Thom Rutledge partners with Dr. Allen Berger on his Emotional Sobriety podcasts. A topic that relates to emotional sobriety , healing our divided selves, and toxic shame is what Thom calls the ‘should monster’ and Allen describes as ‘shoulding’ all over ourselves.
Toxic shame is an identity that we are a mistake rather than we make mistakes. Our sense of unworthiness has lead many of us to create a false self full of ‘shoulds’ that we believe will lead us to feeling that we belong, are loved and can be accepted. The more we identify with this false self ; the more difficult it becomes to practice the rigorous honesty the program suggests of accepting ourselves as we are not as we believe we should be. This article helps us to understand this challenge and respond very differently to it. I will add this to our menus for Emotional Sobriety , Healing Our Jekyll/Hyde Divided Self, and Toxic Shame. I see this work as very helpful for those of us who have struggled with relapse and/or the quality of our sober experience. – Bruce M.
High Tolerance
Just as alcoholics have a high tolerance for alcohol, people who are excessively self-critical have a high tolerance for their criticism and the feelings that it evokes. Alcoholics may not consider themselves drunk even after several drinks, and others will often not perceive them as drunk due to their increased tolerance. Having alcohol in their systems has been “normalized.” We say that they can hold their liquor.
Similarly, even excessively self-critical people may not appear so outwardly, and because tolerating self-criticism is “normal” for them, they may not identify their self-criticism as a problem. With constant exposure to self-criticism, a tolerance is built. We could say that they can hold their self-criticism. They may even value their high tolerance to self-criticism as a strength.
The excessively self-critical can withstand extreme amounts of personal attack, from self and others, without necessarily showing the effects outwardly. But make no mistake: Tolerance to pain or poison is not an attribute; it is part of the problem.
We tend to habituate to self-criticism just like we do to any particular sound in our environment that is constant—for instance, the steady hum of some appliance or machinery. That is, we unconsciously “tune out” the constant sound in order not to be distracted by it. When a visitor to the environment notices the buzz of my old refrigerator and asks me, “What is that sound?” I reply with my own question, “What sound?” In the same way, we may “tune out” self-criticism, but we are not able to easily escape the emotional, mental, and physical effects of the “constant buzzing within.”
Others who are self-critical will be obvious to the outside world: It’s like they have the external speakers turned on so that we can all listen to their unrelenting criticism and negativity about themselves. Frequently, these people are constantly apologizing, whether or not they have done anything wrong. (I’m sorry I said that.) The folks with their external speakers turned on still have the same high tolerance—sometimes an even higher tolerance—and therefore do not take effective action to change things for the better. They just keep criticizing and apologizing. Still others will be stoic as they stand constantly in the line of self-critical fire, but will be detectable outwardly via persistent physical complaints, including headaches, body pain, and fatigue. Again, the tolerance remains high, particularly when there is little or no awareness of how the perpetual negativity is playing into the symptoms.
All of that can change.
A New Way of Thinking about Self-Criticism
The reason that audiences I spend more time with “become” more self-critical is that as I describe self-criticism in new terms to them, their self-awareness increases. They begin to find the hidden pictures, to experience self-criticism in terms of their inner relationship. They become not more critical, but more aware of the constant “noise” in their heads—the noise they had previously habituated to, or the “noise” they had previously accepted as their normal experience.
Here is a simple idea with great potential: You can have a relationship with your self-criticism rather than remaining in the powerless and exhausting position of being self-critical. And as you learn to think of this as a relationship, you’ll begin to establish the ability, and eventually the power, to do something about it. You are opening the door to change; you are giving yourself the opportunity to disagree with a negative opinion.
The Should Monster Revealed
Meanwhile back in the conference room . . . The big shot (big bully is more like it) who is usually in charge of the committee is a character I call the Should Monster.
I have been describing this much dreaded and ever present committee bully to audiences for years, and I have never had to explain at length who (or what) this Should Monster is. Audiences recognize it almost instantly.
