God Doesn’t Create Junk 

She had to give up perfectionism and learn to value herself 

I will always be amazed at the wisdom I find in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I once heard that it is not what you say that matters, but how you make someone feel that counts. I want to make a difference, and that is a whole new concept for me, an alcoholic. You either give your life to something, or throw it away for nothing. I valued myself only on the basis of the approval of others. I was very good at pleasing others to an extreme, while ignoring my own deficiencies and insecurities. I not only failed to achieve my own happiness, but was robbed of that sense of personal satisfaction that goes with it. 

My adult life was burdened by the pressure of being a “first born” over achiever. I became a highly functioning, blurry-eyed, hand-shaking, anxiety-ridden, unfocused, blackout form of social drinker, but not an alcoholic. I am sure I am not alone. My perfectionism was just another form of self-abuse and destruction of my spirit, leaving me “a nothing” if I couldn’t be perfect at something. Those were my options. Art and life evolve, and my life as I have heard is progress, not perfection. A work in progress is never perfect. But changes can be made. My sober, authentic life that I have created for myself is art in its highest form. God doesn’t create junk.

In the past, when wrestling with perfectionism, I listened to a powerful, critical voice in my head telling me my work isn’t good enough and that I wasn’t trying hard enough. To overcome perfectionism, like alcoholism, I needed to work on changing this little but loud voice! 

When I continue the negative talk and thoughts, I perpetuate unhealthy behaviors and crush my self esteem. Perfectionists tend to set goals of unreasonable excellence without any learning curve, always trying not to make mistakes. My goals were unrealistic and demanding, leaving little room for error. I had to forgive my mistakes and myself.

I tended to look at criticism as an attack, reacting defensively. I grew up with an alcoholic father, who dispersed constant criticism on a daily basis. It is through working on the Steps in this program, and gaining a perspective of forgiveness and love that I understand where this came from. Constructive criticism, however, can give me important clues on how to improve my performance, making every less-than-perfect activity into a useful stepping stone and lead to a better tomorrow. 

I remind myself daily that mistakes are a way to learn, gaining experience and wisdom along the way. The only way I fail is if I stop trying to achieve to be a better person, helping more people through service work in this amazing, healing program of recovery.

Perfectionism was a defense mechanism against criticism, which in turn caused me to become consumed with fear—fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of mistakes, and fear of disapproval. All this turned on me and caused self-criticism and self-blaming, lowering my self-esteem. This beautiful program of AA helped me to look at myself and see what I really feared—the real me with all my defects. 

After self-evaluation and working through the steps, I found that the promises do come true. Don’t ever quit before the miracle because fear, anxiety, and depression have completely fallen from me, and I can look the world in the eye.  I don’t fear anything or anyone anymore!