After years of being dry, a woman in Texas discovers a new hope and freedom by diving back into the Steps
This past December I decided to visit one of my favorite recovery clubhouses to commemorate 28 years of sobriety. It had been a long time since I was in an AA meeting and even longer since I had worked the Steps with a sponsor. I had done the Steps several times with many sponsors a long time ago. I had been a dry drunk for quite a while.
I originally came into the rooms in 1988, and I stayed sober for almost seven years, in part for my sister, who was also in recovery. During that time, I experienced much chaos in my life, mostly due to my own actions, but I didn’t see that at the time. When I finally came back to AA in 1995 I had relapsed three times. I had gotten married and divorced in sobriety, dealt with depression, PTSD, anxiety, bipolar disorder, nightmares and flashbacks. I was in counseling, but during those years I held many jobs, had abusive bosses and relationships, lost pets, homes and cars. I also won awards for volunteering and writing, all while I faced childhood trauma issues such as my mom’s alcoholism. Oh, and I had a child.
But as I sat in this meeting chair last December, I simply felt numb. I looked over and saw a blonde woman a few years older than me with a smile on her face and a peace about her that I wanted. Our eyes met and she said hello. I told her I was celebrating my sober birthday and was looking for a new sponsor. She gave me her number. For the first time in a long time, I felt hope.
I’ve made more progress with her in the last nine months than I have with any sponsor I had before. I thought I had worked the Steps many times, but the truth was, never thoroughly. Not like this. This woman got sober in 1987 and never relapsed, but we had so much in common and I wanted what she had. She taught me that I was powerless over my mom, who had been in active addiction since her 30s and was now in her 80s. Of course I knew that intellectually, but this woman helped me get things from my head to my heart.
I realized deep down that hope is the principle of Step Two. She had me text her five things I was grateful for at the end of each day, and she taught me that if I needed to say the Serenity Prayer up to 20 times a day, then so be it. It seemed like every minute I was having to voice the prayer.
At first I struggled with staying in today—or even in AA. But now I’m here. I started sharing in meetings at least three times a week at my sponsor’s suggestion, and I kept my words on topic. I began taking two phone numbers from different ladies in the group and checked on them daily. I began praying for people in meetings who irritated me. I learned to not create more damage in my life and discovered that feeling guilty or ashamed is a choice. My sponsor helped me see that I could tell the committee in my head to take a break as often as needed.
I had homework for the First and Second Steps and wrote down the things I identified with. I began to learn the principles and soon started reading “We Agnostics” in the Big Book daily, also writing down those things I identified with.
Doing the Tenth Step nightly became routine, followed by asking my Higher Power for forgiveness, something I’d never done. I had to practice being honest and asking for a power greater than myself to help me sleep peacefully at night since I had suffered from nightmares since childhood. As I’m a person with a quick temper, my sponsor taught me that the next time I start to “go off,” to pause then tell her if I was able to allow the anger to pass.
These last nine months have been a true miracle. I have felt like a newcomer all year—in a good way now. I started making amends last month, and I’m starting to feel a certain freedom I’ve never felt before. I really look forward to being able to pass along what I’ve learned, which cannot adequately be captured in a couple of pages, but believe me when I say doing the Steps again has been transforming.