When I was about 6 years old, I distinctly remember placing my sandwich order with my mom and specifically asking for the jelly to be on the bottom and peanut butter on the top. While I closely supervised her preparation, I was horrified to see she hadn’t followed my directions, not even a little, and had put the jelly on the top.
So I responded, much in the way I did throughout the next 40 years. I got really hot (I was too young to get sweaty at 6), pointed out the fatal sandwich flaw, and threw down by saying “I’m not eating that! It’s ruined…I told you how I wanted it!”
My mom, while not in AA, seemed to have been born with the “God is in the pause” chip, so she calmly looked at me, said “OK,” flipped the sandwich over and the world continued to spin. My mom was a genius.
I’ves always resonated with the idea that alcoholism is a disease of perception. Alcohol seemed to change the way I saw and felt things. I lived in righteous resentment, tried to write the show, direct the players, and star in it all at the same time, and it never seemed to go as planned. And a drink always seemed to be a great option to make those disappointing, angry, frustrating feelings disappear. At least until the next day, where they’d be waiting for me like a weird aunt who never knows when to leave.
I’ve learned in AA that if I just pay attention to my next right step, I won’t have a lot of time to analyze anyone else’s behavior or take the inventories of much of the world’s population. That frees up a lot of head space so I can be grateful and see all the good right in front of me. The universe has a plan if I just simply get out of the way.
The Steps of AA have changed my perception of the world. The relief I get that comes from letting go of puppet strings and focusing on my own side of the street now replaces any relief a drink (or let’s be honest…six drinks! ) gave me before. The Steps have also given me the understanding that there are many ways to look at a situation and to find the growth and positives in it. And honestly, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches taste the same with the jelly on the bottom or the top.