Step Four
I remember feeling afraid as a kid and thinking that I was a coward–that the mere presence of fear in my life made me a coward. I did not know that one of the definitions of courage was the ability to do the right thing in spite of fear. One particular word in the Fourth Step that I had difficulty with, therefore, was the word “fearless.” “Fearless” does not necessarily imply the absence of fear. Fearless means “with courage.”
What stops many of us from doing the Fourth Step is fear and pride, and that is certainly what stopped me. In addition, I wanted to be sure I did it perfectly. I didn’t know that perfectionism is a character defect; it is in itself an imperfection.
I believe that if I had not tackled the inventory when I did, the guilt could very likely have killed me; and it wouldn’t have been God who was punishing me either. I would have done the job myself. We are not punished for our sins, we are punished by our sins.
In looking over the inventory with the aid of my sponsor I saw that I had uncovered a lot of fear and resentment. I believe that resentment destroys cells within my body. I learned in a biology class that body cells are constantly dying off and being replenished. What the class did not teach was that under negative conditions such as fear, anger, jealousy, hatred, and resentment the cells die at a much more rapid rate than when we are feeling love.
My Fourth Step also showed me that I had an acid tongue–committing murder by character assassination. In my recovery I am sometimes able to pause before speaking long enough to ask three questions: “Is it true?” “Is it kind?” “Is it necessary?” I could reduce all three to one question: “Before I say it–would I want it said to me?”
Prior to the Steps I had isolated myself from God and man. People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
Many, many times while jogging I have repeated over and over, “I am beautiful, capable, and lovable.” I needed this repetition in order to improve my self-image.
We cannot adequately live in the present, or effectively face the future, if our thoughts are buried in the past.