A few weeks ago, we read the short reflection entitled ‘The Trance Of Unworthiness’. That reading is a poignant reminder of how many of us lose proportion and consciousness when we’re triggered and believe we’re under attack by this toxic shame and painful experience of our unworthiness. We seem to shut down and enter into this trance that can be a real danger for isolation, emotional imbalance and even relapse.
On page 37, the Big Book gives us a usefully precise definition for insanity:
“Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight, be called anything else?”
How are you at understanding what triggers these ‘out of proportion’ reactions within yourself? My hope is this article will help you locate some powerful new insights into these triggers. This may be useful in identifying more clearly a key ‘cause and condition’ in your 4th step inventory and ‘disturbance’ you may continue to experience as you do 10th step spot inventories and gain clarity in accurate self examination.
Long before I picked up my first drink; unconsciously as a child, I decided the real me was ‘not good enough’ and it was crucial to create an ideal version of myself that was enough. I needed to try to create this ‘pretend me’ and kill the real one. I decided my feelings were just getting in the way of me reaching this goal of me becoming who I thought I should be. Toxic shame, for me, is this belief that who I really am is ‘not good enough’ and I therefor need some kind of god-like power and control to create a new me that is enough. And this new me that is enough needs to be protected and cared for … I don’t want honesty and reality to allow my real ‘not enough’ me to be exposed or to have to consciously face the lie that I have been trying to use my ego to create a false self that was enough.
For me, much of my ‘out of proportion’ reactions to life can be traced to this toxic shame and how I try to protect myself from experiencing it. These reactions are also ways to relieve myself from the intense pressure and stress of living in the delusion that I can create an ideal of what I think ‘I should be’ into a reality that differs from who I am.
Dr. Allen Berger talks about this in his book “12 Essential Insights For Emotional Sobriety”. He describes it this way:
“You see, the anxiety that we won’t be loved, that we won’t be accepted, that we won’t belong is so disturbing and intolerable that we must find a solution to it…We imagined an idealized self, better than who we were, that would always feel secure, always be liked, always feel loved, and always feel welcomed. The process of adopting this idealized self resulted in us rejecting our true self, our real self. We actualized a concept of who we should be…The idealized self is our blueprint of a personal fantasy of how we should be, how we should look, how we should behave, how we should think and feel. It also includes the various self-imposed rules and goals we believe we should live up to. These should demands take over our lives. (A should demand is any one of thousands of things we tell ourselves are necessary for us to do in order to be deserving of love, acceptance, and belonging.)”
Often we hear and identify with the phrase ‘I’m an egomaniac with an inferiority complex’. If you struggle with this, you may find toxic shame (i.e. the burden of a ‘not good enough’ identity) is what the Big Book describes as an underlying ‘cause and condition (BB p.64) we need to uncover, discover , and discard as begin the ‘cleaning house’ process of steps 4 thru 9.
I believe the article below does a good job of helping us understand how toxic shame can trigger the pain we have attempted to numb and escape. It also helps us see how our reaction to shame has so much to do with the character defect types reactions and responses which separate us from ourselves, from others and from God … truly what blocks the ‘sunlight of the Spirit’. This complimentary article describes this alienation as ‘conscious separation’ which the author, Chuck C, identifies as our most fundamental challenge.
If you can identify with with these reactions and responses outlined below ; there is a very good chance that toxic shame is perhaps an unconscious fuel to your alcoholism. This may be an uncomfortable reality you may need to accept and learn how to heal from with the support of your AA community. There will be more articles about this healing process but this one is a good start to exploring whether your inventory may need to include this possibility of toxic shame.
The authors of the article below have been working on healing toxic shame for almost two decades in their ‘Center for Healing Shame’. This article is extracted from the 3rd chapter of their book ‘Embracing Shame’. I believe it is an extremely useful way to recognize how shame is the master emotion that is so often triggering some of our most serious character defects and out of proportion reactions. – Bruce M.
How We Respond To Toxic Shame – Extracted From The Book ‘Embracing Shame’ written by Bret Lyon and Sheila Rubin
One of the reasons shame is so powerful is that shame is a master of disguise. Invisibility creates power. If you can’t be seen, you are free to do more damage. Often when someone behaves a certain way, we can’t see how their behavior is motivated by shame, and even they may not be aware that they feel shame (or that they feel anything at all). Meanwhile, shame is there the entire time, hiding in plain sight.
