It was a lot easier than blaming myself
Okay, resentments. It’s not because I’m in prison. It’s not my family, who can have a few drinks and quit just like that. It’s not even about my wife and children not writing me as much as I’d like them to. I want to make my amends and change my behavior.
Eight years ago, I was filled with anger, jealousy, and bitterness about all the people and places above and everything else as well. Now I see that those resentments weren’t about them at all. They were rooted in God as I understood him.
I’ve always believed in God. Understanding God was the problem. When I was a child, God as I understood him was a God of vengeance and punishment–unforgiving, unloving, and judgmental. As a kid, I knew that no matter how good I was, I was still going to burn in hell. So when I came to Step Three, I struggled. At AA meetings, I listened to this loving, caring, forgiving God everyone else had found, and I just couldn’t relate.
God as I understood him let my father abandon Mom, Sis, and me. God as I understood him moved us from place to place, school to school, and left me friendless and alone. God as I understood him wouldn’t let my mom go to church because she was divorced. God as I understood him gave me abusive step-parents and an abusive father. As I got older, God as I understood him let me search for drugs in the worst part of the city, into the wee hours of the night. God as I understood him kept me in a dead-end job. God as I understood him wouldn’t let me find a good woman. The list goes on and on. I was too afraid to admit my resentments toward God to myself, anyone else, or God. You can’t be mad at God. It’s wrong, it’s blasphemy. So I stuffed my anger, ran, and hid from these resentments. How could I turn my will and my life over to all this? I believed that I was destined to stay in this inner hell I had made for myself.
Back to Step Three. My sponsor at the time asked if I believed in God. I quickly answered that I was a Christian. It seemed like a good answer; people would just leave me alone. I surely couldn’t tell anyone I had resentment against God. My sponsor suggested that I get on my knees and pray in the morning when I woke up and in the evening before I went to sleep. I was desperate and could only dream of the inner peace, spirituality, and serenity I witnessed in the Fellowship. So I went for it. I prayed as best I could at the time. Nothing happened. After a few months, I had no gratitude for God’s gifts. I began feeling frustrated, and my resentments grew stronger. It just wasn’t working.
One night, as I was on my knees, trying to pray nice prayers and going through the motions, I felt a light brush against my side. My eyes were closed and my heart began racing as my fears overwhelmed me. This is it, I thought. I truly am unworthy, and tonight I will be condemned to hell. I gained enough courage to open my eyes and look down. Tears of joy began to run down my cheeks. My four-year-old daughter was kneeling next to me, her tiny hands together in prayer. She was smiling, and her eyes, so beautiful, were looking up at me. God had sent me an angel. I saw God’s awesome love, and the miracles of God’s grace and mercy. Through my daughter’s eyes, there was God–loving, caring, forgiving. Filled with faith and hope, I became childlike, filled with the spirit. I became free. I finally believed God is in us all. God works through every one of us. God is even in me.
God never put me in the dope house. God never gave me a lousy job. God gave me good jobs, but I was always too drunk to have a chance to move up. God even let me meet my wife at work. My problem was I didn’t want to take responsibility; I didn’t want to hold myself accountable. It was a lot easier to blame God and everyone else. But the truth is I made a lot of bad choices. I now believe there is such a thing as free will.
Nothing happens overnight for me. I still have serious issues with religion. But even though I said I’d never set foot in a church, I go to church every week. I have for quite a few years now. I need to learn more about God as I understand him. I need to erase all those old tapes from childhood, alcoholism, and addiction.
AA teaches that if I need professional help, I should seek it. I’ve shared with clergy, therapists, and counselors about these old resentments. Everyone has been a big help. I’ve learned to be thankful and give God as I understand him all honor, praise, and glory. I’ve learned that it’s not about me. I love attending retreats through twelve-step programs and religious organizations.
Do I still have some resentments against religion? Yeah, sometimes. I’m learning. I’m not so quick to judge. Religion gives me spirituality and inner freedom. AA also gives me spirituality, inner freedom, and serenity. AA has saved my life.