The Should Monster is the inner critic that accompanies us inexhaustibly through our daily lives. The Should Monster believes that it knows best, offers advice freely, and is always available—and more than willing—to tell us what we should do or how we should be different in some way. To this constant inner critic we are never enough. We can never be enough and we can never do enough. The monster is never satisfied. And unless we can find a way to pry ourselves loose from the Should Monster and its predictably negative opinions, we will never be satisfied.
Your Should Monster won’t show up with a name tag that says Should Monster or Inner Critic or Bully or Your Personal Tyrant. It will tell you that it is your best friend, your only hope. Mine used to say, “Thom, if it weren’t for me lighting a fire under your butt, or hanging a carrot in front of your face, you would have accomplished nothing in your life. I’m here for your own good, and don’t you forget it.” I would respond obediently with the appropriate shame, having been “put in my place.” There were times when I expected to hear my Should Monster tell me that it was “the Truth, the Light, and the Way.” I suppose not saying it was my Should Monster’s idea of being subtle.
Your Own Personal Monster
Every Should Monster is unique, with its own particular demeanor and style. Some are not as blatant as mine—mine never hesitated to jump up and down in my mind calling me names and threatening me. Some are much more subtle, even subliminal, but every bit as powerful. And when challenged, any Should Monster will become quite intimidating.
I frequently remind my clients to beware of the Should Monster that waits in the car, ready to talk to them on the way home from therapy sessions: “I can’t believe you said that about your parents!” or “Don’t you think that you were exaggerating things just a bit? There are people in the world with real problems, you know!” or “You are beyond hope. Don’t you know that you are wasting your time talking to that silly man . . . and paying him for it!” I’m always amazed how—in one breath—the Should Monster will tell us that we are the worst of the lot and that there is nothing wrong with us.
These perpetual advice givers are especially fond of Monday-morning quarterbacking, offering a steady stream of you should have this’s and you should have that’s. Toss in a few if-only’s, what-ifs, and the always popular you-can-never-get-anything-right, and there you have it: a well-rounded, highly effective Should Monster.
The best Should Monsters (as if it’s a competition) are masters of the questions that are not questions: “Why can’t you ever stick to a diet?” “What makes you think you could ever be in a healthy relationship?” “Why don’t you just give up?” (or “Why do you always give up?”)
Whatever the style, your own personal monster is probably the source of that pervasive guilt or shame you carry in your gut, chest, or head. It will not be the source of any genuine forgiveness. And it is probably in charge of your committee.
And remember: This tyranny is inwardly directed. Some people with the most ferocious Should Monsters are outwardly the kindest and gentlest of friends, employers, co-workers, and family members. We operate with a dangerous double standard that most simply states, “You deserve a break. I don’t.”
Decreasing Tolerance
Once self-criticism is translated into a relationship with your Should Monster, you may feel overwhelmed by the control that your monster has over your feelings, thoughts, and actions. Hang in there. As you become increasingly aware of how toxic this relationship is, you can be sure that your once high tolerance for self-condemnation is on the decline.
As your tolerance for the criticism decreases, it is only natural that you will feel worse. You will be in touch with the feelings that anyone would reasonably experience as the recipient of such unfair judgment. This is an opportunity for you to have empathy for yourself—which by the way has nothing to do with feeling sorry for yourself, contrary to your Should Monster’s opinion.
And just as we depend on physical pain to draw our attention to injury or illness of the body, the emotional pain experienced when faced with the abuse from the Should Monster is also signaling, “This hurts. Something is wrong here. Do something.” The pain and discomfort is going to become an essential ingredient in your new determination to change the dynamics of this long-standing, exhausting relationship.
A Healthy Split
We tend to identify—even to agree—with the negative opinions of our Should Monsters. These opinions are often expressed with such confidence, authority, and constancy that we automatically and without question accept them as fact. Brainwashed. Old habits die hard. And so on.
The relationship with your Should Monster is based on the codependent rule that whatever you think of me will determine how I will feel about myself. Can you identify relationships, in the past or present, that are (or were) based on this rule? These are relationships in which you have handed over your personal power to another person—a spouse, a parent, a child, a friend, and so on. The relationship with your Should Monster is based on the same principle, and blindly obeying this rule—in any relationship—can only lead to feelings of lowered self-worth, discouragement, and shame, none of which are of much help in learning to forgive yourself.