Because shame is so painful, people avoid feeling it. Therefore, most of what we see in people when they feel shame is not the shame itself, but an unconscious way of reacting to the unbearable feeling of shame in their nervous system. As painful and self-defeating as the reactions may be, they offer some relief from the childhood disruption that triggers them. What we most often see and feel is not the shame itself, but a reaction to the shame.
When you start to see shame more clearly and pierce through its disguises, experiences that once seemed mysterious to you will begin making sense. You will come to better understand what is happening for you, as well as for the people you interact with.
Donald Nathanson delineated four main reactions to shame that we’ve built on over the years. These are unconscious responses people have to avoid feeling the shame that affects their nervous system. Recognizing these reactions as signposts for shame becomes like a Rosetta Stone for understanding people’s behavior and what underlies that behavior. When we understand these reactions to shame, a lot of difficult and uncomfortable words and actions suddenly make more sense.
Four Reactions To Shame
There are four main reactions to shame: Attack Self, Attack Other, Deny, and Withdraw. Most people tend to have one of these unconscious reactions when they feel shame. There are any number of factors that can cause us to unconsciously prefer one of these reactions as our go-to: modeling (how our caregivers reacted when they felt shame), media bias (how our favorite heroes and villains express themselves), genetic proclivities (introverts tending to withdraw), and so forth. Some people may ping-pong from reaction to reaction, but shame—and the unconscious motivation to avoid feeling it—underlie them all. Each of these reactions has value and utility. However, when we become stuck in one of these four, we’re unable to see or deal with the shame that underlies it.
Reaction #1 – Attack Self
The Attack-Self reaction looks a lot like shame itself. Someone is ashamed of their weight or their skin tone or because they didn’t do well on a test. They feel ashamed, and it shows. A person might attack themself for not fitting social norms of body size or because someone made fun of them. This reaction feels justified due to society’s persistent messages about the importance of physical appearance and “fitting in.”
However, shame isn’t just the product of our present experience. Certainly, there are experiences of trauma and public humiliation that can produce intense present shame, but in most cases, an intense level of shame is actually a sign of a childhood experience that’s being triggered in the nervous system. We call the present occurrence a shame trigger. The level of intensity we feel in the moment is related to the degree of shame we experienced in the past.
One common manifestation of Attack Self is the negative self-talk often referred to as the inner critic. Classic phrases the inner critic uses are things like I’m terrible, I always mess up, and I deserve it (whatever the “it” is—insult, punishment, an unfavorable outcome)…. I put myself down before anyone else can.”
Another form of Attack Self is perfectionism. Sometimes people feel so unworthy deep down that the only path forward to a sense of self-worth is to strive for perfection. That’s a tall order, considering that nobody can become perfect. And while a little perfectionism can help you do a better job, too much creates problems. As Voltaire shared hundreds of years ago, and as Bret still remembers vividly hearing Spock say in a Star Trek episode, “The perfect is the enemy of the good”.
The advantage of the Attack-Self reaction is that it includes a certain willingness to take responsibility. We want to do the right thing; we want to learn and grow.
Reaction #2 – Attack Other
In Attack Other, shame is externalized as blame. We immediately criticize others as an explanation for the situation that has brought up our shame. We’re not the problem; somebody else must be the problem. In this way, shame acts like a hot potato—we have to get it away from us as quickly as possible, whether that means contempt toward others, anger, and—in extreme cases—violence.
Our attacks against others are almost always misdirected. We’re usually angry at people and situations from a long time ago, and it’s that shame from our past that people in the present have triggered. And because shame leaves us feeling powerless, shifting the attack to other people can give us a sense of power and efficacy. This can be especially true of people who have been conditioned by toxic masculinity because they are socialized to be ashamed of being powerless. Studies of violent offenders invariably find that perpetrators have commonly experienced extreme shaming incidents in childhood. These people might be aware of what happened to them in the past, but they’re not able to deal with it in any other way than inflicting harm upon others. Of course, most of us don’t go to that extreme. We merely become angry, hypercritical, and express contempt.
