What Matters Most – Grapevine Article September 2021 By Kristin S.

Sometimes the results of our efforts to make amends take years. Sometimes they come after a lot of painful rejection. God’s timing is often mysterious, but it’s perfect.

My dad and I had a rocky relationship while I was drinking. He kicked me out and had very little to do with me near the end. But he did pick me up from detox and drive me to a rehab. 

While I was in rehab, my younger brother went into hospice care at home. The rehab people gave me a pass to be with my family and my dad let me come and stay a few days until my brother passed. After he passed, I returned to rehab. My dad never talked to me again. I think my brother’s passing made him terrified to have me in his life. He never knew when I was going to relapse and die. 

At about a year and a half sober, I tried to make amends to my dad. He told me to lose his number and that he didn’t want people like me in his life. At three years sober, I tried to make amends again and sent him a check. He sent it back. Soon after that, I reached out to let him know I was pregnant. During my pregnancy I sent him a card every month. He never wrote back. The moment my son was born, I sent him a digital photo announcing his birth. 

That was the first time he texted me back. Something had shifted. He even helped me navigate some aspects of my son’s care, as my son has special needs and so did my brother. We did all that communication by text. He has never met my son.       

I called my dad and left a voicemail the day after my son’s heart stopped for 35 minutes in the operating room. After the surgery, my son was in the intensive care unit in critical condition.  My dad, who was out of the country at the time, texted me back, but didn’t come to see my son. 

I have continued to write to him and to send him photos of his grandson. I sent him gifts on holidays and wrote cards to him, one from from my son and one from me. I invited him to his grandson’s birthday. He didn’t come to the birthday, but he sent gifts worth hundreds of dollars. That’s how he shows his love. 

Over the years, we have begun to text more. We even have something like normal conversations through texts. But he won’t answer my calls.

Then the other night something changed. He sent me a text in which he asked to see my son. We made plans to meet. My son is 18 months old, and he will meet his grandfather for the first time this week. I will see my dad for the first time in more than four years. 

I write all this to let you know that sobriety works. Sometimes the results of our efforts to make amends take years. Sometimes they come after a lot of painful rejection. Making amends takes consistency, direction from a sponsor and God’s grace. God’s timing is often mysterious, but it’s perfect.

In some ways, I’m glad that it has taken so long to rebuild a relationship with my dad, because over that time I have become a person that I’m proud for him to see. I’ve had 5 years to learn how to be a good daughter and a good example. I pray that he will see that. But this meeting with him is not about me. I’m going to step aside and allow my son to meet his grandpa. I will let them just have that. What matters most to me is that my son will have another family member to love him.