written by one of the 20th century’s most recognized experts on this subject as well as addiction , John Bradshaw:
Next John describes his experience of healing not just his alcoholism but also the underlying shame that he says fueled it with the Twelve Steps
How AA’s Twelve Steps Can Transform Toxic Shame
Bill W’s Battle With Shame
AA’s founder was no stranger to this battle with shame. This article written by Ray A from his book ‘Practicing These Principles’ describes Bill’s experience in terms of shame , pride and eventually humility.
Discovering True Worth – Humility’s Role In Overcoming Shame and Pride
Toxic Shame And Relapse – Dr. Allen Berger
Dr. Allen Berger, who has contributed so much to the Emotional Sobriety section of our website, helps us understand how relapse is often related to this creation of what he calls a ‘super being’ which then imposes a ‘tyranny of “shoulds,” self-hate, and unenforceable rules. We imposed a ridiculous set of demands on ourselves and how we should feel, think, and respond.”
Understanding Relapse By Addressing Shame
Center For Healing Shame – Bret Lyon and Sheila Rubin
Toxic Shame, Character Defects And Out Of Proportion Reactions
Mic Hunter
In his article, Mic helps us understand this problem at bit better and begins to show us how AA’s Steps and Fellowship can help us respond differently to the pain of toxic shame
Brené Brown’s perspective
Differentiating Toxic Shame From Healthy Guilt
Let Go Of Who You Think You’re Supposed To Be And Embrace Who You Are
Henri Nouwen
Our Great Temptation To Reject Ourselves
The Yin/Yang of Shame & Grandiosity
How Grandiosity and Unworthiness Relate
Emotional Sobriety Worksheet and Video
AA Grapevine Article
A Grapevine Article on how the 7th step can be an ongoing help for us to accept and respond differently
An Alcoholic and a Child of God
Bruce M – my attempt to begin telling my shame story
From Toxic Shame To Healthy Guilt
Allen Berger
Pause And Finding Your Unsuspected Inner Resource ….Your Second Voice
And here is a poem I wrote back in 2006 that attempts to capture this futility of my ‘donut’ quest of replacing what feels missing on the inside with something I can gain from the outside
Applying The St Francis Prayer To Our Inside Job Of Reconciliation & Healing
The Hole (Wednesday Feb 1st 2006) By Bruce M
Have you ever felt you were incomplete
Like a major part of you just was never installed
Why don’t I fit in
Why do I feel different
What is wrong with me
Why can’t I let go of this feeling I’m just not enough
And so the search begins
To find what is missing
To hold onto what is gained
A lifetime spent to fill the hole
People
Places
Things
Sex
Money
Power
Control
Accomplishments
Jobs
Relationships
Marriage
Kids
Drugs
Alcohol
Church and Religion
But still the feeling always returns
Sometimes it stays away for years it seems
And other times its endless grasp holds you tight
Whatever you throw its way
It consumes and asks for something else
What if the hole you felt was nothing more
Than a simple reminder
That you are not whole
That only He can fill this hole
And what you’ve spent a lifetime running from
And fighting to get
Is nothing more than His invitation
That resided patiently inside from the start
Always there
Ready when you are
To come and share your pain
And fill the empty center
That nothing else can cover or fill
And make your life something more
Than quiet desperation
And inconsolable futility
All alone