In AA meetings all over the world, he hears the language of the heart
I’ve worked as a tech support specialist for my employer since 1993. Traveling the world for work allowed me to drink with impunity. I was a blackout drinker and due to some incidents that had occurred during blackouts at home, I was not able to drink at my house anymore. So I jumped at any chance I could to be away.
I rarely saw the sights of a state or country except when the sight-seeing excursion had drinking as part of their package. Being invited to see majestic mountains, beautiful lakes, rivers and cultural sights took too much time away from drinking. I would turn down invites to a co-worker’s home because I felt it would be boring because I couldn’t drink the way I wanted. After years of this, the invites stopped. I was happy to drink with strangers who drank like me. I’d go to street parties or for drinks at the various types of bars I found in the city but usually even strangers got tired of my obnoxious behavior and would either avoid me or I’d get kicked out of the establishment. Every trip ended the same. I’d come home broke, in trouble, hungover and full of regret, shame, guilt and fear.
Like a lot of folks who I’ve seen come into the rooms, I was definitely not on a winning streak. I finally came to the rooms of AA in 2013 at the age of 53 because I was trying to get out of trouble due to my second DUI. Schemer and original thinker that I am, I figured if I went before the judge and stated I was going to AA they would see I was really trying to change and go easy on me. My trial was several months away and I thought that if I stayed that long in AA it would really look good.
I walked into my first meeting not knowing what to expect and the lady at the front of the room asked if this was the first time in a meeting. I told her it was and she said: ‘Welcome home, you’re not alone anymore.” I suddenly felt chills run through me and my stomach rolled like I was on a roller coaster. My thoughts went from skepticism to a willingness to find out more. During the meeting, I looked down at the table the whole time, but I couldn’t help but hear words that not only touched my ears but words that touched my heart.
That started my journey into sobriety. The more I became willing to listen and then take action on what I was learning the more I began to change.
In December 2013 I had to make a trip to Sweden. It was around Christmas time and it would be my first Christmas season not only without drinking but on the road. Naturally, I was nervous about having a relapse. I made contact with AA in Sweden and asked about meetings and they gave me the addresses of one within walking distance to the little hotel where I was staying. I asked at the front desk for directions and they gave me a map and marked my route. It was only supposed to take 30 minutes, but because I was new to the area the meeting was already in progress when I found the place, walked down the stairs and quietly cracked the door open. I looked inside but I wasn’t sure I was in the right place. The lights were out and there were five men all laying with their heads back and eyes closed sitting on couches surrounding a table with several candles burning. There were several chairs set up around the walls. One of the men lifted his head. Without stepping into the room, I just whispered ‘AA?’ He nodded and pointed to the chairs on the wall and rested his head back.
I sat down and watched for a few minutes and then closed my eyes while I waited. It seemed like forever. Suddenly the lights came on and they looked over at me and one of them asked me my name, in Swedish, and when I shook my head, he then asked in English. I told them: “My name is Bruce and I’m an alcoholic.” The man stated they were about to start the meeting and asked if I would like them to speak English—they could speak some, he said, but not a lot. I told them it was fine with me that they spoke Swedish and I was just there to listen. As they went around the room sharing, I closed my eyes and just started listening. I couldn’t make any sense out of what was mostly said but what I heard, though was foreign to my ears, somehow touched my heart—in particular, one man who, I surmised, was talking about his struggle not to drink over the holidays.
When the meeting was over, I got a cup of coffee and we all talked together as best we could. I asked about what was going on in the meeting when I arrived, and they explained that the meeting format was part meditation, part sharing. I then asked about what the last man had shared. They told me what my heart somehow already knew: the man was struggling with being sober on the holidays. I told them that this was my first Christmas being sober and that being away from home was usually when I drank and that I, too, was struggling with the fear of drinking. They offered numbers and said to call anytime. I then recalled what I was told when I first came to the rooms. “Welcome home, you’re not alone anymore.” Here was a man, just like me, halfway around the world, and speaking exactly what was in my heart.
I still travel but now I experience the many wonders of the world I had missed before getting sober. I’ve been to the Aztec pyramids, botanical gardens, and have stood in awe of the architecture of churches and historical buildings and many other cultural and historical sites. I never fail to be impressed by the gratitude I see in people who may have next to nothing but are sober and are willing to give their experience, strength, hope and love.
The family of AA is everywhere. In some meetings they speak English and in some they don’t, but I will always hear what I need to hear when I am willing and open to the language of the heart.