I love the amends Step. I especially like the words “such people” in the Ninth Step. As a non-custodial mother to three of my four sons and an often absentee mother to the other one, I caused irreparable damage during my drinking years.
After sobering up in AA, I did what I could to make amends to my children. Most of my efforts were met with indifference, pity or aloofness.
So I still felt the knot of shame from time to time, until a friend pointed out that if I had remained at home during my drinking I might have done far more damage than I did by leaving. My last few months of trying to be a good Christian stay-at-home mother also included dark hours trying to figure out how to kill my children’s father. I concluded that perhaps the friend was right in his suggestion. When I traded my Bible for a bottle and a bar stool, it was necessary for the old boy to stay alive and take care of our sons because I was not coming home.
My friend’s next suggestion was that I make amends to “such people.” My Higher Power provided for that. At six years sober I met a newcomer who was about to lose custody of her children if she could not stay sober. Her kids were the ages of my little ones when I left home. I had the honor of sponsoring that woman as she learned to walk the walk of sobriety. She didn’t lose her kids. They still had a mother to care for them. Somewhere in that walk, I got it; I got the message. I understood. That’s what they mean by “such people.” That shame knot in my belly began to loosen up a bit. Soon it was gone. That was truly a life-changing experience for me.
I have been blessed with 43 years of continuous sobriety. My sons all tell me they love me now, and I believe they do. But I’m not sure they have ever forgiven my alcoholism. That’s not their job. That’s part of the job description for my Higher Power. To love and forgive June. Thank you, AA.