It’s important to be aware of a tendency to Attack Other and consciously choose restraint before I speak so I can calm down. If we’re able to calm down and control our verbal and physical behaviors, the Attack-Other reaction can be useful in setting necessary boundaries. Indeed, we may attack others because we didn’t set a boundary soon enough.
Reaction #3 – Deny
Denial takes many forms. In one extreme (and maddening) form, we simply don’t remember what we said or did in the past. Many people deal with shame by denying and forgetting what actually happened.
This includes alcohol or drug blackouts in which a person wakes up the next morning with no memory of what happened. We may also remember but deny that we do.
Sheila’s Naked (and Denying) Patient
One of Sheila’s former patients was hospitalized and said, “I don’t know why I’m here. I’m not supposed to be here. There’s been a mistake, and you should release me.” Sheila responded by saying, “Maybe there has been a mistake. Let’s take a look at your chart.” Sheila checked the man’s chart and said, “This is really interesting. Your chart says you’re here because the police found you running naked down the freeway at two in the morning, and they picked you up and brought you to the psych hospital. Apparently, that’s why you’re here.” The man claimed to have no memory of the incident.
We can Deny that painful events actually happened, or we can Deny our feelings. Denial can involve disassociation, numbness, and blankness. Denial of shame is a central component in most addictions, whether to drugs, alcohol, food, or sex.
John Bradshawl wrote Healing the Shame That Binds You as a recovering alcoholic. In the book, he writes about drinking to mask his feelings of shame. When drunk, Bradshaw would do things he should feel ashamed of without feeling any shame. Then, when he would sober up, the shame would attack again, and he would feel so much shame (both for what he did while drunk and for the drinking itself) that he would immediately drink again to mask the pain. This demonstrates clearly how shame is a central part of the addictive cycle.
Addiction works too well, especially for deniers (“ Problem? What problem?”). When people are engaging in their addictions, their mind may calm and problems can seem to magically disappear.
But in order to achieve that feeling again, addicts have to drink more, eat more, or work or exercise harder and harder. The more our pain gets denied and pushed down, the more it seems to want to resurface. That leads to us needing yet more of what we’re addicted to just to control our shame.
We believe that you can’t fully overcome an addiction without working on the shame that underlies it. The success of the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program is related to both the safety that’s often created in the AA community and the confrontation and stripping away of habitual denial. People in AA are taught to say, “I am an alcoholic.” Even after years of recovery, they will say, “I am a recovering alcoholic”—not “recovered” alcoholic. In this way, they remain mindful and don’t let the social shaming that can be directed at alcoholics force them into even more denial.
Of course, we can Deny without having an addiction. We can lose track of details or belongings or misremember conversations or just not feel much of anything at all. Denial can be quite subtle, and we may not realize we’re doing it at the time. In some cases, there’s a use for denial, especially when we have to act in a crisis and don’t have the time or safety to reflect and remain fully aware.
Reaction #4 – Fawn/Cling
There is a type of Deny reaction that we believe needs a special mention. We’ve borrowed this reaction from Pete Walker and have situated it somewhere between Deny and Attack Self, because we view Fawn/ Cling as a special form of denial. Just as a deer fawn avoids danger by keeping completely still to avoid detection, the person enacting a Fawn/ Cling response freezes inside because it’s too unsafe to experience the anger they feel. Often this involves children who need to keep their connection with caregivers, no matter what. We’ve worked a lot with agencies that sponsor foster and adoptive parents. The adoptive parents often report that children still idolize and long for the parents who gave them up, even if those parents were addicted, abusive, or neglectful. This is the Fawn/ Cling reaction at work, and it continues long after it’s necessary because the basic need for connection and survival supersedes the reality of the situation.
While there are often social and financial reasons that victims of domestic violence stay in untenable situations, there can also be a Fawn/ Cling response that may take over their nervous system. If that happens, they don’t have access to a healthy anger, which would get them moving and help them break free, so they freeze. They remain focused on keeping the connection, not allowing themselves to realize or act on the realization that the situation is harmful for them. We also see the Fawn/ Cling reaction play out in Stockholm syndrome—a coping mechanism in which people develop positive feelings toward their captors or abusers over time. This condition applies to situations including child abuse, coach-athlete abuse, relationship abuse, and sex trafficking.
