With AA’s help and prayer, a mother puts down the bottle, lets go of the past and reconnects with her family in a new way
Most of my life I was a weekend drinker. I had a successful career teaching college and high school. When I retired in 2017, lacking the daily routine and purpose that had filled my life for years, I began drinking a lot more.
When my husband of 25 years died in 2008, I sold our home and moved to an apartment. In 2009 our only child asked me to move into his home with him (left to him by his paternal grandfather—a miracle). This was a lovely home in a nice suburban neighborhood in Missouri. My son never married and has no children.
After I retired, my son and I visited my brother in Wisconsin. My brother had 29 years of sobriety. We were not very close because we were separated when I was 8 and he was 15 after our parents’ divorce. I saw him about once every 10 years after that and occasionally sent a birthday card. He was now living alone in a 2500 square foot house, having broken up with his girlfriend of 12 years just a year before because she returned to drinking. His house is on 20 acres in a very rural area, and the neighbors have cows, horses and chickens. There are deer and wild turkeys everywhere. To me, it’s heaven. Our visit was so nice. We were there for two days and had a lovely time. My son and my brother bonded.
When my son and I set out for the 10-hour drive home, I had a terrible craving for a drink. All I could think of was getting home to have a drink. At that time, my son and I did not get along. We avoided one another most of the time, and this had been going on for years.
For the next few days, I drank every day. I would tell myself I’m not drinking today, yet I would be sitting, drink in hand by 11 a.m. By Friday night I knew this could not continue. This is when I remembered what author Carolyn Myss once said in a podcast: “I dare you to ask God to make you quit your addiction.” I remember thinking, No. I will not ask God to make me quit. I will ask him to help me.
I attended my first AA meeting the very next day. And what a meeting it was. The man who chaired had tattoos all over his arms and neck and was wearing a white T-shirt with a pack of cigarettes rolled up in the sleeve. A woman had a wart on her nose which made her look like a witch from central casting. As time went on and I saw her at more meetings I came to see what a beautiful soul she is and how selflessly she gives of herself to help others. But I looked around the room and thought, What am I doing here with these people? I’m a soccer mom and college professor, yet every person who shared said something I identified with. They reminded me to look for similarities and not differences. And they all told me to ask God for help.
I did what these people said and attended meetings every day. I talk to God every day and I listen to my intuition and gut feelings. In two weeks, I will have two years of sobriety—a miracle.
On my 15th day sober our beloved dog of eight years, Stripe, died. I knew when he did not come upstairs to greet me that morning that something was wrong. My first thought was, Thank God I’m sober. I can help my son through his grief.
About a week later, my son told me he wanted to move and asked me to call my brother to see if we could move in with him. So that’s what I did. And guess what? My brother said yes. Another miracle.
In November of 2018 I moved in with my brother. My son stayed back to prepare the house to sell. He moved up here with us one year later. He also got two new rescue dogs. I gave away most of our furniture and belongings. I only brought with me what I thought I really needed. It was very freeing to get rid of the things I no longer needed: lamps, chairs, tables, the microwave, dishes, pots and pans, clothing, beds and more.
I was concerned about how the three of us would get along. Before my son moved here, our relationship was not good. Now that he’s here, the three of us get along wonderfully. We all love the dogs. The peacefulness and serenity I feel here in rural Wisconsin is truly miraculous. The dogs are so happy here. My son is a hard worker, and I see him in a much different light than I did when I was drinking. When I drank I was critical and expected him to be perfect and felt let down when I realized he was a fallible human. Now I realize how wrong I was. I did not accept reality very well when I drank.
They say God speaks to us in the silence. I have not had a television since 2007, and I rarely even listen to the radio or use social media. That’s another miracle. There was a time in my life when I watched TV all the time. I was addicted to soap operas and all those ridiculous entertainment shows. Today my life is filled with peace, quiet and nature. My son and brother are the same, they enjoy the quiet too.
My life now is filled with family, AA meetings, lunch with AA friends and purpose. I do all I can to help other alcoholics. I live my life a day at a time, and I focus on what I can do that day. I try to remember that the past is done and the future is not here yet. The power is in this moment.