A decision is an excellent place to start, but it’s only a start. Even the strongest decision to change is not enough to get the job done.
A few months ago, I came to the decision that I wanted to learn how to play the harmonica (God knows why). My decision was — and still is — real; I do want to learn to play the harmonica. But these many months after making my decision, I have not even touched a harmonica; and if you handed me one, I would not be able to make music with it . . . because my decision has not taught me to play. I am reminded of how many times I decided to quit drinking, only to continue. We mistakenly believe that when we fall short of achieving a goal, our decision must be lacking in strength. We say, “I must not want it bad enough.” This implies that if we want something “bad enough,” it will magically — or at least easily — be ours. We fail to recognize that making a solid decision is only the beginning, and if we do not consciously decide how to follow that decision with specific action, the results (aka: the lack of results) are predictable. In other words, a decision cannot teach you to play the harmonica.
A specific plan for change will include certain components: Action, Support, and Success. This is a memorable acronym: A.S.S. (If I am serious about change, I have to get my A.S.S. in gear.)
Action. I cannot count the number of times in my life (so far) that I have been dissatisfied with something and genuinely wanted change but did not take the practical steps necessary to bring the desired change to fruition. If you are not taking responsible action to instigate the change you want, do not expect results.
Support. As a recovering alcoholic, I have learned something that I believe is a universal human truth: I cannot achieve and maintain my progress entirely on my own. The good news is that I don’t have to. Sure, there are stretches of the journey that we all must walk solo, but most of the time we will need support. Keep in mind that, contrary to popular opinion, knowing when, how, and to whom to reach for support is strength, not weakness.
Success. Sometimes, succeeding at change is the biggest challenge of all. As strange as it sounds, you must become willing to learn how to let yourself succeed. This is done by letting go of perfectionistic beliefs that success comes all at once as a complete package and establishing a daily practice of giving yourself credit for “baby steps” in the right direction. Success is built, not instantly created.
The next time you are feeling discouraged about a cognitive or behavioral change you desire, check your A.S.S. to see where you might be having problems.
Note – Thom Rutledge partners with Allen Berger on their Emotional Sobriety podcasts. Thom has long term sobriety and is also a psychotherapist and author. You can learn more about Thom from his website. – Bruce M.