After years of trying, he never could mend the past with his brother. But now he can make a difference
When I was three years sober, I attended a meeting where we discussed the topic, the amend you haven’t made.
There it was, staring me in the face, and I really didn’t want to be called on to speak. Clarence, the oldtimer discussion leader and a personal mentor of mine, called on me and I had to “come clean.” You see, I had never made amends to my brother. And to make matters worse, I was traveling to the Boston area in two weeks to attend a family event and I was staying at my brother’s home.
As I finished sharing, Clarence commented that we would all be interested in hearing how it went when I got back in two weeks.
When I got to my brother’s home in a suburb of Boston, I avoided any serious discussion with him for two days. By Saturday, I was feeling squirrelly, and I knew I needed to deal with it.
On Saturday, my brother drove us to the family event, which was about an hour away. I thought an hour would be plenty of time to talk to him about my part in our damaged relationship.
On the ride home, I laid it all out and asked him how I could “right my wrongs.” He listened attentively and when I was finished he pulled the car over to the side of the road. He proceeded to list all of the things he believed I had done that I had left out. After he was done, he told me it would be a long time, if ever, before I could “right my wrongs” or stand a chance of being forgiven.
It was not my brightest day in sobriety. I spent the next 25 years trying to right that ship. I did everything I knew how to do, with the help of my sponsor and family members. I’m sorry to say that despite my efforts, my brother and I never did resolve our differences.
Now, here’s the rest of the story. My brother had two sons. When he died, the oldest boy had just entered college and the youngest was still in high school. My sister-in-law came to me right before his funeral and asked me to put aside the past and please be part of the boys’ lives. She had seen the changes in me over the years and she thought they would benefit from having a relationship with me, their Uncle Harold.
When the oldest son graduated from college, I was at the party celebrating the graduates and his girlfriend’s mother came up and introduced herself to me. She told me my nephew had assured her none of this would have been possible without his Uncle Harold. A few years later he and that girlfriend asked me to speak at their wedding.
And the story goes on. That younger nephew graduated from college last spring. With all the pandemic events and circumstances taking place then, it was obvious I would not be able to attend. He assured me that no matter how or when he was handed that diploma, he would be thinking that Uncle Harold made this possible.
Both of those instances gave me true joy. They also provided me with a valuable lesson. We just never know how the result of our amends or our right actions will manifest in our lives.