This article does a very good job of helping us understand the possibility of healing the inner voice you may hear which seems unrelenting in its criticisms and condemnations … what many call your inner critic. The section of the website entitled ‘Healing Our Jekyll/Hyde Divided Self’ begins to explore this area and help us understand how much of our addiction is fueled by this internal battle between parts of ourselves that don’t seem to get along. I’ve linked an article that suggest that our spiritual journey in recovery can help us find an ‘unsuspected inner resource’ that can give us the love, acceptance and belonging to fill the ‘hole’ which so often results from this internal conflict. This article is also useful in how best to respond to the ‘toxic shame’ that believes we are ‘not good enough’ and unworthy. – Bruce M
Your inner critic started out playing the role of your biggest inner cheerleader. They were the ones encouraging you to play play play, create create create.
But somewhere along the line they got the idea it wasn’t safe to play that role anymore— and, I mean, they weren’t wrong.
Growing up, your inner critic collected valid data from your parents and the media and the kids at school that it’s not safe to be who you really are.
As much as they wanted to play, your inner critic is more inclined to keep you safe. So they started mimicking the media, your parents, the kids at school. Taking on the worst in mommy’s and daddy’s voice, on repeat in your mind.
They’re not doing this to mess with you. In their eyes, your inner critic is trying to make sure you behave in a way that is going to keep you safe.
Your inner critic says, “If I can make it feel so debilitating to be your most powerful self in the inner world then you won’t have a chance to embody it in the outer world, which means you won’t be criticized or in danger like we were back then.”
Your inner critic also says, “Nobody is harder on me than me. Nobody will say worse stuff about me than I already say to myself. This is how I keep myself safe.”
What your inner critic doesn’t understand, though, is that your “safe” self is a prison.
You can’t ever “get rid” of your inner critic.
You’re stuck with all your parts. Parts can’t “go away.”
What you can do, though, is help your inner critic feel safe enough to return to their natural role as your inner cheerleader. This happens naturally the more love you let in.
The most powerful way to hold the conversation with your inner critic is not as its enemy, but as a more powerful inner leader (i.e unsuspected inner resource) than your inner critic claims to be.
If you’re going to establish yourself as a more powerful inner leader than your critic, you’ve got to come into a higher level of awareness than your inner critic operates at.
Your inner critic is the traumatized part of you that has taken on the role of keeping the most vulnerable parts of you hidden.
The best way to keep your vulnerability hidden is by criticizing you any time you feel vulnerable.
Which is unfortunate because your vulnerability will always be your chariot to the life you really want to be living.
Growth will always feel vulnerable. Same with uncertainty, letting go, falling in love, moving on.
Your next level is always going to be found through a) receiving the love you don’t believe you are worthy of and b) taking the action you don’t believe you’re worthy of taking. There is nothing more vulnerable than those two things.
So of course your inner critic is “protecting” you against both.
Your inner critic is like, “It’s great that you want to be happier and all but the stakes of you being seen for who you really are is way too high for me to let up.”
First thing you gotta do if you want to soften your inner critic is thank them for working so hard to protect you. Their outcome/behavior might not always be helpful, but their intention is to try to protect you in the only way they know how.
Underneath your inner critic is your inner child.
Your inner children, really. Including your inner teenagers.
And these parts been through some stuff, right? They are still holding on to the shame of past mistakes or abuse. Carrying the belief that who they are at their core is the most terrible combination of not enough and too much.
They don’t know they can be themselves and be loved at the same time.
Your inner critic doesn’t know this, either.
Which is where you come in.
You’re going to prove yourself to be a more powerful inner leader when you learn to treat the worst in you better than your parents did. Better than the kids at school did. Better than capitalism and racism and patriarchy does.
Your journey to softening your inner critic requires you to look the worst of you in the face and say, “I love you, too.”
Or at the very least, “I want to get to know you more.”
Turns out the more you get to know the worst parts of you, you start to realize they were only ever trying to meet a need for you—they just didn’t know how else to do it.
They don’t need to be criticized. They need to be parented. They need you to see the good in them despite their behavior.
How did they need to be talked to when they made mistakes as a kid? What did your parents need to say that would have brought the best out in them?
That’s how you need to be talking to yourself every time you make a mistake now.
As an inner leader, it’s your job to fill in the gaps of love your upbringing left.
I’m not going to lie, softening your inner critic is a journey and a half.
Your inner critic will start to soften when they realize you are doing a better job at managing your vulnerability than they are. When they realize that loving the parts of you that have made mistakes actually leads to less mistakes, not more. Which just takes time, data, and a whole lot of courage.
It takes time and practice to cut through a lifetime of momentum of habitually treating your most vulnerable parts in the way your parents taught you to.
Your entire experience of life will change when you make a habit of talking to yourself in a way that brings out the best in you, though.
As I’m writing this, I’m checking in with my own inner critic who, back in high school had me self-harming and close to suicide.
I asked her if there is anything she wants to say.
“Mostly just…we have come so far, haven’t we Jordin? Thank you for teaching me how to love. It’s way better. Being mean is exhausting and keeps us stuck. Thank you for showing me the way out. I had no idea how good it could feel to be alive. I’m feeling freer and freer every day.”
I know it’s crazy to think about, but you don’t have to live under the thumb of your inner critic for the rest of your life. Think about what your life would be like if the power of your inner critic was channeled into your inner cheerleader…there is no stopping you at that point.
This is the power of parts work.