Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously – Prentis Hemphill
Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy. We can’t connect with someone unless we’re clear about where we end and they begin. If there’s no autonomy between people, then there’s no compassion or empathy, just enmeshment.
This has probably been one of the most significant, soul-shaking learnings of my career.
For a couple of years, it made no sense to me at all. Why did all of the compassion practitioners—therapists, counselors, monks—that I interviewed talk about the importance of boundaries? Why did the lack of boundaries and judgment seem to go hand in hand in the data?
In The Gifts of Imperfection, I write, “The heart of compassion is really acceptance. The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. Well, it’s difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us. This research has taught me that if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior.”
I was recently struggling with a boundary issue (yes, still) and I told my therapist that I refuse to go back to saccharine—that I like solid better. Before I really understood how impossible it is to be compassionate to myself or others when people are taking advantage of me and when I’m prioritizing being liked over being free, I was much sweeter but less authentic. Now I’m kinder and less judgmental. But also firmer and more solid. Occasionally salty.
The best definition of boundaries still comes from my friend Kelly Rae Roberts. Kelly Rae was an oncology social worker who followed her dreams and became a prolific, globally recognized artist. After experiences with some of her art students copying her work and selling it, she addressed her art community with a very straightforward blog post on “What’s OK and What’s Not OK” in terms of using her images. For example, it’s okay to be inspired by her work, but not okay to copy it and sell it. This is a simple but profound way to set boundaries. As we say in our organization, Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.
Too often we forget about the “what is okay” part, and that leads to unnecessary disconnection. When people set a boundary with us, we can feel that they’re denying us our right to our thinking and feeling. When we explain up front what’s okay, we move the focus to where it belongs: This expression of your feelings or thinking is the problem.
It’s okay to be pissed. It’s not okay to raise your voice and pound on the table.
It’s okay to change your mind. It’s not okay to assume that I’m okay with the changes without talking to me.
It’s okay to want to be able to do the things your friends are allowed to do. I totally get that. What’s not okay is breaking our rules to do them.
It’s okay to disagree with me, but it’s not okay to ridicule my ideas and beliefs.”