When he stopped working the Steps, he was an
AFTER FOURTEEN and a half years of sobriety, I found myself in an all too familiar place: tired of living, bored with AA meetings, full of self-pity, and wondering, “Is this all there is?”
I had been very active in AA in the early years–secretary, chairman of conferences, H&I (hospital and institution) work, forming the local intergroup–but as time went on, I began to step aside for the purpose of allowing others to participate. I became an elder statesman without a country. Nobody seemed to want what I had, including me. I developed other interests with AAs who were of my stature and seniority, and let the young ones go, even though they weren’t doing it right. “They’ll learn in time.”
My attendance at AA became a duty I performed for my own survival and also to help guide others. The experience of sharing, I apparently lost. I would walk out after many meetings feeling I had gotten nothing out of them and hadn’t really helped anybody, either. I wasn’t needed anymore. It was a waste of time, but I continued going. What I heard in AA irritated me. I became very judgmental about everybody and everything, and was distressed at where AA was going; but there was nothing I could do about it.
I had done the Steps and more or less continued to observe them. I was very good at telling others to practice them in all their affairs and to get sponsors. But I had been through it, and what AA person could tell me anything I didn’t already know? . . . Sound familiar?
I hit a particularly low period a year ago. Having no sponsor, I decided it was time to do something and asked a man to be my sponsor. He said he would if I was willing to start over with Step One, come once a week, and discuss the Steps in succession with him. If I had to, I had to. Each week, we read together from the “Twelve and Twelve.” Between sessions, I studied the next Step three or four times, so I could show how intelligent I was. In doing the Steps with another person, I found there were many things I hadn’t discovered in my attempts to read them by myself. Even the Step study meetings hadn’t provided the understanding and appreciation for the program I now have.
Shortly after obtaining a sponsor, I heard a conference speaker outline much the same predicament for himself that I had fallen into: confusing activity with action. After hearing him, I came back home resolved to follow all the instructions in the Big Book and the “Twelve and Twelve” with the help of my sponsor.
In the six months since then, five people–varying in AA “age” from one month to seven years–have approached me to sponsor them; previous to this, none had. I gave them the same answer I was given: “I will if you are willing to come once a week and read and study the Steps.” They all agreed. How it turns out is in God’s hands, but they seem to be doing well and are enthusiastic about our work on the Steps. One of them had never stayed sober more than two months in the two years he had been around AA; and he now has five months.
Many people had told me that once you’ve done the first nine Steps, the only continuing work you need is on Ten, Eleven, and Twelve. I believed that. But when my life began to come apart, I decided that maybe I had better quit making decisions for myself as to what I needed, and ask for help.
We have started a Step study meeting, not to replace doing the Steps with a sponsor, but to encourage it. We have attracted a number of people, from newcomers to old-timers. All of them are crying out for help, as I was, and seem encouraged that there is an answer.
I know now that there is always the danger of falling into my old ways. There is so much to be discovered through the Steps that no matter how often I read them in working with somebody else, I keep discovering something new. AA has become exciting again, as it was earlier in my sobriety. Meetings have become a place for me to listen and contribute when called upon. And the newcomers seem to have grown a great deal!