IT WAS VERY difficult to turn my life and will over to the care of a God I did not trust–a loving God, but a just God–a merciful God, but an omnipotent God capable of great wrath–a God who kept me in suspense wondering if He was going to deliver the goods to make me happy, whether with salvation or a better job–all in all, a very chancy sort of God to be fooling with.
When I was a youngster, this scorekeeper sort of God was the only kind I thought available. When fear and distrust grew in me because He was not giving me what I wanted, I found other gods in the forms of people, places, things, and finally booze.
Many years later, when these gods also had failed, a man from AA sat talking with me in the middle of a winter night. I responded to his sharing, “We can stay sober together” sort of feeling. I trusted that man–not completely, but enough to get me in the doors of AA.
One of the first things I realized was that AA was not some abstract medieval philosophy concerned with how many angels could dance on the head of a pin, but a way of life designed for living “out there.” I also noticed that the happiest people were those going into action in their whole lives as well as in AA. They prayed and they meditated, but they also put it into gear each morning. They seemed to have a trust in life itself, believing that if they went out and took their best shot at it on a daily basis, any problems, needs, or even personal wants would be taken care of. They trusted their world because they were now part of it were no longer waiting for some god to make them happy.
Through their “We can do this together” sharing, I slowly started to live by trying new ideas, by not being afraid of making a mistake, by becoming willing to serve an apprenticeship in order to learn something new, by shooting for a goal without being sure of success, by accepting the belief that if I handled what was at hand, tomorrow would take care of itself, and most of all, by being able to laugh when I caught myself doing something foolish.
I cannot prove this belief, but I know it to be so, because as I guide my life along these lines, my life gets better and better. Scientists cannot prove Einstein’s theory of relativity, either, but they know the formula works when they use it. As theories, neither has any value, but both work when used.
It is no longer important who or what God is, because I know there is something bigger than I am each time I look at my world, especially my AA world. I can see it–I can feel it–I can use it–I can trust it–I am part of it.