He wanted to die because nothing could be worse than the life he was living. But the cop who arrested him had other ideas
This particular run has lasted about four and a half years since I picked up that first drink. I had left AA after 11 months of clean time knowing it could only get worse, knowing that I might not make it back, but unwilling to buy into the First Step and admit I was truly an alcoholic. I took that first drink and that drink took me. Four and a half years later, I had a moment of clarity. I came to realize the truth of what I had become and I didn’t like it. I cursed God while atanding in the middle of the street, blaming him for everything I had become—when the truth is I had a different god at the time. But my real God never left me; he carried me through the storm; I believe that.
By January 25, 2015, I was at the very end of my rope, wanting to die because I believed death was a better option then the life I was living. Nothing would help me, I had a son who was four months old and that wouldn’t stop me from drinking. My friends tried to have an intervention, which had little to no effect, nor did my mom crying to me that she wanted her son back. Something had to happen for me to realize what I was and let God in. I needed that soul’s recognition of God working through another alcoholic.
I was home alone with my kids after fighting with my father and brother and just pushing everyone away. I was frankly crazy out of my mind. I gave my son a bottle and went into the dining room and collapsed from this disease and was all but at the gates of hell. The cops knocked on my door and my four-year-old stepson happened to answer, scared, not knowing what was happening. They took me to the hospital and at the hospital, the arresting officer revealed to me that he was in the program and eight and a half sober. He texted me a picture of me dead on the floor and said: “if you want help when you get out of jail, text this number.”
I told him that I wanted what he had, not knowing what I was talking about. I don’t remember much from the night but talking to the arresting officer, who is my sponsor and brother today. We shared a spiritual experience together and God worked through him to save my life. Day four after being released from jail I had a decision to make: I could drink or I could text the arresting officer. I did not know his name, what he looked like or where he was from and I was sick as a dog from drinking. But I decided to text this cop and he answered and said: “I remember you, Joseph.” He sent me the address of a meeting, where he said I could meet him at 7:30 that night. I got to the meeting and when I walked in, someone said: “You’re the miracle, keep coming back.”
On Day 16 I was sitting in a meeting and the obsession came on, I couldn’t hear a thing anyone was saying because my head was telling me how to get what I wanted. I raised my hand to share on it and it was break time. I tried to call my sponsor and he did not answer. I decided I was to drink, but for some reason, I did not go. Instead, I went back in the meeting and got my hand up and shared that I wanted to drink. After I shared, someone else said” “These rooms are here to save your life. This isn’t a fashion show—this is life or death.”
That clicked in my head, but the obsession did not go right away. The next day I was walking home crying. I went to parents home and just cried my eyes out. Then I hit my knees praying out to God to help me. I said: “I can’t do this anymore!” Over and over for about 20 minutes, and after that, the obsession went away. Today I love AA. I surround myself with people from the program all the time.
I came into AA broken and confused and got so much more. I am an accountant and I have gotten my career back after being unemployed for almost two years. I am a father to my son. I take him everywhere and last month celebrated his first birthday. I thank AA and God because God has done for me what I could not do for myself and I don’t ever want to forget that. I lost a lot, most importantly myself, but today nothing justifies a drink for this drunk.