Henri Nouwen is thought of as one of the greatest spiritual teachers and authors of the 20th century. I found this short extract from his book entitled ‘Discernment’ to have a great deal of relevance to the Toxic Shame section of our website. One of my favorite books of his so relevant to what happens here in AA is The Wounded Healer. – Bruce M..
What is the greatest temptation? Money, sex, power? They seem to be the obvious ones, and we are easily caught by one or all of them. But over the years I have come to the conclusion that the greatest and most destructive temptation may not be any of these three. I wonder if the greatest temptation is self-rejection. Could it be that beneath all the lures to greed, lust, and success rests a great fear of never being enough or not being lovable?
Instead of taking a careful look at the circumstances or trying to understand my own and others’ limitations without rejection or judgment, when I fall into temptation, I tend to blame myself—not just for what I did but for who I am. My dark side says, “I am no good. I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned.” Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us God’s beloved. Being the beloved expresses the core truth of our existence.
How do I discern the voice that says “be humble” from the one that says “you’re nothing”? Humility has nothing to do with self-rejection. You can only be humble if you have a deep self-respect. Self-rejection cannot form the basis of a humble life. It only leads to complaints, jealousy, anger, and even violence. It is a most dangerous temptation. I know this from my own experience. Every time I start to experience myself as worthless or useless, a “nobody,” I know I am on the slippery slope to isolation and dark emotions.
I know that I give hope to others only when I have found that hope in the midst of my own despair. At times I find myself so deeply pulled into my own darkness that hope escapes me. How can I speak heart to heart about hope when I am still a victim of my own despair? I am so little in control of my feelings and emotions! Often I have to just let them pass through me and trust that they won’t hang around too long.
I have found that Saint Teresa’s call to focus on the goodness of God when I need to discern helps me fight the demons of despair, self-rejection, and fear, and has overcome the powers of darkness with the power of God many times. I have often prayed the prayer of Saint Teresa, “Solo Dios basta, God alone is enough,”when I have needed to discern whether what I was hearing and experiencing was of God or not.
Praying these words slowly and out loud can help me enter into God’s presence, where there is peace and certainty that God is always with me and loves me.
Let nothing disturb you
Let nothing frighten you.
Those who cling to God will lack nothing
Let nothing disturb you
Let nothing frighten you
God alone is enough.