How a woman he once harmed taught him about forgiveness, love and being truly free
I was introduced to AA through the court system after I caused a terrible automobile accident. I ran a red light while I was in a blackout. I was badly injured in the crash and an innocent elderly woman named Velma was also hurt. Her life was shattered due to my drinking. My blood-alcohol level was off the chart.
Although I could not see it at the time, my life had fallen apart. I was indifferent to everything around me. As I saw it, the world was an ugly place.
But through God’s grace, this tragic car accident helped me to find my way to AA. Right away I found a sponsor and started working the Steps and my life started to change. With my sponsor’s guidance, I made it to the Ninth Step, in which I made amends whenever possible, “except when to do so would injure them or others.”
A key turning point of my sobriety was showing up and doing my Ninth Step with Velma and her family. It was Velma who taught me about the kind act of forgiveness.
Forgiveness? That was mysterious to me. I could not comprehend how anyone would forgive someone who had hurt them like that, much less a total stranger. I forgave no one, ever. It was my way of staying isolated. Fear. But Velma forgave me.
A while back, I tried to look Velma up again to thank her for how she helped shape my life. Sadly, she had passed away. I felt a deep loss.
Forgiveness has helped me to shed lifelong resentments and to let go of harms other people have caused me, both real and imagined. Velma showed me the kindness and compassion of the human heart. Step Nine opened the door of the real possibility of a Higher Power I could call my own. Velma’s example gave me a new beginning. I’ve learned to love again, to let people into my life and to feel truly free— thanks in part to someone I had hurt, someone I had never met before that car crash. I no longer view the world as an ugly place. It’s a beautiful place, full of amazing things and wonderful people.
In early sobriety, I had the notion that AA would be the panacea for my interpersonal relationships. I’ve learned that people are human. We are all flawed, and I’m definitely no exception. Being with people “who normally would not mix” fascinates me. I thrive on the diversity of our members.
I have an AA friend who had a terminal disease and just recently died. This man showed me how to live with dignity, strength and grace in the face of much suffering. We held AA meetings at his home with love, compassion, humility and gratitude.
In AA, I have seen things I will never forget. I’ve known AA members who died with needles in their arms. I’ve been to group conscience meetings where there was resentment and bitterness. I’ve been held up by fellow AA members after my son was severely burned in a fire and experienced an outpouring of love and aid from my home group. In AA, we experience both miracles and tragedies. With both, we reflect, feel, pray, hope, take action and become better people. My responsibility is to reach out to others—the newcomers, the egomaniacs, the service gurus, the happy oldtimers, the grumpy oldtimers, the retreads, the bleeding deacons, AA members walking the walk and those who don’t. In short, I’m responsible to reach out to anyone who walks into the rooms. Everyone can teach me something.
I’m 52 years old now and I’ve been sober 27 years. I have so many wonderful blessings in my life because of working the Steps with a sponsor. When I was drinking, I always wanted to be someone else so I could be happy. Now there’s no one I’d rather be than me. That’s how much the Steps have transformed my life, my attitude, my perspective. I even met a beautiful woman in AA at one of the International AA Conventions and she has been my wife for 10 years now. She’s a doer in AA and the love of my life.
Today I have a Higher Power. It’s the greatest blessing of my life. I’ve learned the value of prayer and meditation and of simply being quiet. I try to treat people with respect, accept others as they are, act with integrity, be sincere zand help others.
What a life.