What Is Shame?
Shame is that burning in our faces when we think those around us have finally figured out how worthless we are. We think we’re inadequate or worthless. It’s when we hate to look anyone in the eye; when time seems to crawl and we wish we could disappear. It makes us feel hopeless, helpless, and empty. Someone has seen our real self and we’re sure they’re disgusted.
In families where there’s much shame, people are busy struggling to survive emotionally. They have little energy left to support or nurture others. When someone expresses a need, the others resent it. They fear there are not enough emotions to go around and they will somehow be cheated. .
Once we’ve become shame-based the shame is self-triggering. Each time someone pays attention to us, even in a positive way , we may feel ashamed.
How A Twelve Step Program Works
What is it about the Twelve Steps that brings people relief from these kinds of problems? The power of the Steps comes from addressing the dynamics of shame, which is at the core of many compulsive behaviors. Addicts, however, don’t have an exclusive claim on shame. Everybody has shame, but addicts have more than our fair share. Many of us were once children in addictive families , where rules supported and even encouraged addictive behaviors. The addiction can be to alcohol, other drugs, food, sex, or other compulsive behaviors; regardless, addictive families are shame-based families.
This means rules are enforced in a shaming manner. When we broke the rules we were shamed. Rather than being told we did a bad thing, we were told we were a bad person. For example, a child at dinner spills milk. The parent says, “You’re nothing but a milk spiller. You always spill your milk. Nobody can love a milk spiller. You should be ashamed of yourself.” The child has been labeled a milk spiller and told she is unlovable. In this situation, there’s no way to redeem herself since she ‘always’ spills her milk. Even after she cleans up the milk she’ll still think of herself as a milk spiller. Finally, the parent pours the child half a glass of milk, reminding her that she is a milk spiller and can’t be trusted with a full glass.
What Twelve Step groups do is help us change our shamed-based identity into a guilt-based identity. That’s right, guilt. Remember, guilt has gotten a bad name, because people have confused it with shame. Guilt is the emotion that helps us learn, and stay within, our value system. If we do something bad, it’s proper, even desirable, to feel guilty. When I behave in a way that violates one of my values I feel guilty. That motivates me to seek the person harmed and makes amends. Then my guilt goes away, because it’s no longer needed. (If we feel bad or can’t seem to forgive ourselves long after we’ve made amends, chances are we aren’t feeling guilty: more likely it’s shame.)
Guilt also prevents people from behaving in ways that trigger more guilt. I know if I do certain things I’ll feel guilty. And since I don’t want to feel guilty I’ll more than likely avoid that behavior.
Shame And Guilt
Let’s return to the example of the child who spilled milk. In a guilt-based family the parents tell her that spilling milk is messy, wastes food and disrupts mealtime, and that they get angry when she spills. The parents may also add that a way to deal with making a mess is cleaning it up. The child has now learned that milk spilling is frowned on, and she can make amends by cleaning up the milk. Very likely, in the future she’ll be more careful. Guilt-based families make three things clear:
- mistakes are part of being human
- a mistake is only a mistake, not a reflection of someone’s personal worth;
- damage can be repaired and forgiveness received.
Shame And Recovery
With any addiction there’s more to recovery than stopping compulsive behaviors and thoughts. Alcoholics Anonymous has known this for years. As some say, “There’s more to it than putting the plug in the jug”. Alcoholics who merely stop drinking and don’t work a recovery program never seem to find a comfortable sobriety or serenity. They’re commonly referred to as ‘dry drunks’. Having a fairly superficial understanding of the First Step, they stop their alcohol use. But they don’t see the need for working others Steps. By not working the remaining eleven Steps they often remain shameful and unhappy. Frequently, a person will go so far as stopping one addictive behavior such as chemical use, only to begin acting compulsively with some other substance. They may substitute food, caffeine, tobacco, sex, or gambling for the previous addiction. This is because the root of the problem – the shame- has not been addressed.
Feeling shame is like having a hole in our soul. Compulsive behavior attempts to fill this hole, but without success. If we dislike ourselves before getting drunk, we’ll still dislike ourselves when we’re drunk and sober up. The compulsive behavior only serves to briefly numb their pain.
