ONE AFTERNOON a few months ago, I found myself reviewing the story of AA co-founder Bill W.’s encounter with cosmic consciousness in Towns Hospital. I had come across a well-detailed account of the incident and had not proceeded far into it before I began to experience feelings of envy. After all, I reasoned, why shouldn’t I have my own “mountaintop” ecstasy? I longed to achieve the awareness Bill described, to discover for myself the essential unity of the created world.
I failed to realize at the time that my own negative attitudes had long prevented me from viewing the world and its activities in a consistently benevolent manner. By now, I am honest enough to admit that, even after the drinking stopped, instead of finding delight in the wholesome aspects of life, I had too often been captivated by the sufferings and drudgeries. Fascinated by the seamy side, I had singled out the appearances of injustice, overreacted to them, and often concluded in desperation, “What a hell of a mess the world is in! God, is it possible that You exist?”
Oh, there was something in it for me, or I wouldn’t have done it. But that sort of pursuit is the stuff dry drunks are made of–if, indeed, the recovering alcoholic is fortunate enough to stay off the sauce. But I attended meetings and worked the Steps; improvements set in; and on this particular afternoon, I was blessed with a comfortable outlook on life.
I found myself able to recall vividly the living hell of those last months of drinking and to see the contrast between the pleasant times I had been enjoying recently and the pain of those final encounters with John Barleycorn. After all, I had very nearly died and was now restored to good health, had lost nearly everything and was currently the recipient of all that was really necessary for a full life, had recovered my mental capacities to an amazing degree, and had experienced more sustained peace within than I had found in over thirty years of striving. Feelings of gratitude came easily that day. As I continued to reflect on these matters, an exciting insight occurred to me. It promised to be a real breakthrough, and I was noticeably quickened.
The insight was related to my intense enjoyment of music. You see, the sounds of an orchestra playing a symphony of Mozart, for example, can send me into orbit almost anytime I might hear them. I experience a marvelous high without booze. When I am under this spell, the inner harmonies and beauty of the sounds are readily apparent to me–overwhelmingly so! The reaction comes easily, I suppose, because I’ve studied music, worked at it, and listened to a lot of it. Yet to someone who is a bit tone-deaf or is uninitiated, the sounds of such an ensemble are perceived as irritating noises or even bedlam. I know this to be true, because people who feel that way have told me so. I have come to understand that my own positive response to music, affording me so much joy, is truly a perception of my own, a product of my inner attitudes and conditioning.
At this point, the meaning of the analogy I was developing became clear. I realized that my life and the lives of those around me do, in fact, form their own parts in a symphony of interaction. To see it right, I would probably have to include the entire universe within my view, but I was aware that my attitudes and the limitations of a finite mind prevent me from perceiving the spiritual design in it all–just as tone-deafness prevents the hearer from appreciating a symphony. The way I am put together, I am led astray by shallow considerations, trivial distractions, irrelevant observations.
Yet that day, I knew God was in His heaven and all was right with the world, because, on looking back over my own life, I could trace the influence of a Higher Power. Too many good and interrelated incidents had happened without even my cooperation. I was able to sort out the significant events of my life quite well with the aid of hindsight.
After a bit more reflection, I was forced to conclude that although my spiritual rebirth in AA had been a gradual awakening rather than a single ecstatic event, I had indeed been granted far more awareness of the action of a Higher Power in the world than I had previously admitted. How wonderful to be sober, to be able to think clearly (at times, at least), and to become aware of some portion of the greater wisdom concealed so deeply within myself.
And isn’t that what this program is really about? Acquiring transforming attitudes, gaining a more spiritual perception of life, and maintaining it so that we can live comfortably–even experience some highs without the artificial aid that is such a deadly poison to us. We gain through AA a new way of life–a new way of looking at life.
Some thoughts