The belief in how special and unique we are can develop into a grandiosity that we may need to recognize within ourselves. The Twelve & Twelve reminds us of what the results of a study of alcoholics concluded were our most common personality traits
The doctors weren’t trying to find how different we were from one another ; they sought to find whatever personality traits , if any , this group of alcoholics had in common . They finally came up with a conclusion that shocked the A.A . members of that time . These distinguished men had the nerve to say that most of the alcoholics under investigation were still childish , emotionally sensitive , and grandiose.
Twelve & Twelve p.123
As we learn to recognize our grandiosity with more clarity and acceptance, we may begin to see how we impose very unrealistic demands upon ourselves, upon others and even upon God. We may also begin to see more clearly how often these unconscious unrealistic demands contribute to our ‘manufacture of misery’(BB p.133, 420).
We may also begin to recognize how our grandiosity may be working as an attempt to overcompensate for a deep seeded unconscious sense of unworthiness which we are desperately trying to avoid feeling. A feeling perhaps of being unloved, unwanted and not belonging as a consequence of an early childhood experience that we are ‘not good enough’. Bill W. struggled with this challenge of hiding his shame with his grandiosity which can be explored here.
This article does a good job of helping us see the potential relationship between the part of ourselves that feels ‘not good enough’ and the grandiose part of us that seeks to protect us from this experience by trying to be what the author calls ‘feeling one up’’. For me, this expresses itself especially in my desire to impose my ‘rightness’ onto others. To learn more about how to surrender our grandiosity, check out this post.
If you find this article helpful, you may also find the sections of the website about ‘Toxic Shame’ and ‘Healing Our Divided Jekyll/Hyde Self’ helpful especially if you’ve struggled with relapse.
The article is also quite useful in addressing the 4th step challenge that the Twelve & Twelve expresses on page 53 of learning to be in a ‘true partnership’ with others. I also think this article fits nicely as you work through the Emotional Sobriety Worksheet – Bruce M.
If you’ve ever felt the “I’m better than you” vibe from someone, then you know what it feels like to be on the other end of grandiosity. Irritating? Feeling small? Angry? What about when someone is expressing how unworthy they feel, saying things like, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” “I’m so flawed,” “I hate myself.” Maybe we feel compassion for awhile. Then perhaps we feel overwhelmed or like we want to get away. Most of us have not only experienced another’s grandiosity, we’ve been grandiose too. We’ve not only experienced another’s unworthiness, we’ve felt unworthy ourselves. The unfortunate outcome of all of this is that grandiosity and unworthiness separates us from others and leaves us feeling alone.
Have you heard of grandiosity? Probably. Here are some synonyms: pompous, pretentious, superior, feeling above or better than others.
You’re probably also well aware of “unworthiness.” Simply put, it means having little value or merit. As an attitude it means feeling ashamed and less than someone else or others.
Years ago, I had the good fortune to learn from an outstanding psychotherapist, Terry Real of Boston, that all of us have experienced both grandiosity and unworthiness. Yet most of us have developed a pattern that leans toward one or the other end of the continuum. I like the way that Terry Real uses simplified terms for grandiosity, “feeling one-up,” and for unworthiness, “feeling one-down.”
The most basic fault of being one-up or one-down is that they don’t work in our favor. Why? Because love, respect, and connection come only when two people feel equal to each other. Being self-righteous or needing to be right or better doesn’t resolve things. Not speaking up, giving in, or withdrawing doesn’t either.
One or more of the following qualities often accompany being one-up – anger, indifference, passive-aggression, critical and needing to be in control. One or more of these qualities often accompany being one-down – desperation, manipulation, begging, resignation, depression, and low self-esteem.
It’s important to stay clear of judging those who go one-up or one-down because these strategies are usually learned in childhood in order to get our needs met.
- Some children witnessed a parent being either one-up or one-down and unconsciously copied their behaviors.
- Some children were made to feel they could do no wrong and were unrealistically praised for winning and being better than others. In this, grandiosity is born.
- Some children were shamed, criticized, punished and put-down for mistakes or almost everything. In this, unworthiness is born.
- Some people who feel unworthy hide it by acting one-up.
One-up and one-down are two sides of the same coin. One-up focuses the beam of contempt on others. One-down focuses the beam of contempt on yourself.
Judgmental thinking has dominated society for thousands of years and has led to some people having power over others. If, instead, we want love and fairness, we can discover ways to get out of right/wrong thinking and entrenched inequality patterns. We can shift to new ways of thinking, find emotional release, and engage in grief work if needed. We may, after all, experience sadness when we realize how much our behavior has created separation and division.
I’ll let Terry Real have the last word here: “Let your desire to live a psychologically healthy, respectful and intimate life bring you down from grandiosity and bring you up from shame and unworthiness.” This is how individuals become more open, understanding, fair, and loving!