This article gives us some new ways of approaching the spiritual axiom described on page 90 of the Twelve & Twelve in the chapter on Step 10:
“It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us”
Dr. Allen Berger likes to clarify this by substituting the word “off” rather than “wrong” as we explore this disturbance of our emotional sobriety using his worksheet and video.
If we can accept that we are a participant in our disturbances , how do we begin to understand our part in them ? In other words, what disturbs me is not just a result of the external event but also of my response and reaction to this event. Let’s remember this powerful insight from Victor Frankl from his classic book ‘Man In Search Of Meaning”:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Let’s also remember this relationship between our spiritual condition and the way we react to these external events. The AA October 9th Daily Reflection about dog barking is a poignant reminder of this insight.:
I never truly understood the Tenth Step’s spiritual axiom until I had the following experience. I was sitting in my bedroom, reading into the wee hours, when suddenly I heard my dogs barking in the back yard. My neighbors frown on this kind of disturbance so, with mixed feelings of anger and shame, as well as fear of my neighbors’ disapproval, I immediately called in my dogs. Several weeks later the exact situation repeated itself but this time, because I was feeling more at peace with myself, I was able to accept the situation—dogs will bark—and I calmly called in the dogs. Both incidents taught me that when a person experiences nearly identical events and reacts two different ways, then it is not the event which is of prime importance, but the person’s spiritual condition. Feelings come from inside,not from outward circumstances. When my spiritual condition is positive, I react positively.
One of the best ways I have found to discover ‘my part’ in what disturbs me is through a modern therapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS). This is further explained in the section of the website “Healing Our Jekyll/Hyde Divided Self”.
This approach embraces the idea that we are not all or nothing. That the language we speak of “a part of me wants XXX” and “another part of me wants YYY” is accurate. That within ourselves, we have many parts. You can .check out this article to go a bit deeper into the reality of our multiplicity which is not a pathology but a way of understanding ourselves. This understanding accepts that each of us can be thought of as an internal family of parts who needs the leadership of our True Innermost Self we come to experience in Step 2 and then decide moment to moment imperfectly to trust to direct our wills and our lives in Step 3. That an ‘unsuspected inner resource’ (BB Appendix 2 – Spiritual Experience) … the essence of who we are … can lead these parts and heal the wounds that so often motivate the character defects which seem to be directing and dominating our lives.
What follows is from a book entitled ‘Altogether You’ written by Jenna Riemersma. I love her way of helping us relate to our tor-mentors as we practice u-turns from our judgments of them to curiosities about us. – Bruce M.
Altogether You – Extract From Chapter 13 ‘Relating More Effectively”
One of IFS’s more transformational takeaways for me has been that when we understand parts—ours and others—we develop something like superpowers for relating more successfully to people. All people. Especially those that make us crazy. The IFS concept of the U-turn proposes that, when a situation or person is triggering for us, rather than looking at what they are doing wrong, we turn our attention around and notice the parts of us that are getting activated. Rather than exclaiming, “That person is driving me crazy!” we ask, “What is coming up in me?”
With this simple redirect, the difficult people in our lives suddenly become gifts, serving as our tor-mentors.
By tormenting us with those frustrating and annoying things they do, they serve as mentors for the parts of us that need healing.
Yeah. Okay. What exactly does that look like? How about an example that’s entirely fabricated? Or not. (I’ll let you decide.)
Let’s say Denise has a young, wounded exile part of her that is very, very uncomfortable with being loud or noticed in public. At all. She shrinks in terror from the thought. For whatever reason, she feels fear when attention is drawn to her in public spaces, and she has a protective firefighter part of her that works overtime to help her be small, quiet, and demur in just those contexts. Her husband, on the other hand, is a large and loud man. At six foot four, he is noticeable in any setting. Did I mention he is deaf in one ear? So, his already resonant basso profundo voice naturally amps up because he doesn’t know he’s being loud.
There you have their chronic marital conflict in a nutshell. They’ve fought about volume for years. It’s kind of funny. Except for her it’s so not.
But if instead of getting frustrated, Denise takes the invitation to view her husband as her tor-mentor, she can take a U-turn when he starts speaking loudly. Rather than focusing on him and all the things he is doing wrong (being loud, drawing attention), she can turn her attention back to herself—to her parts that are getting activated. The gift her beloved offers is the activation of her parts that need to be healed. She asks herself the driving U-Turn question: “What feelings are coming up in me right now?” and she immediately connects with the parts of her that are overly worried about judgment and criticism.
When she notices those parts and their need for healing, she has the option to give them access to her God Image, to be witnessed, and to be unburdened. So that she no longer cringes at matters of volume. And can be present with her loud and wonderful beloved.
In the book of Matthew, Jesus put it this way: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?”
Going Deeper: Taking a U-turn
Now how about you?
Who is that person in your life that drives you bananas?
It may be a politician, a neighbor, a boss, or a friend.
What do they do that makes you so upset?
How do you usually respond?
Does that change them in any way? Does it help the situation?
Now, instead of focusing on what they are doing wrong, redirect your attention toward yourself.
What feelings, thoughts, or beliefs are getting activated in you?
Can you ask this part or these parts of you what they need?
Perhaps your tor-mentor is repeatedly abusive and instead of staying frozen, your parts need to follow through with a boundary. Perhaps you have a critical part that needs unburdening. Just be curious and write down what you notice.
