I found I must turn to God as a child
FOR EIGHT years I was a loner in the program, using the Twelve Steps as the tools with which to build my life. In the beginning of my search for a conscious contact with God, I found it was impossible to approach Him still holding the concept I had had of Him as a child. After twenty-one years of drinking, after finding the program and taking the Third Step, here I was still at the stage of thinking of Him as a God of vengeance. But He was the same One who had somehow, and for some purpose, wanted me sober. The inconsistency had to be resolved.
I had been aware of His power for years, while I was racked by desert heat, or as I watched a sea crash and boil in fury on grim rocks, or saw violent storms torment the sky, or stood on mountaintops and felt the loneliness. I had cursed Him with greater fury each passing year of my drinking existence.
Now it was impossible to turn to Him with devoutness, love, trust. His power seemed too vast for such gentle feelings. But there was nothing gentle within me in those days, either. I turned to Him as–simply–someone I could talk to. At times I would be angry, so I would talk in anger to Him. At times I would be grateful, and I would (grudgingly) thank Him.
As time passed, I found I had to go to work and try to conquer myself, with my many defects of character. It was then I found I must turn to God as a child, and ask to be helped. And the more I asked, the more I was given. In time, I learned to trust Him; His power and His love became very real to me.
I want never to lose this newfound conscious contact with God. It’s the anchor which holds my ship of sobriety.
I find His will for me, not in desperate search for spectacular accomplishment, but in the things which come my way to do each day.
In AA’s Eleventh Step I find that I build today the road I travel tomorrow.