These AAs joined Al-Anon and learned to detach with love
My wife –I’ll call her Elayne–and I are both alcoholics recovering in the lifesaving program of AA. We’ve been off the sauce and off all pills, too, for over six years now. Each of us has been serious about the Steps and at times has become complacent in feeling prepared to deal with nearly any crisis.
A couple of years ago, we observed that some of our friends had entered into religious affiliations and others had joined Al-Anon groups in addition to their regular AA participation. We wondered about it. Without much serious thought, we ruled these activities out. On my part, I thought of Al-Anon’s program as “watered down” AA, and my wife’s attitude may be epitomized by her resentful remark that “those Al-Anons can drink and have the program, too.” But there came a time when my attitude changed radically, and I thanked God for Al-Anon–we both did.
The crisis occurred after Elayne and I had been married for more than four years. Up to this time, although our lives together had not always gone smoothly, we believed we had a reasonably happy and certainly a stable marriage. Then suddenly, in a matter of days, the emotional climate in our home deteriorated rapidly; the moments we spent together there became very uncomfortable and threatening. Arguments began so easily, we feared speaking to one another.
Elayne was accustomed to expressing her anger in outbursts–letting it out–whereas, from childhood, I had been inclined to hold my anger inside (“swallow it” is a better description). Although I usually thought I was being reasonable, I was quite capable of sarcasm–sideways anger–and pouting episodes, admittedly serious character defects. But during this crisis, I, too, became unable to refrain from out-and-out badgering and bickering. Every attempt of ours to resolve our differences seemed doomed to end in a no-win fray.
There were, of course, some valid reasons we could point to for strain in our relationship, but it was only after the crisis had passed that we were able to look backward and understand them.
On Elayne’s part, her attempt to quit smoking aroused much inner tension–more than she had been willing to admit. At the same time, her relationship with her teenage son, who lives with his father, had become especially troubling to her. As if those factors weren’t enough, she had assumed much more responsibility for the management of our household and particularly its finances.
On my part, I feared the loss of control of the purse strings, important to my sense of self-worth and security. After all, if my wife became too well–“independent” is a better term–would she need me anymore? I needed to be needed–admittedly another character defect. The thought occurred to me during this period that Elayne might even elect to return to her hometown to be with her boy, perhaps with her ex-husband. Could I survive a rejection like that?
We finally came to understand the depth to which we been embroiled in our own fears and anxieties, although we were quite confused at the time. As the outbursts became more frequent and troubling, the relationship lost all its usual comfort. Meanwhile, the tensions and anxieties grew within us. For me, attending AA meetings no longer eased the mounting pain in the pit of my stomach. I became quite frightened, and I knew Elayne was scared, too. We each secretly entertained plans to dissolve the marriage and “run for our lives.”
With matters nearly at the breaking point, I made a telephone call to a friend who is a recovered alcoholic, an ordained pastor (in fact, he performed our marriage ceremony), and a counselor at a nearby treatment center. We had consulted him from time to time on marital and personal problems. When he answered the phone, I am sure he sensed my desperation, because he agreed to see me that day.
I reached his office at noon and described my predicament. I hadn’t gotten far into the monologue before he quietly announced, “You need Al-Anon. You need that kind of support group, and you need to learn how to detach.” He proceeded to explain, and my hopes rose.
Elayne and I did go to an Al-Anon meeting a couple of evenings later. The group was small; the meeting, informal; and my wife felt free to speak of her problems. Almost immediately, some members shared related experiences. At a second meeting, a few days later, I had an opportunity to unburden myself. I came to understand that there is not a great difference between dealing with a drinking alcoholic and dealing with a dry alcoholic on an emotional binge, a dry drunk. I also learned that “detachment” does not mean building a wall between oneself and one’s spouse, but rather learning how to avoid involvement in the other’s emotional hassles.
I soon became somewhat adept at sensing the onset of troubled exchanges and managed to steer clear of most of them. I observed that our outbursts spent themselves sooner if one or the other of us didn’t engage in the other’s upset. For instance, my participation in the arguments had helped my wife justify angry behavior.
We did, of course, manage to survive those hectic weeks, stay sober, and remain married–with the help of a Higher Power and our friends in Al-Anon and AA. Believe me, I am a fervent Al-Anon supporter today. Al-Anon groups bring their members up short on blaming persons, places, and things for their inner turmoil even faster than most AA groups do.
Every drinking story I hear and each crisis I pass through add to my growing awareness that the progress of an alcoholic toward sobriety–not just dryness–is truly an inside job, requiring a lot of knowledge about oneself. I am reminded of a slogan I once saw on a poster in a hospital: “Each person carries within himself the world in which he must live.” That’s the world I need to work on, all right–and AA and Al-Anon give me the tools to do it.