Jim A. found this interesting article that perhaps can be thought of as identifying how we may not only expect perfection from ourselves but project it and impose it on others. One of the topics we’ve been discussing about emotional sobriety is our tendency to create unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. When we find ourselves in a war with ourselves or with others it may be time to look at whether a root cause of imposing ‘unreasonable and unenforceable expectations‘ is a possibility. It’s also a reminder of how our expectations can ‘manufacture misery’ in our lives. – Bruce M.
Bill W in his reply to a 1960 letter mailed to him from an AA Group in Chicago taking his inventory (Bill was 26 years sober)
“That you seemed disillusioned with me personally may be a new and painful experience for you but many members have had that experience with me.
Most of your pain has been caused not only by my several shortcomings but by your own insistence on placing me, a drunk, trying to get along with other folks, upon a completely illusory pedestal; a station which no fallible person could possibly occupy.
I’m sure that you will understand that I have never held myself out to anybody as either a saint or a superman. I have repeatedly and truthfully said that A.A. is full of people who have made more spiritual progress than I ever, or can make. That in some areas of living I have made some decided gains but in others I seem to have stood still. And in still other ways I may have gone backwards. I am sorry that you are disillusioned with me but I am happy that even I have found a life here.”
— No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. — How It Works Big Book – page 60
Don’t cast a shadow on anyone unless you’re providing shade.
A friend of mine wrote: “Placing some ‘on a pedestal’ is just the flip-side of the same “judgment” (playing God) coin – it’s the side that reads “love’ instead of ‘hate’ – its still playing God. Sending someone to heaven – is just as much playing god as sending them to hell. The problem in this famous incident is not Bill’s – as we can see from his reply. He certainly had their ’number’. Good for him. The fault was on the members who placed Bill on a pedestal. It is demeaning to do that to someone. Whenever we place anyone on a pedestal, we will eventually come to hate them for the reality of their imperfection.
Whenever we place anyone on a pedestal, it is to lift ourselves up to the status of “god-maker”. Eventually we come to hate them because the illusion of ourselves as ‘creator’ is so dependent upon their ‘goodness’, when it is finally revealed they are not ‘that’ perfect – we resent it. We get knocked off our position of little ‘god-maker’.
This is very common in AA (in religions too) – especially when sponsor/sponsee – goes ‘sick’ with “my sponsor is . . .” honoring sponsorship lineages, etc. (I keep my ‘lineage’ to myself to avoid this kind of degrading thought.)
It is not at first always the ‘idols’ fault – it is often needy worshipers who elevated him in the first place. Hero worship always ends this way. In an extreme example, John Lennon was killed by his own ‘Uber-Fan.’
Bill was so very observant in his reply. His response was just perfect and he clearly understood this principle. He’d HAVE to learn it . . .or else he’d never survive as “Bill W.” He was a very special man.
Bill W’s letter suggests that his spiritual work had helped him get beyond the dependence on others that he describes in this way in his famous Grapevine article ‘Emotional Sobriety – The Next Frontier’. For context, he is 25 years sober yet in the grip of a deep depression and searching for an explanation as to why:
“ Suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence — almost absolute dependence — on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them . And when defeat came , so did my depression”
The letter he writes to the Chicago AA group is clear that Bill W is no longer in the grip of his ‘perfectionist dreams’. Dr. Allen Berger describes these dreams (or perhaps straight jackets) this way in his discussion about ‘Breaking The Bonds of Perfectionism’ :
“ Perfectionism is not doing things perfectly; it is expecting ourselves to do things perfectly. It is the relentless drive toward an unrealistic, inhuman, and unattainable goal. Perfectionism is an expectation of rigid precision: We should do things perfectly, others should do things perfectly, life should be perfect—which means life has to conform to our expectations.”
So much of this dependence on others that threatens our emotional balance and sobriety is wrapped up in our belief in our own self sufficiency and self reliance. This mistaken idea creates a dependence that Ray A summarizes beautifully in the article ‘Dangers of Self Reliance’. This quote captures some of what we are actually relying on well beyond ourselves:
“ While we may think we are depending on ourselves—our intelligence, ingenuity, creativity, talent, skills, drive, energy, and hard work—in the end we are really depending on others: on their assessment of those things, their recognition, their approval, their reward. Like Bill, we are resting our emotional security on the shifting sands of people and circumstance”
thanks for this, I found it randomly Friday, don’t recall what I was looking for, and today I really needed it. not sober 25 years but long enough to know there’s something I’m “doing wrong”… this is definitely a clue to that. thanks for this wonderful resource.
So glad u found the article helpful! We have a section on Emotional Security on the website that uses this famous ‘next frontier’ article as a launch for aggregating much content. If u haven’t found it; it’s a menu option or can be accessed via this link:
https://gugogs.org/emotional-sobriety-2/
The website is a resource for a AA group that meets each morning at 7:30am EST. Please join us if u’d like! The group is virtual using a phone call with an access code shown below:
Dial 434-300-4077; AccessCode 633038
Thanks … Bruce M.
Here are article links to the three articles referenced in my earlier comment:
Emotional Sobriety – The Next Frontier
https://gugogs.org/2020/04/28/the-next-frontier-emotional-sobriety-grapevine-1958/
Breaking The Bonds of Perfectionism
https://gugogs.org/2022/12/09/breaking-the-bonds-of-perfectionism-12-essential-insights-for-emotional-sobriety-by-dr-allen-berger/
Dangers of Self Reliance
https://gugogs.org/2023/01/05/dangers-of-self-reliance-practice-these-principles-by-ray-a/