Let’s use a combination of AA literature to better understand this important topic as we examine some key questions
What is the root of our problems ? (Big Book pg 62)
Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?
Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God’s help.
What activates our character defects that are the fruits from this root ? (12 &12 pg 76)
The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear – primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration. Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a means of reducing these demands.
How do self centered fears manifest in what’s ’out of proportion’ in our instincts (12&12 pg 42)
Yet instincts, so necessary for our existence, often far exceed their proper functions. Powerfully, blindly, many times subtly, they drive us, dominate us, and insist upon ruling our lives. Our desires for sex, for material and emotional security, and for an important place in society often tyrannize us. When thus out of joint, man’s natural desires cause him great trouble, practically all the trouble there is. No human being, however good, is exempt from these troubles. Nearly every serious emotional problem can be seen as a case of misdirected instinct. When that happens, our great natural assets, the instincts, have turned into physical and mental liabilities.
How do our fears reflect themselves and become self defeating (12 and 12 pg. 49)
When our failings generate fear, we then have soul-sickness. This sickness, in turn, generates still more character defects.
Unreasonable fear that our instincts will not be satisfied drives us to covet the possessions of others, to lust for sex and power, to become angry when our instinctive demands are threatened, to be envious when the ambitions of others seem to be realized while ours are not. We eat, drink, and grab for more of everything than we need, fearing we shall never have enough. And, with genuine alarm at the prospect of work, we stay lazy. We loaf and procrastinate, or at best work grudgingly and under half steam.
These fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the foundations of whatever sort of life we try to build.
What does the Big Book say about self centered fear in the 4th step (BB pg. 66,67)
Notice that the word “fear” is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn’t deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble.
We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn’t it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn’t go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn’t fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse.
Perhaps there is a better way – we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.
We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.
My self centered fear can be responded to with the courage to trust and rely on God (and the spiritual principles of the program) for what I cannot control or change. My acceptance of what I cannot change opens the door to practice the courage of facing this self centered fear and seeing it more clearly as a place where I am attempting to ‘play God’ rather than rely on Him. I have placed myself in the center rather than placing God in the center. I have become so attached to ‘my little plans’ that there is no room for His plans that don’t conform to mine. Being willing to practice the 3rd step prayer in the grip of this self centered fear is a perfect courageous response. I offer myself and my self centered fear to Him … asking God to relieve me of the ‘bondage of self’ and to practice these principles that allow Him to be the Architect for rebuilding my life in his image and likeness. My self centered fear is placing second things first … I am placing my will above His .. I believe I must control what I can’t control and my defiance leaves no room for truly relying on God.
Here are some other very useful related ideas from an article about the 4th step from Ray A’s book ‘Practicing These Principles’ that I have very helpful. I’ve extracted certain key sections below and also provided a link to this article in its totality:
“Fear of loss and failure—of losing what we have or not being able to get what we want—does not by and of itself constitute self-centered fear. The 12& 12 suggests a narrower and more specific definition. The suggestion is that fear becomes self-centered when we become possessive of what we have and demanding about what we want.
To become possessive and demanding suggests that the problem of self-centered fear arises from a distortion of the value that we place on the things we have and desire, and of our consequent concern to keep the ones and secure the others. The terms connote excess and inordinacy: becoming too attached to the good we have, too desirous of the good we want. To possess conveys not just the plain fact of ownership but an attitude, an orientation of the heart. That attitude is one of control, indeed, of complete and exclusive control. A possessive person wants to dominate. What I possess is mine. The more I prize it, the greater my wish to hold on to it and the greater my fear of losing it.
To demand is to want on stilts. We want what we want when we want it. There is an urgency and an insistence about it that flows from its inordinate importance in our own eyes. There is also a possessiveness about it. Bill linked the two concepts in “Emotional Sobriety.” As we noted earlier, he recognized that his demands were for the possession and control of the people and circumstances surrounding him. To demand connotes an unwarranted sense of entitlement. I demand what I regard as my due, what I have coming to me, what is my right. The more it is worth to me the greater my desire to acquire or achieve it and the greater my fear of failing to do so.
Being possessive and demanding reveals a disordered concern for the things we have and want. That is the basis of the disorder in self-centered fear. What might otherwise be a normal fear of loss and failure becomes abnormal.
The disorder takes two closely interconnected forms. One is excess. We eat, we drink, and we grab for more of everything than we actually need says the 12& 12, for fear that we will never have enough (S4, p. 49). We live upon the basis of unfulfilled demands and in a state of continuing upheaval and aggravation (S7, p. 76). Because when something becomes too important to us, we can never have enough of it. We always want more. The more we have, the more we have to have. It becomes an addiction. That is why alcoholism is said to be a disease of more. Excess is one of its defining features. In our drinking as in so many other things, there is often a drivenness about us, a tendency to go beyond the limits of what is necessary, appropriate, or desirable, even safe. We are truly an insatiable breed.
The other form of the disorder warps the relationship between the various goods we have or desire. We put second things first, a lesser good before a greater good, a lower love above a love that is higher. When we looked at a job as no more than a way to make money rather than a good opportunity to give service, we read in the 12& 12, when acquiring money and becoming financially independent seemed more important to us than a right dependence upon God, we remained the victims of irrational fear (S12, pp. 121–122). When something becomes too important to us, we put it first. It is that simple. We subordinate other things to it, neglecting what we should not neglect, making sacrifices we should not make, and taking chances we should not take.”
Here is the link to the article in its totality:
https://gugogs.org/2022/11/17/4th-step-fear-inventory-practice-these-principles-by-ray-a/