In order to intervene in this inner codependent relationship, it is necessary to learn to tell the difference between your Should Monster and yourself. By consciously shifting your identity from the messenger to the recipient of the messages, you will take a giant step toward creating a space for forgiveness. In essence you are placing the Should Monster outside of yourself, front and center, and you are listening to what it has to say. Afraid or not, you are not hiding. You’re Gary Cooper and it’s High Noon.
As you learn to distinguish yourself from your monster, it is not unusual to discover that you may agree with some or all of the negative, critical messages. Don’t panic. I guarantee that if you continue to practice separating from your Should Monster and learn to identify yourself as the recipient of the should”s, your responses will slowly but surely change. They will move toward a much healthier, empowered, and realistic position characterized by this statement: [You speaking to your Should Monster] “I see you. I hear you. I know who and what you are. And I disagree with you.” And as you learn to disagree, shame will give way to anger, and that anger will become necessary fuel for making this healthy split. As Popeye the Sailor says, “I’ve stood all I can stands, and I can’t stands no more!”
So, who is in charge of the committee? The answer is probably the Should Monster . . . for now. Here’s a suggestion: For the next five to seven days, practice the journal exercise that follows. Then reassess your relationship by rereading this chapter.
Anger is not the problem.It is an important part of the solution.
Getting Better Acquainted with Your Monster
What’s in a Name?
You may want to name your inner critic something other than the Should Monster. For me, Should Monster was the perfect name—I thought of it as my should-er on my shoulder. One of my clients calls her monster IT, with capital letters. Other names I have heard: the Warden, the Punisher, the A—hole, the Programmer, the Supervisor.
He, She, or It?
Trust your intuition when it comes to thinking of your Should Monster in terms of gender. Some men I have worked with have had a critical voice they clearly identified as female. And the large majority of the women I have talked with about their Should Monsters automatically refer to them as he.
Your Inner Relationship
The following exercise is a powerful way to practice distinguishing yourself from your Should Monster. Trust your intuition with this exercise; there is no wrong way to do it. If you think there is, it is likely that your Should Monster is trying to supervise your work. Give yourself room to explore, keeping in mind that the purpose is to increase awareness; it is not about pushing yourself to change. Remember to let the power of awareness (Chapter 3) work for you.
Divide a page in your journal into two columns. Label one column “Should Monster,” and for now, leave the second column blank. In the Should Monster column, start a list of some of your Should Monster messages. Some may be general criticisms that you live with constantly. Others may be insults and put-downs specific to certain situations or relationships in your life.
If you are thinking that this sounds negative (sort of anti-Norman Vincent Peale), you are absolutely correct. The messages of inner abuse are negative. But the increased awareness that will result from keeping track of your specific messages is positive. To the degree that these should messages remain hidden from your conscious awareness, they will maintain a powerful, subliminal effect on you. Before a problem can be effectively solved, the nature of the problem must be clearly defined. And you must learn to walk toward the problem, even when the most natural reflex is to duck and cover. In fact our Should Monsters are powerfully reinforced every time we submit to their intimidation.
Now here is the twist: Write each message to yourself in the second person, with your name preceding each message. In other words, write the messages from your Should Monster to you. For example, “Thom, you are a selfish, ugly person …Thom, you should work much harder than you do … you are lazy.”
Notice the progression from specific to general in the following examples:
Thom, you are doing a sloppy job writing this chapter. [specific] Thom, what made you think you could ever make it as a writer? [more general, a rhetorical question as an insult] Thom, you have no talent. [Even more general] Thom, you don’t deserve to breathe. [That should cover it.]
Now write some of your should messages in your journal. Here are a few more examples:
SHOULD MONSTER MESSAGES
Thom, you are lazy and useless. Thom, what makes you think you have anything worth sharing with others? Why don’t you keep your stupid thoughts to yourself? Thom, you will always be depressed just like the rest of your family. Give it up, loser.