Step One: Admitting Powerlessness
Shame often results from broken relationships. When people treat us in a shaming manner, they’re implying that relationships are conditional, we’ve failed as a person, and aren’t worthy of relationships. This can lead to emotional, spiritual, and sometimes physical isolation. To recover from shame, we need to remove the isolation barrier and build in its place supportive and accepting relationships.
Frequently when asked what the First Step says, the response is “Admitted I am powerless”. I often stop them there saying, “It sounds like you forgot what I think is the most important word, the WE, as in ‘we admitted we were powerless ….’ Perhaps you’ve overlooked the key to the program. Maybe that’s one reason you’re struggling.” The Twelve Step program was founded on one addict helping him or herself by helping others. It’s a key reason the Steps work.
Sponsorship helps for the same reason. A sponsor may say “Your recovery matters. You matter. I’m here because you’re worth knowing and helping.” This is hard to accept if we’re shame-based people to whom even positive attention triggers shame. It may be seem easier to do without a sponsor, to try to slip in and out of meeting unnoticed, or to have a sponsor in name only and never develop a real relationship.
When beginning recovery it’s important for us to “act as if.” If we wait until we think we’re worthy of a support group and nurturing experiences, we may never get around to beginning recovery. We need to act as if we deserve kind treatment. As we behave differently, we begin to feel and think differently and then we are different. Our new, healthier attitudes and behaviors will begin to seem natural.
Having A Sense Of Control
After powerlessness, the second important concept the First Step introduces is unmanageability. People with too much shame are bound to have unmanageable lives. That’s because the rules in shame-based families make it so you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. No matter what people do they will feel shameful.
One way to balance our lives is to admit our powerlessness to control our world. All of us, addict or not, are powerless to control many things, no matter how hard we try. But people who grow up in shame-based circumstances don’t usually learn about powerlessness. They tend to assume that if an outcome isn’t what they wanted, then it’s their fault because they didn’t try hard enough. They don’t learn that some things they can control and some they can’t. I hear that belief often when hearing these kinds of comments in meetings:
- “I shouldn’t need help with this”
- “If I just tried harder, I know I could control this”
- “If I were a real man I could handle this problem on my own”
- “I don’t need a group. I don’t want to burden them with my problems. I can handle it.”
Working the steps helps a person learn to find balance in life. Extreme behaviors and attitudes become less attractive. When people talk about serenity, they’re often talking about living a life of balance.
Step Two – Restoring Our Sanity
Shame tells us that we’re bad, have always been bad, and will always be bad. The Second Step addresses shame by challenging the belief that we can’t change. This step can be interpreted to mean that our shame-based identity is abnormal and was inflicted on us. It is not our true self.
Nearly everyone with a shame-based identity knows that shame seems overwhelming, bigger than anyone or anything. The Second Step offers the possibility of having a relationship with a more gentle “Power great than ourselves.” In this way, our belief in a Higher Power helps us gain hope for not just changing our addictive behaviors but restoring a sanity that recognizes us as having inherent value and worth as one of God’s kids.
Step Three: In A Higher Power’s Care
To heal shame, relationships are needed. The Third Step addresses this by helping us form a trusting relationship with a Higher Power of our understanding. This is hard for many people because shame teaches them they don’t deserver quality relationships, let alone a relationship with God.
A second barrier can be the confusion between our experience with our parents, and with our concept of God. When we were infants our parents may have been godlike to us. If they treated us in a shaming manner, however, we probably grew up to believe that God is like that too. We may be afraid of God or think we have no use for spirituality. But spirituality can help heal the isolation of shame by providing us with a sense of connection – we begin to feel we have a place in the universe and an inherent worth.
A third barrier to using this Step is institutionalized shame. Many families seem to believe that shaming children enough will make them change. This belief in the power of shaming to change behavior is also held by some churches, school, companies, and even therapists. Shaming people in hopes of making them better doesn’t work. If we’ve had this hurtful experience in shame-based institutions, the Third Step will help us change to gain shame-free spirituality.