Am I my own worst enemy?
I’VE been in AA, and sober, for five years. But I still bruise easily–at times. Just when I think God is in heaven and the goose hangs high, something is said or done and–ouch!–I’ve got a pain in my feelings again!
Ever have that happen to you, a pain in your feelings, just when you had begun to pride yourself on your forbearance and humility? If so, you and I are brothers under our alcoholic skins.
What causes it is immaterial. Whether my grievance is real or imaginary, is of no consequence. Whether I’m right or wrong, I haven’t the kind of temperament that can handle a resentment.
It has been my observation that a pain in our feelings can easily become, and often does, the pain of an alcoholic hangover and remorse. Most of us have a low boiling point. It doesn’t take much, unless we’re careful, to get up a full head of steam in short order. Leave it to us to dramatize or accentuate something out of all proportion to its actuality or significance.
Something derogatory, perhaps, is said about us. We suffer from an unjust accusation. The sincerity of our motives is questioned. Someone doubts our ability to stay sober even in AA. An individual refuses to forgive us or to try to understand our efforts at rehabilitation. We get a bad break at home or on the job. Or a person is unkind or maliciously mean. Our animosity is aroused. We put ourselves on the defensive. A resentment or bitterness is stirred up that can upset our emotional balance.
A pain in our feelings (and that’s all it is, really) is preventable if we pause to remember in time just one thing–namely, that a man or a woman, and specifically the alcoholic, is his or her own worst enemy.
If someone were to take the food out of our children’s mouths, get us dispossessed from our homes for non-payment of rent, inflict alcoholic convulsions or d.t.s on us, have us thrown into jails or hospitals, or otherwise mistreat us inhumanly, we would look upon him as a monster.
If he were to blacken our reputation, destroy our personal integrity, cheapen our self-respect or make us lie, cheat, two-time or double-cross, we would be right in looking upon him as monstrously evil and diabolical in destructive powers.
Has anyone ever done all or many of those things to you or me? No! But we’ve done them to ourselves while the craving for alcohol was upon us. No one has ever harmed us the way we’ve harmed ourselves, our families, and our friends.
Let’s think of that the next time we begin to get a pain in our feelings about injustices, the criticisms of others or the realities of life.
Why should I, for example, be resentful against truths, gossip or malice of others when I was my own worst enemy in the past? When I hurt myself and my family far beyond the power of any friend, relative or stranger to do likewise?
Personally, I look upon a pain in my feelings as temporary indigestion of the mind. When I get a stomach-ache, it is generally because I’ve eaten something that hasn’t agreed with me. Likewise, my mental indigestion comes from some story, bit of gossip or circumstance that I’ve swallowed without thinking.
When I’m in physical pain, I get relief by medication. When I start to get emotionally or mentally ill from indigestion of the mind, I prescribe more AA for myself. Better still, I try now to recognize the symptoms and prevent the attack.
The next time you feel hurt, outraged, bitter or resentful–the beginning of many a slip as attested to by AA speakers–try to remember quickly that you haven’t been mortally harmed.
In nearly all cases, It’s just a pain in your feelings!