An AA returning after a slip takes deliberate aim on wanting sobriety above all else
IT is almost ten years since I was first introduced to AA. My drinking history had carried me across Canada 4,000 miles from east to west, and as far north as Whitehorse in the Yukon. This was not boxcar traveling. It was in the air (in more ways than one), as a member of the Royal Canadian Air Force. The RCAF finally surrounded me with a veterans’ hospital in Winnipeg, Manitoba, for “acute alcoholism.”
Nevertheless, I still drank, out of control, despite efforts to force me into AA. Not until I was thoroughly beaten, mentally and physically, did I try AA for myself. It worked.
I remained contentedly sober for about five years. The last six months of the fifth year, however, I rested on my laurels, using the excuse that the younger fellows should get more active. I faded right out of the AA doorway in no time at all.
And so I got drunk again. The slip was really a slide that lasted two years, followed by another two years of baffled attempts to get back on the AA program. Finally I realized I was not Mister AA and had much to learn and relearn about the program. It took another trip to the hospital, this time in the nation’s capital, to get me running scared; but now, thank God, I have remained sober for two and a half months.
I knew what honesty was, but the thought of really trying to look at myself honestly came to me after a particularly rough time over a promotion, one that I was not to receive. Although my work had been assessed as more than satisfactory, I had just come off a period of probation because my creditors had written to the air force vainly trying to collect their just debts. With eight children to feed and an alcoholic’s appetite for booze, there was never enough money to pay them.
I didn’t try. I made all the excuses there were. The only bills paid were what my wife could handle by hiding money from me, those payments that would keep me out of court (and I still have another summons to go), and, of course, my bar bill. That had to have top priority. I would wake up at night sometimes and get a glimmer of my life and wonder what was to become of me. These periods of nighttime depression drove me to hide deeper in the drinking fogs. Although I recognized the problems, I refused to face and accept them.
Upon my return to AA, I find I am still running away from the responsibility of these problems. This could get me drunk again. I have stayed sober through the AA Fellowship and the program, but I am having difficulty in “practicing these principles in all my affairs.”
Recently, I started to raise a fuss over the promotion that passed me by. However, some sober thinking has convinced me that causing this kind of trouble will do no good and the frustration of bucking it through may hurt my sobriety.
I have at least the honesty to see the reason for my not being promoted: My life is unmanageable. But it is another matter to accept the situation. This I am attempting to do by putting it down on paper for a good, hard look, and to be my constant reminder.
I once heard, and took as my firm belief, that an AA member passes through three stages of growth in the program.
First, there is the period of still “wanting to drink” while knowing you can’t. For some, it is over quickly; others take longer. I personally find this period shortens in direct proportion to how well I work AA.
The second stage is “wanting to want sobriety.” I believe I have reached this stage now. I sure hope so, for, like humility, when you think you have it, you probably haven’t! During this stage, it would be only too easy to become confused, get turned around, return to drinking. This is about where I believe I was when I slacked off before.
This then, for me, is the turning point.
Now, to remain sober with any degree of contentment, I have to remember to review the Twelve Steps and my attitude towards them as often as I possibly can. Then I will have reached the third stage of “wanting sobriety above all else.” It is here that I feel I will actually begin to grow in the AA way of life. This is where I can at last enjoy life for its own sake, rather than trying to make it over to suit myself.