Developing A New Way To Relate & Respond To Pain – Stephen Hayes

Do you feel stuck ? Are you constantly battling with your thoughts and the conflicting noises in your head? Think of this article and the related video as teaching us how to move from that rigidity of the quicksand of being stuck to find a flexible ‘way out’ that can move us in an entirely different direction. This talk gives us a great pragmatic way to apply the acronym u hear in the rooms for how to respond to fear by … Face Everything And Recover. Rather than judging and condemning our pain and fear as unwanted , we practice an acceptance, openness and curiousity about what it has to teach us that we need to learn as we move to our next step.

I love what he calls the pivot to face and ‘move toward’ not away from our pain and, in this movement, we discover meaning and purpose … again a pragmatic approach to another movement from being a ‘pain killer to a pain healer’. So much of what I perceive happens in AA is the phenomenon of wounded healers.

So much of our recovery is about learning how to respond differently to the realities of our lives … to wisely accommodate to life as it is. Perhaps this talk and article offer us another tool in this ‘design for living’ that can helps us apply the indispensable HOW of honesty, open mindedness and willingness to what seems so resistant to change (BB p.568) – Bruce M.

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Today, let’s start with a question…

Does it sometimes feel like you’re wrestling with your pain?

Maybe it feels like a tug-of-war with a big, ugly monster (whether you are dealing with depression, anxiety, physical pain, sorrowful memories, or some other negative situation).

It seems as though you can’t win.

The harder you pull, the harder the monster pulls back. Sometimes it may even feel as if there’s a bottomless pit between you and the monster and, if you lose, you’ll be pulled into the pit and completely destroyed.

So, you pull and pull. You try harder and harder.

You look for different ways to pull, better ways to pull, stronger ways to pull. You try digging in your heels for more leverage or you try strengthening your muscles.

You keep hoping that something will work.

Suppose, however, that you have a completely different job to do.

Perhaps it’s not your job to win this tug-of-war. Perhaps it’s your job to find a way to drop the rope.

The rule “If you don’t like something, get rid of it” works very well in the outside world.

However, the same rule applied to your internal world doesn’t work well at all.

You may have tried to get rid of psychological pain (anxiety/depression/worry) for a long time – but if you struggle with such things they tend to stick around.

In my TEDx Talk below I explain why this is.

More specifically, I talk about:

• Why trying to get rid of pain creates even more pain
• How I got my first panic attack (and how I learned to move forward with it)
• Why psychological flexibility is crucial to building a rich and meaningful life (especially if you’re struggling with anxiety, depression, or worry)
• Why embracing your pain is the kindest thing you can do for yourself

And much more.