“I hereby sentence you to six years in the custody of the Department of Corrections,” said the judge on the morning of my 108th day of sobriety. Those 108 days were what made it possible for me to show up in the courtroom that morning, knowing I’d be sitting in a cell that night. Without the love, hope, and support I got from the people I met in meetings I probably would’ve pulled a disappearing act as I had always done before when things got too much to handle. AA gave me strength to show up and to start the long process of clearing up the wreckage of my past.
When I first came to AA, my only motivation was the fact that it might help me in the courtroom. I really wasn’t interested in the program for the program’s sake. I only wanted to use AA–like most everything else in my life–for my own selfish reasons. But that didn’t last long. I saw something in the people at those meetings that I wanted. I wanted it so badly I decided I was willing to go to any length to get it.
When I first got sober I used to hear people identify themselves as grateful alcoholics. I couldn’t understand how anyone could be grateful for being an alcoholic. Now I do. Not only am I a grateful alcoholic but I’m also grateful that I’m in prison. I don’t think I would have as fully embraced the AA program as I have if I were not in the situation I’m in. I was the person who always looked for the easier softer way. It took my sitting in a prison cell for me to realize that if I continued my way I’d probably wind up doing more time. I had to continue working the program and trusting in God or go back to the miserable existence I led before. I chose God and AA.
I did my Fourth Step sitting in a cell. I couldn’t have been as brutally honest without the concrete and steel to remind me of how critically important it was to be honest and thorough. It was a matter of life or living death. I had the honor of being able to do my Fifth Step with one of the wonderful AA people who brought us a meeting every week. Reading my Fifth Step to that man gave me a sense of relief and accomplishment I could hardly believe. I finally felt I was taking some real, positive, concrete action to turn my life around. For the first time not only did I want to change but felt I was really ready to change.
I had the blueprint for change right in front of me in the Twelve Steps. I was able to get down on my knees and ask God to remove my character defects. I was able to make a list of people I had harmed without trying to make excuses or blame them, and have started making amends. Thanks to the principles I’ve learned in the program, I can continue to honestly look at my life and admit when I’m wrong. I no longer always have to be right. My daily prayer and meditation has become a time that I truly cherish.
Best of all, I’m in a position where I can carry the message in a place it’s sorely needed. I’ve had the privilege of serving as secretary for meetings at two of the prisons I’ve been in. I’ve also had the privilege of being asked to sponsor a couple of guys who really helped me to grow in sobriety. I just hope they got as much out of it as I did. The opportunities I’ve had to carry the message have been very fulfilling to me and at times have kept me sober. I’ve known the joy of hearing from guys after they have been paroled and finding out they’re still sober and attending meetings.
Because of the change in me from living the program, I’ve been able to go from a maximum security prison to a minimum security conservation camp. Now at the camp I have another opportunity to be of service by helping to get a meeting started. I’m also close enough to home that I get to see some of the friends I made when I first got sober. In the last two and a half years I’ve gained a sense of self-worth and a feeling of serenity I’m not willing to give up. Each day I feel myself growing in recovery. I can honestly say I’m happier now than ever before in my adult life. My hope and strength come from my relationship with God and I have AA to thank for that. So, as you can see, I have many reasons for saying I am a grateful alcoholic.
I’ll be paroled soon and I’m looking forward to getting out and continuing my sober lifestyle. The thought of getting out is kind of scary but I know God won’t let anything happen to me I can’t handle. With God on my side and the principles of the program to guide me, I know I’ll be all right. I’d like to tell everyone who has found AA in prison to stick with it. Don’t hang it on the gates on your way out. I was drowning and AA was my lifeline.
I would also like to take this opportunity to express my gratitude to those loving, caring people on the hospitals and institutions committees. These people go through a lot to carry the message beyond prison walls where it is so desperately needed. They all have my heartfelt thanks.
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