Notice that the messages do not have to contain the word “should.” Often it is implied. Some may be general criticisms (directed at who you are) and others will be more specific (directed at what you do or don’t do). You may or may not be aware of a message’s origin. Some people will instantly recognize the source of a message, as in, “This is exactly what my father/mother/brother/teacher used to say to me.” Others will identify the should messages as only their own thoughts.
And listen for the should messages in the form of rhetorical questions, the questions that are not questions at all, but imply that you should be different. i.e. “How do you expect others to have a chance to speak if you don’t shut up?” “Why are you the way you are?” The should’s are implied, but they are not subtle.
List five to ten of your should messages. Then read them aloud to yourself two or three times, paying careful attention to your responses. Try reading them into a mirror. How do you feel emotionally? Describe your physical responses. Is there a knot in your stomach? Tightness in your chest? Do you feel numb, emotionally or physically? Stretch your awareness. Learn as much as you can about how you are responding to your should messages. Write this information in your journal.
I have one client who calls this exercise “pronoun therapy,” referring to the shift from first to second person when writing the should messages. And in fact, this simple pronoun substitution can become the beginning of a powerful ripple effect of change in your life.
There is a big difference between walking around thinking, “I am worthless,” or “I can never get it right,” and being followed around by someone who is telling you, “You are worthless,” or “Your never get it right.” You many not experience the difference immediately, but when you continue to practice the separation from your Should Monster with this “pronoun therapy,” your tolerance for self-criticism will significantly decrease. Regardless of how low your self-esteem is, if someone were to follow you around day and night, insulting you and criticizing you at every turn, that someone would begin to get on your nerves.
By practicing this simple exercise you take a stand — a stand of separateness from your Should Monster. This is a declaration of independence.
Responding to the Should Monster
When you are ready, use the blank second column in your journal to write your responses to the should messages. You can label this column “My Responses.” For each message write two responses. First, write your thinking response — your opinion. In its simplest terms, this response is one of agreement or disagreement with the message. You may be in agreement with some (or even all) of your Should Monster’s messages. I call this the “yes position,” and it is frequently the first response as you begin to separate from the monster. At this point, having a different opinion is not as important as have a separate opinion.
The second response to write for each message is your emotional response. Once you hear the message and become aware of your opinion, what are you feeling? When you agree with the message, guilt or shame will be the predominant feelings. When you move toward disagreement, you will experience less shame and more anger. It is not unusual to feel numb, neutral, or “split off” in response to the criticisms; some people will reflexively abandon their own awareness, their senses, even their bodies (this is referred to as dissociation) and leave them to the Should Monster. It is a little bit like car-jacking, except instead of your car, your mind and body are stolen.
Here are some examples of responses to the Should Monster:
SHOULD MESSAGES & MY RESPONSES
SM Message: Thom, you are lazy and useless. Opinion: I know, I agree Feeling: I feel awful – shame.
SM Message: Thom, what makes you think you have anything worth sharing with others? Why don’t you keep your stupid thoughts to yourself? Opinion: Wait a minute. I have a good track record helping other people in therapy, in workshops, and with my writing. Feeling: Angry, irritated, defensive
SM Message: Thom, you will always be depressed just like the rest of your family. Give it up, loser. Opinion: I hope not. I don’t want to believe that depression has to define me. Feelings: Some strength, lots of fear
Work with this for the next couple of days. If by then you are finding it to be helpful, continue the two-column journaling for the next week to ten days, remembering that the only objective of this exercise is to learn to distinguish yourself from your Should Monster.
Write a few should messages and your corresponding responses each day just for practice. Also, this is an excellent “emergency” exercise to use any time you are being barraged with self-criticism. Use the exercise to pry yourself away from the destructive grip of your Should Monster; with just a little bit of space between the two of you, you will be surprised how your responses will begin to change.
Points of Reference
Self-criticism will not go away easily, but you can learn to disagree with negative beliefs about yourself.
Make a daily practice of separating from your Should Monster. Remind yourself, “It is over there. I am right here.”
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