Because we live in a male-dominated patriarchal society, the Fawn/ Cling reaction is wired into many women developmentally, and it is important for them and others to understand that it is not their fault. It can often protect them in the context of violence. A person attempts to diminish a threat (a physical attack, conflict, criticism, or disapproval) and maintain connection by becoming appealing and abandoning many of their basic needs. Fawn/ Cling can also occur in the absence of an overt threat, when a person simply longs for connection with a distant partner or caregiver who is unwilling or unavailable for loving connection.
Example – Terrence Goes Along to Get Along
When our anger becomes frozen, it’s difficult to set boundaries. Terrence was a middle-aged man who had spent most of his life in awkward shyness. At some point, he met a woman, and they eventually developed a serious relationship. Terrence didn’t have the courage to ask her to marry him, but he was delighted when she asked him. But Terrence became worried about losing his fiancée, because he’d never told her no or asked for anything. As he explained, his method during dating was to “go along to get along,” but now he was afraid that he would have to go along with all of her ideas about the wedding plans and where they would go on their honeymoon. In fact, Terrence was afraid of disagreeing with her about anything. He didn’t know how to set a boundary, and he didn’t know how to say no. He didn’t even know what he wanted until his girlfriend asked for something he didn’t want. Terrence had learned this Fawn/ Cling reaction as a child, and now he didn’t know how to break the pattern. Over time, he learned how to speak up for what he wanted and was better able to set boundaries in the relationship.
Reaction #5 – Withdraw
Withdrawal may sound a lot like denial, but it’s quite different. In denial, we can stay in a situation and pretend all is well. We may cut off our awareness that the situation is happening (or that our shameful feelings are happening) or use an addictive behavior to dull our awareness, but when we sober up, we can still Deny that we have a problem.
Withdrawal means that we leave the situation physically or emotionally. We pull inward and separate from the shaming situation. Temporary Withdrawal can be useful when it creates some emotional distance and gives us time to calm down. Maybe we take a walk to think about it or take a few minutes to ourselves to review what happened. In a temporary Withdrawal, we can look at the situation in a different way and get a more accurate and helpful take on what’s going on. It gives us time to pause, rest, and reassess.
However, for some people, Withdrawal becomes a way of life. They Withdraw permanently and don’t come back; they give up on other people and themselves. The shame Withdrawal can easily lead to depression, and we believe that shame is at the root of depression.
Sheila’s Withdrawn Client
I had a young client, Mack, who’d recently dropped out of college and kept to his house. When his worried mother tried to talk with him and get him to go out, he retreated to his bedroom. When I asked him (over Zoom) what he had done that week, he responded, “Absolutely nothing.” With further questioning, he admitted that he had worked out. He had a pull-up bar that he could hook up in the doorway. This fascinated me, so I began asking questions. He told me how many reps he could do and that he was increasing the number every day. I was impressed. “I couldn’t even do one of these,” I told him. Then I asked for his advice on how I could begin to use a pull-up bar, and he gave it willingly. As we talked, he became more animated, and I could see his chest rise and fall as his breathing increased. The beginnings of a smile crossed his lips. He began to come out of his shell. Over time, he was better able to reassess and view himself in a more positive light. Whereas before he’d withdrawn from life because he felt like such a failure, eventually he was able to believe that he could accomplish something worthy and tangible.
Can You Now Recognize Shame
Once you understand what shame is and can identify and acknowledge when you are feeling shame, the journey begins. When you can withdraw from a situation even a little bit and reassess it, noting the way shame plays out in your feelings and behavior, you are on the road to change. Shame is a primary emotion with a useful purpose; trying to eliminate shame is a fool’s errand. However, shame can be transformed into something positive, and it is possible to transform your toxic, defeating, and destructive shame into healthy guilt.
This article relates how the Twelve Steps and A.A. Fellowship can be used in healing this shame that binds us. Shame can a ‘master emotion’ of the ‘bondage of self’ described in the 3rd step prayer. – Bruce M.