The Twelve & Twelve offers us some very specific suggestions about how to grow daily in becoming more loving and tolerant. This short paragraph from p.93 captures these,what I term, ‘mini steps’ within the major step of continuous self-examination called for in Step 10. I’ve added numbers and some annotations to this short paragraph.
1. We can try to stop making unreasonable demands upon those we love.
Our self centered fears shut out and shut down Love. Demanding outcomes from others is a sure sign that I am moving away from accepting the freedom that is inseparable to Love. It is also likely a reminder that I have moved into self centered fear. When I demand and I think I should possess; I need to recognize how my instincts are moving from their God given roles into ‘out of proportion’ expressions that trigger my character defects. This article extracted from Ray A’s book ‘Practice These Principles’ is full of wisdom and clarity. He says:
“Fear exists because danger exists. Danger is an objective fact of life. It is real. Fear alerts us to the possible existence of peril and enables us to defend ourselves against potential harm. It is a necessary internal alarm system. Thus when AA tells us that our goal is to be free from fear, it is not suggesting that we will cease to experience fear. What it is suggesting is that we can be free from a certain kind of fear, the fear which is “an evil and corroding thread” (Big Book, p. 67) running through human existence. This is “self-centered fear,” a fear, says the 12&12 (Step 7, p. 76), which revolves primarily around loss and failure: fear of losing what we have or not being able to get what we want. This fear arises not just because we have and we want, but because we “possess” and “demand.” It becomes a self-centered and disabling emotion because what we have and what we want means too much to us. It is too important. We have to have it. We can’t do without it. And so we become too dependent on it. We base our happiness on it. And because it is so valuable to us, we become too sensitive to any potential threat to it. We see risk and danger everywhere. We become prey to fear, anticipating loss and failure.”
The Big Book and Twelve & Twelve add tremendous insight into self centered fear. This article attempts to connect the many dots between the Big Book and Twelve & Twelve that explores self centered fear … what Bill W. describes this way:
The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear – primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration. Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a means of reducing these demands.
2.We can show kindness where we had shown none.
Perhaps, the 11th step prayer expresses this well when it suggests “ Seek to comfort not to be comforted”
3.With those we dislike we can begin to practice justice and courtesy, perhaps going out of our way to understand and help them.”
And further the 11step prayer suggestions to “seek to understand not to be understood“ and further “to love rather than be loved” seem quite instructive in what practicing this mini step might look like in the way we act and respond.
It’s also important to put these mini steps in the context of Bill’s assessment of where most of us find ourselves in terms of developing love and tolerance in our relationships. He covers this right before these mini steps on page 92:
“Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up.
Such a radical change in our outlook will take time, maybe a lot of time. Not many people can truthfully assert that they love everybody. Most of us must admit that we have loved but a few; that we have been quite indifferent to the many so long as none of them gave us trouble; and as for the remainder—well, we have really disliked or hated them. Although these attitudes are common enough, we A.A.’ s find we need something much better in order to keep our balance. We can’t stand it if we hate deeply. The idea that we can be possessively loving of a few, can ignore the many, and can continue to fear or hate anybody, has to be abandoned, if only a little at a time.”
Bill also understood and appreciated how radical and revolutionary this movement to love and tolerance would be for many of us. And he cautioned us to accept the reality again of ‘progress not perfection’ as we avoid ‘all or nothing’ thinking about ourselves while at the same time using prompt admission of our failures to advance ourselves toward the ‘limitless expansion’ offered us to grow in love and tolerance.
“Whenever we fail any of these people, we can promptly admit it—to ourselves always, and to them also, when the admission would be helpful. Courtesy, kindness, justice, and love are the keynotes by which we may come into harmony with practically anybody. When in doubt we can always pause, saying, “Not my will, but Thine, be done.” And we can often ask ourselves, “Am I doing to others as I would have them do to me—today?”
Previously, on p.91 Bill was very clear about how difficult this would be when he said:
“We need not be discouraged when we fall into the error of our old ways, for these disciplines are not easy. We shall look for progress, not for perfection.”
It may also be worthwhile for us to remind ourselves about this fundamental difference between a demand and a request. Our demands are likely pushing a Power greater than ourselves out of the center and placing ourselves squarely into the Director’s Chair. This post reminds us of the unmanageability we produce in our lives by doing this and the decision we’ve made in Step 3 to focus on the actions and attitudes within our control not outcomes and results beyond our control.
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