I believe a fundamental of my recovery is coming to see and relate differently to my pain. I love the phrase from ‘pain killer to pain healer” as a way of describing this new relationship I can experience using the steps to see and respond differently to my pain.
Much of my alcoholism has its origin in trying to numb or kill pain and much of my recovery is learning how to accept it, see what it has to teach me , and where possible heal it with the help of a Power greater than myself.
The long version of the Serenity Prayer includes the verse ‘accepting hardship as the pathway to peace’. Step Ten in the Twelve & Twelve (p.93) describes pain as ‘the touchstone of spiritual progress’ . In Bill W’s classic 1962 Grapevine article , ‘What Is Acceptance’ he again reinforces his belief that ‘pain is the touchstone of spiritual progress’.
A touchstone is a word that means “the criterion that determines the quality or genuineness of a thing.” You know that something is right, genuine, or quality by a standard, a touchstone. Facing the reality of the dis-ease of my pain and practicing spiritual principles as I encounter this pain seems to be very much at the core of the ‘profound alteration in our reaction to life’ (BB Appendix 2). The Big Book also suggests “our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.”(BB p.64).
Dr. Gabor Matte author of the best selling book “In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts – Close Encounters With Addiction” expresses it this way “Addiction originates in a human being’s desperate attempt to solve a problem: the problem of emotional pain, of overwhelming stress, of lost connection, of loss of control, of a deep discomfort with the self. In short, it is a forlorn attempt to solve the problem of human pain. Hence my mantra: “The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.”
So, we need help on our journey to face the reality of pain in our lives. I found this reflection by the outstanding poet and author David Whyte in his book Consolations very powerful in reframing pain and I thought it might be useful to you. He seems to be clear that pain can be a ‘way in’ to humility , real compassion , profound gratitude and even laughter … so maybe today , right now , is a good time to face it – Bruce M.
Pain from ‘Consolations’ by David Whyte
PAIN is the doorway to the here and now. Physical or emotional pain is an ultimate form of ground, saying, to each of us, in effect, there is no other place than this place, no other body than this body, no other limb or joint or pang or sharpness or heartbreak but this searing presence. Pain asks us to heal by focusing not only on the place the pain is felt but also the actual way the pain is felt. Pain is a form of alertness and particularity; pain is a way in.
Through the radical undoing and debilitation of repeated pain we are reacquainted with the essentialities of place and time and existence itself; in deep pain we have energy only for what we can do wholeheartedly, and then only within a narrow range of motion, metaphorically or physically, from tying our shoelace to holding the essential core conversations that are reciprocal and reinforcing within the close-in circle of those we love.
Pain teaches us a fine economy, in movement, in the heart’s affections, in what we ask of ourselves, and eventually in what we ask in others.
Pain’s beautiful humiliations make us naturally humble and force us to put aside the guise of pretence. In real pain we have no other choice but to learn to ask for help, and on a daily basis. Pain tells us we belong and cannot live forever alone or in isolation. Pain makes us understand reciprocation. In real pain we often have nothing to give back other than our own gratitude, a smile that perhaps looks half like a grimace or the passing friendship of the thankful moment to a helpful stranger, and pain can be an introduction to real friendship, it tests those friends we think we already have, but also introduces us to those who newly and surprisingly come to our aid.
Pain is the first proper step to real compassion; it can be a foundation for understanding all those who struggle with their existence. Experiencing real pain ourselves, our moral superiority comes to an end; we stop urging others to get with the programme, to get their act together or to sharpen up, and start to look for the particular form of debilitation, visible or invisible, that every person struggles to overcome. In pain, we suddenly find our understanding and compassion engaged as to why others may find it hard to fully participate.
Strangely, the narrow focus that is the central, difficult invitation of bodily pain, calls for a greater perspective, for a bigger, more generous sense of humour. With the grand perspective, real pain is never far from real laughter-at our self or for another watching that self-laughter at our predicament or the absurdity of our daily experience. Pain makes drama of an everyday life, with our body and our presence firmly caught on stage and in the spotlight, we are visible to others in a way over which we have no choice, limping here or leaning there.
Lastly, pain is reluctant but unavoidable appreciation; appreciation most of all for the simple possibility of a pain-free life-all the rest is a miraculous bonus. Others do not know the gift in simply being healthy, of being unconsciously free to move or walk or run. Pain is a lonely road, no one can know the measure of our particular agonies, but through a deeply felt hurt we have the possibility, just the possibility, of coming to know others as we have, with so much difficulty, and so much suffering, and so much pain, come to know ourselves.