Wonderful! You have just identified what IFS calls a trailhead—an entry point in you to an area that needs healing. Notice how much more effective it is to direct our awareness to ourselves (which we can do something about) rather than focusing on someone or something else (over which we are powerless).
The U-turn can seriously transform our whole lives. All we have to do is ask, “What feelings are coming up in me?” With that inward look, we become better able to respond positively to difficult people.
Speak For, Not From
When our parts are blended and have taken over, we feel like we are the part. When our Angry part is up front, we feel angry, act angry, and speak angrily. We often think we are an angry person. The same goes for Sadness, Anxiety, Control, or any other part.
When the part is in control, we have to speak from it. We speak as though we are it. Of course, as with all things parts driven, when we speak from a part, we rarely accomplish what we desire.
When we are angry, for example, we usually want our pain seen and honored, and we want someone to make amends for the wrong they’ve done to us. The unfortunate thing is, if we are screaming at someone in rage, they are unlikely to see our pain; they are likely to develop their own pain and their own defended parts to protect them from our rage. All of which moves us further away from our goal of being seen and honored.
Hmm.
With a parts awareness, we have the ability to invite the Angry part to unblend and separate from us, and now we have the capacity to speak for it. This makes all the difference. If an Angry part is activated in me because I’ve had a boundary violated, being able to find my inner God Image as separate from the Angry part allows me to understand why I’m angry, to acknowledge the pain and hurt of the exiles behind the anger, and to speak that pain, hurt, and anger in a healthy way.
To speak for a part, we simply have to:
1. Realize a part is present. (That’s anytime we are feeling something other than the Eight Cs.)
The 8 C’s are qualities of our True Inmost Selves – what Jenna calls her God Image and what IFS simply calls the Self. These qualities are calm, confident, connected , curious , clarity , courageous, caring and compassionate – Bruce M
2. Invite the part to unblend so we have God Image access.
3. Invite the part to share what it feels and needs.
4. Acknowledge the part’s concerns and make sure we’ve understood correctly.
5. Ask permission to speak for—that means on behalf of—the part.
This process creates a shift in our energy. Body language, tone of voice, emotions, and facial expression all shift when parts unblend and we access our God Image. From this powerful core, we can speak for our parts and have a far greater chance of being heard.
When we speak for our parts, we typically say things like, “a part of me feels __________ and another part of me feels __________.” This simple tool then allows us to give voice to parts of us that may even hold conflicting opinions: “A part of me feels furious that you didn’t pick up Samantha from school today, and another part of me feels aware and understanding that you had that important meeting with your boss and lost track of time.” We have a much better chance of being truly and nondefensively heard, and our parts also calm down because they feel well represented.
Let’s return to Jane from and her betrayal trauma from discovering her husband, John, was addicted to porn and having affairs. She may be rightfully feeling anger, sorrow, and rejection (among many other things). If she speaks from her parts, she might say something like this:
What the h—is wrong with you? How could you do this to us? You son of a #$@! I never should have married you in the first place. George wanted to marry me, and he was a much better man than you. I should have married him. He never would have done this to his family. Get out, you filthy adulterer! You sicken me!
Now, you and I both know what she really wants is for John to see the depths of the pain his actions have caused her, to tell her that her feelings are completely valid, and that he deserves to hear how deeply she is wounded. She wants her husband to move toward her with deep remorse, regret, and brokenness. To assure her that she is his dearest love and that he was an idiot for betraying her. To tell her that he will do anything in the world to win her back, no matter how long it takes.
Right? Yep. For 99 percent of the betrayed spouses I work with, that’s what they want.
Notice however, that when Jane speaks from her anger and hurt, John is very likely to feel attacked, shamed, and unwanted. His defensive parts—rage, blame shifting, shutdown, withdrawing—are likely to go up. When she says those things, he is unlikely to be able to stay with his God Image and truly hear her pain and honor it. Instead, things are likely to dissolve into a shouting match or a silent war where both people feel unloved, unseen, uncared for, and abandoned.
Now, John’s actions have caused this problem for sure, and it is his responsibility to work on staying in his God Image to be able to honor the pain he has caused.
Absolutely.
However, Jane’s need to have her pain seen and honored recedes in intensity when she speaks for her pain and hurt rather than from it.
Notice how she might speak for those same hurt and angry parts:
John, I need to let you know that parts of me feel hurt, rejected, angry, betrayed, alone, and afraid about your porn use and affairs, because I have built my life and our marriage around the belief that we would be faithful to each other. And this causes me profoundly deep pain as I grieve that loss. Would you be willing to listen to my pain, seek counseling, and cut off the relationship with your affair partner? If you choose to, I will consider being able to remain in this relationship. If you choose not to, I will need to separate myself in order to honor my pain and my integrity.
Speaking for our parts honors our pain, underscores our integrity, honors the recipient of our words, and gives us the greatest likelihood of being heard.
…Knowing that a part is not the whole is also freeing as I relate to myself.
When I honor my multidimensionality, I am freed to acknowledge and honor all the parts of me, not just picking one as my identity. I get space to breathe as I relate to my God-given complexity. Just acknowledging that a particular part is not me but is a part of me that is trying to help goes a long way toward giving me better strategies for interacting with it.
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